I have previously recieved counselling for anorexia, alongside depression and self harm with suicide attempt. I have never really stopped having issues with food, but I was able to overide the thoughts and make myself do what I should.
Now I feel so lost. I am completely torn in two. There is the one part of me that knows that I cannot give into the feelings, but I can't stop myself. I feel so confused and so powerless. I cannot bring myself to eat. It feels so dirty and disgusting.
I am not what would be refferred to as large, one part of me knows that I dont need to lose weight, but I can't win against the feeling of repulsion at myself.
I am the heaviest I have ever been, just over 8 stone. Now I look at that and logically know that its not big, but I cannot help myself. I feel so much better not eating, and currently I feel so large, I can literally feel the flab just as I sit.
I feel so powerless. I can't stop myself . I know its wrong and I know its stupid. I do not want my children to learn these habits. I think I have forgotten how to have fun.
I feel like a caged trapped animal. I dont really get to go out, I think things might not be right with my relationship, but I can't trust my own mind at moment. I think I am too weak, I shouldn't let things be how they are.
I seem to live continuously. I lie to everyone at work and at home saying all is good. But it really is not.