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Mental health

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Original poster

I would really like somebody (in RL) to say "hey... are you ok?"

21 replies

fuzzpig · 07/03/2012 18:18

Grrr. Struggling a lot right now (have posted elsewhere on that so won't bore anyone with it here!) but in RL nobody knows about it.

Problem is when I feel bad I withdraw from everyone and talk even less than usual. I am not somebody who can just say "I feel bad" or "I've had a shit week" so I just wander round in the background looking aloof and probably rude.

If I do get caught off guard with a cheery "hey, how are you" I panic and say I'm fine. Good, even. When I am totally not fine. The one time I broke down at work a lovely colleague hugged me which was exactly what I needed and craved but I couldn't handle it so I (falsely) pulled myself together and shrugged her off.

It is ridiculous and annoying. Please tell me I'm not the only one to clam up like this? And more to the point what can I do about it?

OP posts:

Original poster

fuzzpig · 07/03/2012 19:35

Anyone?

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Upwardandonward · 07/03/2012 19:45

You're not the only one - I tell everyone I'm fine/ok, just instinctive reaction

Original poster

fuzzpig · 07/03/2012 20:08

Yep and I instantly think "why did I do that" after! Because I can't then go back and say "oh actually I'm not"

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Lozislovely · 07/03/2012 20:18

You aren't the only one. I find myself not wanting to 'burden' people with my problems so end up keeping them in.

People say I'm a laugh and confident but on the inside I'm a nervous wreck! I have suffered from anxiety for years and take medication, which helps somewhat, but the feelings inside don't go away.

I've been like it for years and always find myself giving advice and don't take any notice of it myself.

The thought of opening up to people scares me in a way as I don't like letting my vulnerable side show. Not to mention the fact that you always get the people who say 'what have you got to be depressed about'!!!

Drives me mad!

Original poster

fuzzpig · 07/03/2012 20:28

God do people actually say that in RL? That's far worse than "cheer up"

I haven't really worked before (just Saturday job type things) but I am now in a lovely job, and for ages I was telling myself I needed to be cheerful because I was terrified nobody would like me and I wouldn't get a permanent contract. I actually do now have said contract (FT too) so I want to relax and be myself more.

I have lots of scars on my arms from self harm years ago, I'm proud of myself that I've never hidden them (even at my original interview!) but I guess I am also worried that if I show that I'm not ok, people might think I will do it again, or that I'm crazy, or something.

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dottyspotty2 · 07/03/2012 20:39

People do ask me I always lie its easier people who really know me push me about it like are you sure, once after coming out of a really heavy counselling session bumped into someone I knew and was told cheer up it might never happen. If only. TBH I rarely go out now anyway.

Agincourt · 07/03/2012 20:42

you sound like you are doing fine :)

give yourself a bit of slack. You have taken on something you have never done before and everyone is nervous doing that. If you are struggling do tell people also, bbut I just wanted to say well done for coming so far :)

Original poster

fuzzpig · 07/03/2012 21:07

Ah thanks agincourt, I am proud of myself :)

It has been a really rough 18 months but the new job has kept me sane especially now I am secure in employment :)

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Agincourt · 07/03/2012 22:08

good for you :)

Original poster

fuzzpig · 07/03/2012 22:17

Do you think I should say something?

At the moment sometimes I am fine and then I suddenly get a wave of being bad again, it changes by the minute. It doesn't affect how I manage in the job usually. I would just like to be myself there... I can't be it anywhere else! (except on MN)

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ManicPanic · 07/03/2012 22:37

This is where I found counselling useful. I had about 3 months with a particular counsellor, where basically I'd just sit and moan for an hour. Now, I would be moaning about Big Stuff, you know, like my ishoos and all, but it was great to get used to saying 'this week has been shit because...' and that be okay. In the end I quite enjoyed it! Although I found it hard at first. I miss that now. But I am more likely to tell dh that today I am feeling this way or that, and he has got used to giving me the correct response, which is:

hug manicpanic
offer manicpanic more tea or other beverage
suggest the possibility of a biscuit.

