Sexual abuse

[Joiyuk]

This is the first time I have been able to post about this, and I know I'm a newbie so apologies for such a heavy first post. I need to get some stuff off my chest though, and you ladies all seem very friendly.

Ok, here goes. My cousin sexually abused me while I was younger. I didnt tell anybody about this abuse until I was about 17/18 when I told my brother who urged me to tell my mum (which I did). It was decided that it wouldnt be mentioned to my grandparents so that we could protect them. Several years later, my cousin got married, and his wife had 2 daughters already. He raped the eldest daughter, but for some reason nobody believed her. He did move out of the house for a while, and lived with my grandparents. They paid a fortune to give him counselling, it later turned out he was having counselling for a sexual addiction. While he was having this counselling, he approached my mum and basically tried to tell her it wasnt his fault that he had sexually abused me, it was his addiction that made him do it. My mum told him where to go. He eventually moved back in with his wife, and her daughter went off the rails and ended up taking an overdose. By this point, I felt terrible. This girl was going thru hell and I felt it was my fault for not saying anything. Years passed, I 'dealt' with things in my own way. I self harmed, 1 suicide attempt and some unsuccesful counselling later and I just carried on pretending it had never happened. So just recently the whole thing has reared its ugly head again. He moved overseas a few years ago, to a country renowned for having children roaming the streets unattended. 2 weeks ago he was arrested in said country for sharing pornography across peer2peer networks. This pornography was involving children between the ages of 12 months and 13 years old. To say I am devestated is an understatement. I feel dirty, I feel tainted. Both from the fact he did things to me and the fact I am related to him. I am pushing my poor partner away, I dont want to be touched and I feel exhausted constantly. My thoughts move too fast for me to make any sense of them, and I cant concentrate on anything. Why am I feeling like this? Its something that happened a long time ago, why can I not get over this? I have a 1 year old son, I need to deal with these issues once and for all. Sorry ladies, I know its a long one but I dont know where else to go. I find it very difficult to talk about things, and this has just made me so introverted that my partner doesnt know what to do.

You poor thing. It's no wonder you ate still suffering its all been refreshed with the latest information about him. It looks like you got good at burying it rather than coming to terms with it and how can u be expected to come to terms with it when he is still out there hurting people? Is advise you to get professional help and report him to the police before anyone else suffers.

Thanks for replying Hattie. I did consider going to the police, but after speaking with my partner I realised that it would mean dragging it all up again and again. Unfortunately, the police have to be certain that you are telling the truth so it can be very hard to feel like you have to convince them you are not a liar. I dont think I am emotionally strong enough to do that, now or in the near future. Also, it would probably mean he would be brought back here if my evidence was used, and I would rather him stay in the prison system in the country he is in. They certainly don't have colour tvs over there, its 1 meal a day and horrendous conditions. I just want to be able to deal with it once and for all. Unfortunately, my father also has/had mental health issues so I think that makes this all the more difficult for me to deal with. I'm so confused :-(

It sounds like even though you were believed by your parents, you were never allowed to talk about what was done to you and to heal from your experience, you were never really supported. They expected you to carry on and that is what you have done. Unfortunately sexual abuse stamps itself on every part of your body mind and soul and unless you are able to open up, feel supported and work through it, it doesn't go away.

It is probably time to find support now, to get some good, preferably specialist counselling. Speak to your GP if you can, or contact a rape crisis centre or if you are anywhere in the Midlands contact Safeline.

It is not surprising you feel the way you do - you can still not feel safe because it still is going on, he is still abusing. I will say that none of it is your fault, not what happened to you, not what happened to others.

As you can probably tell I'm a survivor too. Start looking after yourself. It's necessary and worth it.

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate your input. I'm not great at talking about it all tho, so would counselling work? I always feel a bit sceptical, if I found it hard to talk would we both be sat there in silence? I know it sounds like a stupid question. I'm a bit like chandler off friends, I say silly things to overcome situations I feel uncomfortable in. So people think I'm ok when actually I'm eaten up inside. I hate that I make jokes to try to hide how I'm really feeling, everybody thinks I'm so happy all the time when in actual fact I just want to stand and scream 'help!'. I'm sorry you had to go thru this as well, it's horrible. Luckily (?!) he never raped me, it was more other stuff. I dont know how (or if) I would have coped if he had done that.

I'm good at doing that too I'm sure many people do. Counsellors are trained to see thru that stuff and they will talk to you, you will get upset but that's part of the healing process. We fool ourselves into thinking if we paint on a smile we are healed but that's not true.

It doesn't matter what was done to you. It was abuse and it has caused you pain and damage. I was raped extensively and I'm still here! A mother, wife, lawyer and friend.

Yes counselling does work. You will probably not be able to open up all at once, but a good counsellor will understand it takes you time to do so. And even in counselling you can make your silly jokes if you need to. Avoid CBT therapy, you need to talk your way through this at your own pace and in your own way. if you feel you can't talk your therapist will help you deal with that. You won't sit there in silence.

I've had counselling in 3 stages over 3 years from 3 different therapists. Necessary because of the mess I was in when all the memories came back after giving birth to a child that then turned out to be very ill. It has transformed my life. I'm learning to be myself now, trust and love myself and hold myself in relationships. It was so worth it.

Thank you both so much. I had counselling before and it didn't really work too well. No fault of the therapist, but I was due to move overseas so the sessions were crammed in before my move. That was shortly after a suicide attempt (stupid mistake, more of a cry for help at the end of a horrendous path). I feel like I have to support my mum thru this too, but I don't think I have the strength to do that. It's affecting my work too, my absentmindedness has already put me the wrong side of a new manager. It's not like me. I just can't stay focused even when I'm not thinking about it. I feel like I'm falling apart, yet mentally I'm quite numb. My emotions are erratic as well. It's frustrating because I actually can't pinpoint exactly how I'm feeling. Am I actually making any sense? I managed to talk about it a bit to my partner the other night, I can never say very much because I can't find the words. It ended in tears again, which is the usual thing for me when talking about anything related to this.

Btw madmouse, I'm so sorry for what you've had to go thru. How amazing that someone like you can go thru that and come out with a positive outlook. I hope I have your strength. X

Why do you have to support your mother? She was an adult when this happened, you were the child. It is time for you to look after yourself.

making lots of sense - big hugs. if you're managing to talk then that's good and it's worth giving counselling another go - you've got to be in the right place in your head for it to work. I've had my share of counselling at two different points in my life - it was really tiring and draining, and felt like a very long slog, but really worked for me in the long run. after having a mega breakdown combined with pnd have been on ADs for the last few years which have also helped! my brain chemistry is fried, but I don't need counselling any more and am comfortable with where I'm at ifswim.

Thanks girls. Well, we've been given the opportunity to move overseas. I'm hoping this will be the fresh start for us all. Hopefully I'll be too busy starting a new life to care about everything that's happened. Xxx