DH depression/possibly some paranoia - please help (sorry maybe a bit long?)

[myeyesaresore]

Please help me if you can. I am currently at work, I work full time, DH is sahd we have 2 children nearly 4 yo and 14mo.

Things have been strained for a while as when 14mo was born I was due back at work after 6 wks and she had (undiagnoed) silent reflux. DH has never really had much patience and so I had to take longer off/go back part time as 14mo cried practically not stop but boss gave me loads of stick and I was harassed badly, nearly lost my job, had a short spell on AD's myself. All this time my DH was really unsupportive and quite selfish, often going out in evening. Since returning to work I have gone home at lunch time to feed baby, always done all the evening meal for me and lo's and taken them to any activities (swim lessons etc).

I think a lot of the selfishness was because he smoked weed every evening and it meant as soon as I got home he was desparate to go off and smoke and I had to do everything like feed, entertain and bath and gets kids ready for bed. I was resentful of this whilst he did nothing and I ran round like an idiot after being at work all day and I suppose we have drifted apart a bit.

2 weeks ago he told me he wanted to give up the smoking, which I was overjoyed at, as I think the vast majority of our problems come from this. He said he would gradually cut down which I thought was a good idea as I think a rapid withdrawal would be difficult for him to go through (and probably me as a result :).

Anyway he hasn't cut down much but I have noticed he is sliding into a real depression (I don't think this is because of reducing smoking, I just think the signs of what were already going on are becoming increasily evident).

He asked if I was with him for him or for the kids sake and I have reassured him but no matter how much I do this and he can see it at the time as soon as I go off to work/am seeing to the kids whatever he seems to slip back into the depression. When I look at him I can see he is struggling to put on a brave face but looks like he could dissolve into tears at any moment. I really think some AD's would help him but he won't go to the Dr's at the moment. Meanwhile he relies on me for everything and as soon as I am out of sight seems to lose the confidence that I am with him for him, no matter how patient I am or how much I try and reassure him. Is there anything else I can do? Obviously I have a lot on as sole income, making sure kids get fed and to do things at weekend and have unsupportive employer and know I cannot do this for much longer. He seems a bit paranoid, like concerned I would prefer to be with a work colleague or something? I never go out, all my spare time is for the family. I have offered to leave my job, sell the house and look at renting and everything - I don't see what else I can do?

It was a financial decision for DH to look after children rather than me, his choice as otherwise we were going to pay my mum. All has been ok with him doing this, apart from fact he would never, right from the start take them to any baby/toddler groups or swimming or anything despite saying he would do this when we talked it through.

he has to go to GP.

tell he goes to gp to get help or he leaves for a while . tell him clearly .

you need maybe to have your mum on standby for childcare if he doesnt get help - sorry but if he cant manage to feed your child at lunch time then he is not providing adequate childcare. either you trust him t ake care of your children or you dont. if you cant trust him bcause he is depressed//needs help -then find other childcare.

my exP resigned work to be SAHD and it was disaster he also slid into major depression - taking over stuff for him just put off the final descent into a major MH breakdown which had hge consequences.

stop going home at lunchtime to feed a one year old - seriously - if he cannot do this then sorry but you need alternative childcare. it is totally ridiculous that a grown adult man canot be trusted to feed his one year old. if the problem is depression he needs help and you need other childcare.

if he is depresed AND paranoid he needs serious help in case he acts on his paranoia.

get him to GP - march him there for depression questionnaire and help and advice.

if he refuses to get help and advice from GP on depression and cutting the weed then you have to ask him to leave for now and take his problems elsewhere and you have to get your mum onboard with childcare.

you cannot continue like this. it will end badly.

he has a choice to make -get help or leave. presumably with your mum doing childcare you wont have to rush home to feed the baby???

you have a choice - put up and wait for things to get worse or make him a clear ultimatum - get help or get out and mum will do childcare

Thank you so much for your response.

The going home at lunch time was initially cus I was BF and also because I only work 5 mins away so it gives me an extra chance to be with the kids at lunchtime as I don't see them in the morning because I leave for work early (I also used to go home for lunch prior to the kids coming along). But it is bad that when I go home I have to run around feeding the kids (he sometimes helps out but it is mostly me). It was difficult to put full details in without it getting so long no-one would read but also didn't want to drip feed so tried to bullet point things. If I didn't go home he would feed them but it is just I suppose that I have tried to make the most of my time with them/make sure they get proper food and he takes the mick and allows me to do more than my fair share.

I could not get my mum to take over childcare as if she was going to do it she was going to give up work to do so. She does however help us out (paid) on a Monday and Friday when she does things with the kids and housework/ironing. Usually on a Friday, as my mum is there I don't go home but today he wants me to go home for another chat. It is so draining. If it comes to it I will have to take time off work and the consequences of that will have to be whatever they are (i.e. if my employer gives me hassle again I will have to leave and the house will have to be sold and I will have to become a full time mum who is looking for an alternative housing solution).

I will tell him he needs to see the Dr or else I cannot stay with him.

Thank you for your response, it has helped enormously.

no dont go home for chat at lunchtime.

he has to understand you have work to do.

tell him you can talk on weekend. allocate a time.

chats with my exP would just go round in circles - ultimately your h needs to get the right help to sort himself out you cannot do it for him tho you can offer to support him in this - but running home to feed and be with kids really does not help him ...

make it clearer - he has to go to GP and get help. you wont be his therapist or whatever. he can access that professionally and get support to give up his addiction thru appropriate support groups.

and speak to your union rep or other adviser re your boss so you dont lose your job over hme crisis - speak to workin fmailies about parental leave /emnergency leave etc

www.workingfamilies.org.uk/ you do have rights at work and dont resign until you discussed with an adviser your position and worked out your legal rights as a parent - rememerb that child care costs would be expensive now but they will ease as kids get older and you can get some tax credits etc for childcare .

it is a mind set - to stop running around after someone because they ill/depressed/needy etc - and being firmer setting the boundaries so ultimately they get the help they need themselves

striking a balance between supporting them thru recovery/getting help
and
just enabling them to continue to be depressed/weak/.needy etc. by doing the things they should be doing themselves.

i know i made mistakes eg taking over and doing everything and not pushing him out elsewhere to get the right help .

Thanks for your further posts, unfortunately I have just come back from lunch and so had been home .

I also wanted to say I was sorry to hear of your experience (:

On the positive side when he said he didn't want to go to the GP as he didn't like that sort of thing I was really firm and told him he had 2 choices which was feel like he did and that I would not be around for that or to get help to make himself better.

I agree that I have been enabling him to be a user of weed, to be able to shirk out of stuff etc - well I am not going to anymore. In a way this may partly be the problem - last year after I returned to work it was a really terrible time for me and consequently I was very unhappy and looking for other work ( which is really difficult as we live quite rural and I do get paid well for this area although it is only enough to keep us going and pay the mortgage etc.). Anyway as things improved with the 14mo getting better etc I became stronger in myself and decided that I was not going to be pushed around at work and if the consequences were that I lost my job etc that would be it. This seems to have translated to DH that I am now happier at work and he therefore seems to think I must have an alternative interest here .

BTW I don't have a union as I work for a small company whereby I am supposedly a director but with a very minor share holding therefore not having much say.