Original poster

fuzzpig · 07/03/2012 22:42

I'm not so good at talking to DH right now. He's got his own pain (physical) to deal with.

Do you ever tell other people if you feel like that, manicpanic?

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dottyspotty2 · 07/03/2012 22:46

I dont tell DH either but will ask for a hug off him, find I don't want to burden him.

Original poster

fuzzpig · 07/03/2012 22:55

I really hope tomorrow I can be more honest. Even a tiny bit. I may make it my mission for the day.

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dottyspotty2 · 08/03/2012 15:47

I was thinking of you today when a friend who works in Asda asked for the umpteenth time and I was totally honest with her we've known each other for 25 years she said she could tell just by looking at me over the last few months that I wasn't ok. I know what I told her won't go any further.Didn't make me feel any better but at least that's one person who'll stop asking me.

ManicPanic · 08/03/2012 15:48

Hmm... Maybe I would, if I was close enough to someone. I must admit I am a bit of a Billy-no-mates (my choice, I push people away constantly!)

I am perhaps not the best example of someone who is open about their feelings.

I try not to see it as burdening dh though, I did warn him before we got married, he knew that extra love for me was in his job description!

Original poster

fuzzpig · 08/03/2012 16:51

Dotty do you want them to stop asking you, really? I feel the opposite (hence the thread) well done for saying, though.

I am proud of myself, too. Today I did the "I'm ok" then silently telling myself off thing, a couple of times, but one colleague (slightly above me) asked again and I hesitated, and after that it was quite easy. She took me into a room (in her lunch break bless her!) and I told her. It was the first time I've discussed that at work at all even though it is clear from my old self harm scars that I've had issues in the past.

She has to tell my line manager and probably the manager too, which is fine, I'm glad she will do the telling rather than me going over it again. I guess afterwards they will want to talk to me about it. That part I am scared about; I feel a bit vulnerable and like I just want to turn back time and unsay it all IYSWIM. These problems have virtually no impact on my ability to do the actual job, but there is a chance I may be diagnosed with something that changes everything (it is just a label but quite a big one) so they do need to know, practically speaking too because of appointments etc. I'm glad I said it today as I am off for a week now.

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madmouse · 08/03/2012 17:11

I've learned the trick for me is selective mask dropping - keep it on for most people, drop it for a select few friends. It's actually really useful to be 'ok' in front of most people as they don't really want you to say that you're not ok and they would not necessarily give a very helpful response. But it's important to be myself with a handful of people.

dottyspotty2 · 08/03/2012 17:13

Yes because at the end of the day its something I can't tell most people in RL as 1, most people here gossip and 2, people would judge me not the person who caused me to be like this. I only have one very close friend and she knows the entire story this friend I only told the outline she knows my whole family.

Original poster

fuzzpig · 08/03/2012 19:28

I see what you mean about the mask thing. I would very much like to not wear it at work, though. In fact in a way I'd like to not wear the damn thing at all! In the rational part of my brain I know the people concerned will not judge me, and I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, but in the spur of the moment I panic and shut down.

I feel quite needy - sometimes I just want to cry and say "I need a hug!" but even if I did get one I know I'd tense up. I'd love to be closer to people. It's like the two halves of my brain are fighting about it.

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Original poster

fuzzpig · 11/03/2012 22:52

FFS after a good weekend I have crashed big style

Going into work tomorrow (not actually working but I need to get studying done and I won't if I'm at home) and I am worrying because I don't know if my line manager/general manager will be there or not. Or even the colleague I spoke to on Thursday.

I know LM won't be there when I am working later in the week. So it might be a whole other week before I can speak to her. May not sound like long but the uncertainty is winding me up, I can't cope with not knowing. I don't feel like I can cope with anything right now :(

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