Healtb anxiety - PND - soooo fed up

[speeder1]

Hi - just wondered if anyone else feels like I do. I'm so fed up of being me right now (or rather, for having my useless overactive brain) Would love to talk to someone who also feels like me as I feel very alone with it.

I have always been anxious and this began to manifest itself as health anxiety in my early twenties. But lately, since having my two gorgeous daughters it's become so so much worse.

It's almost like I can't believe how lucky I am right now and I'm waiting for it all to go wrong.

I think I'm the worst candidate for health anxiety ever. Firstly there is a family history of breast cancer (which we have been told places us in a moderate risk category so naturally I freak out about it), secondly it was a nightmare for us to conceive our kids due to DH's fertility problem which went undiagnosed by useless GP until I worked out what was wrong and we sought help, and then DD1 had a heart complaint (thankfully fine now) which was missed by numerous health professionals and only found following persistence by me for testing. I think I feel like I just don't trust the medical profession unless I double check everything they say.

So since having my kids I'm a mess. Every symptom is catastrophised by me. I can spend hours and hours on the internet googling something that has been picked up in a blood test - I catastrophise everything. Right now because of trace amounts of glucose in my urine I have had to undergo a whole battery of blood tests and I literally can't sleep for worry that I'm going to leave my kids!

It's affecting my marriage and I worry it's going to affect my kids too. everyone tells me how "clever" I was to pick up on my daughter's issues and persevere and it's like I have to constantly stay vigilant or I'll miss something else.

Sometimes I think that if the worst happened and I did die young maybe my kids would be better off as my DH could find a more stable mother for them! Not that I think I'm a bad mum - but I worry my neurosis is going to affect them.

So I went back to my GP this morning - they must dread seeing me - I would! and I said my anxiety levels were through the roof about these bloods tests - and I have a 12 week baby with me - I so wanted him to ask me if I needed help - as I really think I do.

Anyone tried anything for health anxiety with any success? That's if anyone has got through this ramble without switching off!

Sorry you are having such a hard time. Its no wonder you are anxious with whats happened.

You mention PND, is this much worse since giving birth? Do you have other symptoms?

I think if I were in this position I would ask for a referral to a counselor for CBT. In fact I am waiting for this myself, not for anxiety but for other PND symptoms.

Ask for citalopram ver effective

thanks jnice - it sounds daft but your nice response made me cry.....

I have episodes of being very bad, usually triggered by having to have tests for something health related. But in between I am often worried by my health and, since having DD1, am constantly worried about theirs and my health...

On that Edinburgh scale thing I don't have PND but the fact I even worry so much about leaving my kids makes me wonder whether it's a type of PND. I seem quite "together" with it and so I wonder if that's why the GP brushed me off. Inside I feel like I'm literally falling apart. I have had a bout of bad luck with the stuff I mentioned (and others things too, like lots of post birth issues) but I feel like I massively overreact and analyse everything. I HATE that about myself.

Sorry you have PND - is CBT quite good for it? Do you mind if I ask about our symptoms? Have you got a young baby too?

thanks so much for your response x

citalopram? does it work without side effects? I've never taken any medication and am quite scared about it but it would be amazing to feel differently. Plus I'm breast feeding... thanks x

thanks drumlin - you have my sympathy for your anxiety. Does your post natal anxiety relate to health too?

I have looked at that book/cd and will order it tomorrow. I have done relaxation stuff in the past and it really helped.

I used to do a lot of exercise and that also helped me but now I have two kids, one very new, I can't do that anymore and I don't think that helps me.

I think I worry re my GP that it will go on my record and affect future job applications etc.. Is that daft? And, let's face it, it's probably on my record anyway. By way of amusement as much as anything else, in the last 3 years since DD1 was born I've worried about the following...

motor neurone disease (I know someone with this, huge trigger)
ovarian/breast cancer (but it runs in the family)
leukaemia in DD1
CJD (I've always worried about this one, the rarer the better)
lung cancer
pancreatic cancer (my colleague recently died of this, I know way too much about it)
weird neurological problems in DD1 (she's absolutely fine, fingers crossed)

Am I the unluckiest health anxiety sufferer ever? Sometimes I think that if these is a god, then s/he has a right chuckle at what symptoms are thrown at me....

thanks ladies

Hi speeder my DS is 4 months and I have had PND diagnosed since January. I have all the symptoms on the Edinburgh scale except self harm (thank goodness). I don't want to medicate. I was on paroxetine about 15 years ago, it worked but I found it scary coming off.

