I just want people to leave me alone

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I have a personality whereby I don't like, or have any interest in, social situations/interactions. I can cope with small scale interaction with a few close friends, but I don't do social situations. I score quite highly on the aspergers test, so perhaps I have something like that, I don't know. I've never sought help for it because it's not a problem for me usually.

However, one of the mums at my son's school has decided that I am to be her friend and that my son is to be her son's friend My son doesn't want to be this boy's friend because this boy shouts at him and is not very pleasant. I've asked him if he wants to go play with him, but he always says no. My son has other friends and does have social interaction in various ways.

I try to be polite, but this lady is contacting me and trying to tie me down for dates and times to play. I have to stay at her house and can't just drop ds off.

I'm getting more and more anxious and desperately trying to avoid her, but it's difficult as they're in the same class. I'm being treated for depression and just don't need this. I don't want to be rude because we have to see each other for the next x number of years during primary. What am I meant to say/do? I don't want to cause any bad feeling, I just want to be left alone. Social interaction is incredibly stressful for me and I can only really cope with coming into contact with people at work because I know I can walk away at the end of my shift and there's no pressure. I only do controlled environments. I come across as normal, happy and chatty, but it's mostly an act.

I do encourage both children to have people over and they go to others houses, but I don't have to socialise with the parents and that's fine. I make their friends welcome and provide food and am cheerful and welcoming. I just do housework or potter in the garden and keep out of the way whilst they play.

Does anyone else have this problem and how do you cope? I'm on the verge of just not having anything more to do with school and dh will just have to do the drop offs and collections (he's retired), but that's ridiculous really.

Maybe opted out of drop offs and collections for a while might be best, if your husband can do it.

This woman sounds like someone who needs a project and at the moment, that project is you. If you aren't there (pretend your shifts have changed) she'll move on to someone else and you can safely go back in a while.

I'm not keen on social interaction that I can't control. At the moment, I sit all alone at work (just the only space left) and I love it. I like Mumsnet for sim,ar reasons, when I want company, it's there. When I don't, I switch it off

You need to come up with a damn good list of reasons why you're busy. Write it down, revise if necessary. Smile a lot, look vaguely apologetic, recite reason #19 why you're busy (or maybe just say you have "plans" if you're crap at lying - maybe non-specific is best) and she will get bored of it soon enough and find another project. Don't let her stress you - she will back off. If she's this over the top it sounds like she has her own set of issues to deal with. I agree that not being in the playground for a week or whatever will help speed up the process.

thanks for your reply

I have to collect ds from school tomorrow because dh needs to take his mum to the doctors. I'm already worrying about it and keep wondering where I can hide in the playground to avoid her I hate this. I just want her to leave me alone. I don't do this kind of stuff.

The school is very provincial and most of the parents went to school together and they all know each other. Her and me are 'outsiders' and perhaps this is why she's latched on to me.

I've been doing some research and my personality is closest to the schizotypal personality type. It honestly doesn't bother me being none social, I only get stressed when people inflict themselves upon me.

I wouldn't drop out of the school things because I think that would reinforce the fear and give the woman more power over you than she really has.
Could you be less polite to her? I mean, not as in rude, but a bit cool. She should get the hint but if she doesn't, tell her you've just got too much on at the moment to be arranging anything new.
Be aware of your body language and just pretend to yourself that you're fine with what you're saying. Say it in a smily, breezy way and keep your back straight.
When thoughts of her come to you during the day, say firmly to yourself 'I'm not giving that the energy right now'.
It doesn't really matter if she gets a bit miffed - in fact, you'd be doing her a favour because she'll see that you can't just go around imposing yourself on people.

Agree with violetsrblue - really good post. It did strike me that this woman is intent on your son and her son being friends, because her son doesn't have any friends. I've seen that happen with a child at my gr/dgtrs school - she just didn't like this girl and said no-one else did and whilst I felt sorry for the girl, I didn't think it fair to my gr/dghtr. Also my gr/dghtr said this girl pushed children out of the way if my gr/dghtr played with anyone else. My gdr/dghtr was quite a shy girl but had a nice group of friends, but she didn't seem able to stick up for herself against this other girl.

