why me

[mom4t]

I am struggling so much.
I was very badly abused by a family member, I then went and got pregnant at 18 and my partner killed my child.
I find it hard to not see these things as my fault.

So many years on and struggling with what these issues have done to me. My baby was a tiny 6 week old i never saw him walk talk hold my hand. i don't have a family as the abuser went back to my mum.
i was dumped into care.
Ifeel so selfish as i have 3 children i don't want, i so much want to kill myself to ease my pain.
A few months ago i started councilling and now yesterday the counciler wants me to get rid of the terrible things i was told during been abused and see myself as a lovely person.

This scares me, as i am so use to the hurt and anger how do i believe these lies??
i'm so scared and don't want to do it.
what diffrence will it make i have felt so lonely and don't want good feelings or to be loved as whaen i loved before i woke up to my child dead.
Sorry

I am so sorry, I don't really know what to say, it sounds like you've had an awful time. It's very good that you're seeking help though. Did you ever get bereavement councilling?
If someone killed your baby why are they not in prison?!

And just for the record... none of this is your fault. Stay strong. X

Hi,
thank you.
The boyfriend did go to prison but sadly is out now.
i have married someone else who is the dad to my three children,

I didn't have any counciling for my babies death but this counciler will do it i hope!!

i am so so fed up with the awful guilt and pain,the unanswered questions what if this counciling doesn't work?
my pain would end if i took my life.
the kids would be fine their dad would take care of them.

Your kids would certainly not be fine if you took your life. They would be devastated and so would your husband. You definitely need to keep up the counselling. Have you tried medication to help you a little bit too?

No i don't like medication. It's hard but i am unhappy all the time the kids would be better off with out me.
I try to be happy for them but the flashbacks and hurt take over.

The pain will never go until i have my baby (which can't happen) and i have the love i should have from my mum which she doesn't want to give me.

it's so so hard and sad.