Crashed so bad

[dottyspotty2]

Been up and down for weeks but last night at tea-time I just flipped over something stupid that DH said, went and cried buckets in bedroom. Then I took off really considered never coming back or worse not been this bad since early November.

I often go for a drive as I feel safe in the car normally daytime though but last night I stupidly sent DH messages saying they'd be better if I wasn't there meaning I wanted them to move on without me and I'd leave permanently. He ended up phoning my sister worried to contact me I had texted her early in the evening to see if we could talk but phone was on silent she would of calmed me she always does just wish I had someone to go to.

Ended up back home just after 11 couldn't talk to him but did this morning feel like I'm going crazy.

You're not going crazy just having a bad day and really struggling. Think I told you before I don't even have clear memories of some of the weeks as things were so bad.

TBH I'm no doctor but I think it's time you get a PTSD diagnosis and appropriate referral for further support eg specialist counselling.

Don't think I'll ever get that dx somehow you see apart from my counsellor no-one sees me at my worst as I don't allow it not even DH, I can't let anyone see me at my worst even my counsellor has noticed at the worst sessions that 'I pull myself together' before I leave don't go out much now rather hide away but when I'm out with others I'm okish just not alone miscalculated my sessions as well I've had one more than I thought so 9 get 10-12. I am looking into other services but means starting from scratch with a new person tbh some sessions I'm going over the same thing as before I have a black hole in parts of my life makes me really miserable.

Got Gp for meds review and check up monday but if I tell her stuff like this she'll think i'm crazy won't she? I've restarted my journal looking back through it I see a huge improvement I stopped writing in it because it was so dark/negative but counsellor said to start writing again. I'd forgotten about a lot of things I'd written it was DC who advised me to start it originally.