Why am I doing this to myself now?

[HadEnoughofThisNow]

I'm so fed up as I've started bingeing and vomiting again after about 6 years of relative peace from it all.

Back history - bulimic from 11 yrs old, occasionally self-harming, seriously controlling food (with Mum's help and approval) and vomiting most days from 13, vomiting and not eating from 16 - got down to 5 stone, had a few terms off college and started bingeing/vomiting again instead of not eating, so got my weight back up and I looked 'fixed'. Went to uni (got a bit happier) and after 1st year of massive binge/purges, vomiting became occasional - probably every week, rather than every day.

Roll forward about 7 years. I was exhausted all the time - still using vomitting as a release when stressed - I saw Dr for blood tests and Dr diagnosed depression - which I didn't see at the time, but I probably was. Had about 15 sessions of CBT on NHS, then maybe 15-20 more privately, but by the end I wasn't getting much out of it (v helpful overall tho - I 'forgave' myself for a lot of family problems which I'd been blaming myself for for years). I was then in the midst of happily planning my wedding and v proud of myself for being 'cured' as desperately do not want to pass on the family food hang ups to any children I was hoping to have.

So, over the years I've had the odd slip up, but very much one-offs. DH and I agreed I'd tell him if I was sick, so I wouldn't be doing it in secret.

But over the past couple of weeks I've binged/vomited 4 times and am not being healthy the rest of the time. My hearts pounding, my throats sore and I'm fed up with being this stupid, fat and ugly person.

I have the best DS in the world. He truely is gorgeous and fantastic and I feel v lucky to have him. But we always planned to have 2 children. We'd agreed to have 2 years between them so I'd be 35 for 2nd pregnancy. But DS was a bad sleeper (didn't sleep through til 20 mths), I do 90-95% of the childcare and housework and I was exhausted and wasn't ready to try to get pregnant til DS was 2.5 and then found I couldn't get pregnant (got preg 1st month we tried with DS). I want to have another baby, but if we don't it'll be my fault for not trying earlier, when I was younger. I know DH is angry and frustrated with me for not sticking to our agreement.

We've been trying for a year now and I've been referred for fertiility treatment (tests ok, but I have polycystic ovaries). My 1st app is tmrw and I'm beyond stressed. I'm worried they won't do anything, or that they will and it'll be gruesome. Also I'm self-employed and it'll be very hard to go to numerous appointments with the children I care for in tow.

I hate my body for letting me down like this. Am I trying to punish myself like this? Or just trying to fill the void left by not being pregnant? DH being so angry with me doesn't help either. I'm sure I'm not the easiest person to be with, but he has a short fuse with me and will be so coldly angry that I could kill myself. Then he'll be friendly again and I'm so pathetically grateful that I have to put aside whatever grievance I have with him. He also has a lot of work stress, so is angry at the moment that I'm needing help now, rather than supporting him.

I also made some lovely friends when DS was a baby, but as time passes they're drifting away. I was so happy to have friends, but I feel like I bring nothing to the friendships and its not surprising they're drifting off - although much of it is down to them ending Mat Leaves, moving away etc. I guess I'm not getting support from them or from DH right now. The friends also meant I was happy being self-employed, as I saw one of them most days, but this isn't happening so much now. Oh and the house is getting messy - which is great for my clients I'm sure!

We're about to have work done to the house too - there are some problems that need fixing, but its being done at my instigation - and I'm worried it'll go wrong and DH will be pissed off with me about that too - as he has to go to his stressful work and understandably doesn't want to come home to chaos.

I've just confessed to DH I've been sick and he's f'd off with me. So I'm posting here. Sorry for the length of it all - its helped getting it off my chest I guess. No replies really expected. What is there to say really. :(

Oh honey didn't want your post to go unanswered before tomorrow.
Not sure I can help much, but I do have PCOS. Once is was diagnosed and treated I fell pregnant with DS. Don't dispair. PCOS is very treatable for many woman, and many of us also experience MH issues.

www.verity-pcos.org.uk

You have been so strong, please don't despair >

Hiya, hope your appointment was productive. If you want to share am here

Your DH sounds unpleasant, I'm sorry to say. He needs to be a lot more supportive and understanding than he sounds from your post. Can you talk to him and help him understand how you feel?

WithanAnotE - thanks so much for your posts. I got the 1st one on Sunday night, but was too tired to reply. It helped a lot though. :)

The appointment yesterday was ok thanks. I had another scan and the doctor said she wasn't sure it was PCO, then she said 'oh maybe on 1 ovary'. So who knows. She's referred me for a Hycosy (spelling?) scan and asked DH to do another sperm count test, as apparently he's borderline. I'm just relieved the appointment is out of the way!

jasminerice - you made me . Yeah he can be and I was aware posting I'd probably made him sound horrible. He can also be lovely and we usually tick along ok.

Its hard. We've been together forever (20 odd years), so I guess frustrations build up. Also, our lives have changed so much. Pre-DS neither of us did much round the house, then post-DS, we had to do more, but agreed I'd do it as I was home on Mat leave... then I started working again, but part-time, so could still fit things in. Then I started doing full-time - but he forgot that we agreed I'd do more while I wasn't working and now claims he never did more. I also work from home, so can usually get stuff done round working. If I ask for practical help/ support - he'll ask what I want him to do, but then find reasons why he can't do each thing or say he does it anyway (e.g. if I ask him to empty the dishwasher, which he does do, but maybe he'll do it once a month, whereas it needs doing daily). Or he'll say he'll do it in his own time - then either forgets (my fault for not reminding him - but if I remind him I'm nagging) or I'm fed up of seeing the job undone or need it doing for some reason, so I do it.

If I ask for mental support he says he's fed up of always having to support me and there needs to be space for him to have support too.

I'm making it all sound worse aren't I? Sorry.

Oh well, I'm trying to resolve to look after myself more - eat more healthily, get to bed earlier (as I'm always shattered, which never helps), do a bit more exercise and stop the vomiting!