I think cbt would be useful because it challenges those negative thoughts and teaches coping strategies. For example, my inner voice tells me I'm a terrible mum who doesn't deserve my kids. This isn't helpful! So I need to break that cycle and stop those thoughts. I imagine it would work well for anxiety too.

I know what you mean - when someone says something remotely kind to me it sets me off blubbing too

Hope you find some support through a nice hcp. x

Hi Speeder, I'm so sorry you're feeling so lousy. You are not alone. I suffer with post natal anxiety as well and most of it is health related. I catastrophise everything too. And I understand that while on the outside you might LOOK 'together', it's what's inside that counts, and sometimes that can be a very dark place! I've been having treatment for about 10months now. Before I asked for help, everything was just, well, difficult! I constantly thought the worst and would stress so much about everything... ESPECIALLY ILLNESS! My dd was diagnosed with downs syndrome and cataracts when she was born and i slowly but surely went to pot. It took me 18months to get help, but now I'm taking sertraline for the PND (although like you, I never actually felt that depressed, more just that the anxiety was getting me down) and beta blockers for the anxiety. I'm also having CBT for the illness phobia. All of them are working quite nicely, although if I'm honest the CBT has been slightly disappointing (maybe it's my therapist - I don't know), but the medication has helped a lot. I don't want to be on it forever because I do feel like a zombie at times, but generally I'm very happy with the way things have changed for me since seeking help.

You should do the same, be honest with your GP, you owe it to yourself. And while yes, some of your thoughts are irrational, the fact that you worry so much about your kids shows how much you love them. You're a great mum, I'm sure, don't ever question that they would be better off without you... They love you just as much as you love them. Time to start loving yourself too Hun. Xx

thanks again everyone - your messages really cheered me up and it's nice to know I'm not alone in how I feel (although obviously, I'm sorry that there are other souls who suffer like I do!). My husband said to me the other day (and he's a very grounded man) that he would hate to be in my head for even 5 minutes because he says I torture myself. Whenever my family tell me they've had enough of me going on, I laugh and say they don't have to live with it 24 hours a day!

Drumlin - I've now got that book you recommended and am starting tonight. I've heard about mindfulness before and it makes sense to me so I'm optimistic. I think it's different from CBT? I'm not sure - I did try CBT a few years ago but it annoyed me and I didn't like it.... But the book has made a lot of sense to me already and so thanks so much.

Jnice - thanks again - I really hope we both recover fast! I'm sorry you have to cope with PND with such a young baby. These inner voices are nasty little blighters - I get them too x

Taysh - thanks - your situation sounds similar to mine (my first daughter had health problems too - I know how stressful it is - it massively ramped up my health anxiety too). I hope she is doing well now? I wonder whether folk either become depressed OR anxious after such a stressful event but perhaps the treatment is similar? I think you are right about loving our kids so much - I think that makes my mind go into overdrive...

Anyway, I'm back to the GP on Thursday and am going to ask for a referral. I'm not sure about taking any medication - but I will ask about that too.

thanks so much - it's nice to know I'm not alone. please let me know how you get on too x

Yes I think maybe you're right speeder, for me I'm sure I wasn't depressed, I was never sad, apart from occasionally over the obvious. I was just so stressed. Everything was so difficult. So I'd stress even more, and then DD would get ill (again), so I'd stress even more, so much so that I'd start to make myself ill... Which would stress me even more!! Is this a familiar pattern?? It got to the point though where it got so bad that it was affecting my performance as a mother (which stressed me even more...!) and I love her so much I couldn't let that happen. That's when I asked for help.

You're doing the right thing. Good luck at your appointment tomorrow, nothing's definite, just hear what the GP has to say and take time to consider your options. Good luck!