I used to pick her up every day then so I had to deal with it. Thing is the girl's mom was really nice but was forever asking my gr/dghtr over to play and she didn't want to go. The mother even got her daughter starting at the same dance class as my gr/dghtr.

I talked things over with my son and dil and they didn't mind how I handled it. They are both primary school teachers and had seen this situation arise several times. My dil took the line that A (grdghtr) needed to learn the skills to deal with difficult situations, as this would stand her in god stead in later life. I completely agree (my dil is a very level headed person) but I'm afraid I was really fed up of my precious grd/tr having to pretend to like this girl. She even said to me once at aged 8 "I have to fake being her best friend"

I was chatting to the mother one day and I mentioned that N her child was very possessive of A (my gr/dghtr) and she laughed and said "well a bit" hmm, then she immediately started trying to make arrangements, so I said "Look xxx I don't want to sound rude, but A really doesn't want to play with N at your place and we don't think it's right to force her" and the mother said "oh well she's too shy to go anywhere isn't she - is she going to go through life like that" but I just said "I wouldn't have thought so" It was true that A would not go to birthday parties at that stage. She is now 12 and still on the quiet side but has a lovely group of friends at her school now and is always off on sleepovers.

Mind the problem was solved as the family moved to another partof the country ............YAY!!

A said to me once "I won't let anyone else treat me like that" so her mom was right in that sense.

Thank you both for your replies

I'm afraid that I'm taking the cowards way out I rushed to school from work yesterday and collected my son early. I said I was taking him to the dentist (lie). I have to go to confession again now because I'm due to have my first Catholic communion on Saturday and the PP will think I'm nuts because I only went for confession last Saturday This is causing me a lot of stress as my faith means a lot to me.

I am feeling angry with this woman as well, which is bad. dh is going to do the drop off, collections and partys for a while so she might get the message (hopefully). She does come across as being a bit desperate and her son isn't popular and does stuff to the other kids, so I don't think he receives invites.

My personality clashes with my beliefs which causes me stress too.

Will have to find a way of muddling through.

How about being honest with her ? She is not a mind reader and so as you say you put on an act of being friendly and chatty so she is totally oblivious.
I understand how you feel I find social situations exhausting sometimes and am happiest with close family and friends.

I would not feel comfortable being honest with her. The best I could manage is that I'm too busy, which isn't true either because we have other children who come to the house to play. What should I say to her without it sounding very rude? Your son is naughty (he was awful at our house) and you don't keep him in control, I find you dull and don't want to spare the time out of my day to sit in your house talking about rubbish? Your son hurts my son? I don't want to give up my time? I don't want to socialise with you because I'm nutty and have a dodgy personality? What would I say to her?

Well I see your point but I just tell people I am not very sociable and find things hard such as meals out ect. Obviously not too honest as to offend

NO HH you don't have to say any of those things. You really need to pluck up the courage and say something like "sorry x but x isn't one of x's friends and so it's a bit difficult - no offence of course" (practice it) and then wonder off (not as in walking away from her) r make a comment about the weather and wonder off. The more you make excuses the worse it will get and the more stressed you will get. Tell the truth which will mean you don't have to go dashing off to confesion. Also it isn't fair to your son to feel that he has to go and play with this boy when he doesn't want to.

There was a woman at work who was always trying to seel tickets to people for this amatuer dramatic thing she was in and I used to listen to people making excuses and looking embarrassed, but that didn't stop her asking them again. I decided to be truthful and said "oh sorry Eileen I'm not really interested thanks" - and guess what she didn't dissolve or shout at me she said "oh ok xxxxx" in a nice way and never asked me again.

Kerstina has good advice too..........

You beat me to it NanaNina - was just going to suggest the same. Just say that you get the impression that the children don't get on that well, no offence.

Hi madmouse - takes a wise woman to know another one!!