How do you manage depression and work and life?

[Grockle]

I just don't know how to manage it...

I'm a lone parent (with a distant partner frequently threatening suicide), working almost full-time. I've had ongoing health problems for 2 years which have left me feeling worn out. And now I'm depressed.

I'm really struggling to balance my stressful job, housework, feeding DS, laundry, ferrying DS from one place to another whilst maintaining any sort of sanity. I'm exhausted and just don't know how to do it all. I'm desperately fighting the urge to put DS in the car and disappear - I know that'll just make it all worse. So, how do people manage it?

Grockle i dont know. I have days like that but i think im lucky in that my meds work well and i can cope on most of the other days. Are you takin anything or seeing anyone about it right now ?

Yes, taking ADs (not helping), seeing GP, been referred for CBT. But none of that helps with the day to day stuff. I'm just knackered and can't do it all. I AM doing it for now but I'm scared that I'm just going to implode.

Hello Grockle

I can recommend chanting nam myoho renge kyo.

It will get you through better. Try chanting to the blank wall 15 mins morning and evening?

I have been a Nichiren Buddhist for two years and been chanting for nearly 3 years and it does give one a further boost.

I have been living with anxiety and depression on and off for over 12 years and the chanting is quite restorative.

Sometimes it feels like a quick fix and other times it just feels like it is restorative and keeping me going better. It is variable.

I can still recommend it though! I feel for you as I am a single parent too and I have no family support and that adds to my issues.

The other thing you could try is to call the Samaritans when you need to urgently offload they are simply wonderful such good listeners you don't need to feel suicidal to get into contact with them??

Please do try both or either of the above I hope it helps you!

Take care.

Oh grockle, you have been through such a massive change in the last couple of years, haven't you? It is a lot to deal with. Is there a way you can cut down on what you are doing? I don't know how old your ds is, but simple things like a picnic supper one night a week - he gets to grab stuff out of the fridge, etc? How about someone in to clean for an hour or so a week in the short term? Plus, you are managing it now. You're doing a great job both paid and with your ds. Hope you feel better soon.

I hadn't thought of that tadjenny but yes, lots of massive changes. And I coped with them all really well at the time - I remember being amazed that I was ok!

I can't figure out how to cut down what I'm doing. I'm not cooking gourmet meals or anything, I don't go out, I do the bare minimum to get us through. DS still needs to do his activities and homework and I'm not managing to do my own work. I just want to hibernate for a while.

Hi Grockle; you sound exactly like me. I broke down in the docters about 3 weeks ago and she has put me on citalopram. I am feeling better already.

I can see past the crap which is actually not that important ! It's early days for me. I was suffering from Insomnia and have a history of it and Anxiety.

The depression is a new one for me.

You need a break. Can anyone help you out for a day at the weekend ?

You can't do everything - not all the time - dont try to (i have to learn this one)
Think about what a good job you are doing.
Give yourself a pat on the back.
It wont always be like this - Life is full of phases and trials - this is one and it will pass.

Get back to see your GP. Let us know how youre doing !

Thank you. I am seeing GP every couple of weeks atm. He won't do anything except maybe refer me to Mental Health team. I'm not crazy, I'm just exhausted. I have had people help out recently but can't do that every weekend.

On a good day, I can manage. On a bad day, it's all too much.

Maybe you arent on the best ADs for you ? Can you try some others ?

Maybe - but these saved my life last time and, after a really bad response on some other, I'm too scared to try different ones now. If these worked before, why aren't they now?

Maybe they are working and stopping you feeling much worse. Perhaps a different dosage would help?

When you say, 'on a good day, I can manage,' what do you mean by that? Are you getting everything done you feel you need to and feeling good about that? On a bad day, is it that you feel overwhelmed by everything you have to get done and therefore don't do it all, or are you feeling bad about the stuff you don't get done? What I mean is, are you striving to be superwoman (which you are: you have a very stressful and worthwhile job, you are bringing up your ds on your own and doing a great job of that) and then feeling overwhelmed that you are not reaching your own high standards? Or have you reached the 'can't get off the sofa' stage?

Are you able to take a couple of days off work sick and really recharge your batteries? Sod the housework, read your favourite book and watch your favourite DVD with a large box of quality chocolate? A long brisk walk in the country etc.

I'm sorry if this is not useful advice. I know when I get to the hands won't stop shaking stage that I didn't put the brakes on early enough.

Hoping your ds goes to bed nice and early and you can relax, grockle!

Maybe that's true Jenny, but my bad days are pretty bad atm and I couldn't feel much worse - scary thoughts etc. I'm not at the 'can't get off the sofa stage' but I don't tend to get that. I carry on and on until one day I can't do it any more and I do something stupid. I usually name-change if I talk about this But I can't do anything stupid because what about DS?

I can't take any time off work now - my GP suggested signing me off about 4 weeks ago and I said no. Then, 2 weeks ago when I said I couldn't manage, he said I have to

So, I'll plod on and on and hope it's just a phase that will get better soon. I'm just scared because of what has happened in the past.

What do you mean, 'do something stupid'? Whatever it is, I'm glad you have ruled it out because of ds. Anyway, if it's just a day or two off work, you self-certify, don't you? I'm sure your work would prefer you to take a day or two then be signed off for weeks. And it is just a phase that will get better. It has in the past, hasn't it?

Before I moved to the States I went through a phase of wanting to drive my car into a tree so that dh could take the dcs and start a new life without silly old me being a drag on everyone. My GP was excellent and banned me from driving for a couple of weeks and put me on citalopram straight away. I wish your doctor was more understanding. I wish I could give you some concrete help too.

Erm, in the past I've tried to end it all out of desperation. I can't try that again. But I do sometimes gaze longingly as the bus goes by wishing it would hit me so I could have a bit of peace for a while

I can't have more time off work - I had 2 days off last week and we're incredibly short-staffed - it's not fair on my staff if I'm off too and it makes it unsafe. That shouldn't be my problem but it is. I don't want to put other people in danger.

It'll get better, I know it will. I just don't know how to manage everything in the meantime. Thank you Tadjenny.

What do you do for work? I have been suffering from depression for a couple of years now and on the mend at the mo, but stll have less good days. I did a very stressful job but came to realise that it was even less safe if I wasn't well mentally than if I wasn't there - sometimes you realy do have to put yourself first.

Anyway, I got through it by making lists. I had got to the can't get off the settee stage and (with my mum's encouragement) I started making lists. To begin with they were very simple - wash up, take rubbish out, get petrol, decide on tea - and so on - and they did help because asI crossed things off I felt I was achieving something and it increased my confidence that I could cope. I still use the list strategy now. I wonder if maybe you also need to decide on your bottom line - what's the minimum that seems ok to you? I know there were days when the extent of my parenting consisted of providing clean knickers and easy stuff in the freezer and very little else, but my girls are teenagers so reasonably independent. I felt realy bad about this, but a friend helped me realize that actually they wouldn't come to any harm in the short term and they had lots of emotional support from some good friends and my mum. Somehow, we all survived. But it's not easy and felt like such a struggle some days. You need to be kind to yourself and focus on what you do achieve and give yourself credit for keeping going.
Maybe think about how you could hibernate - but in a positive way - maybe use up some leave if you don't want to go off sick and go away for a few days if that's a possbility?

Good luck - you will get there and it will get better.

Sorry, I was out picking the dcs up from school etc. I get that you don't want to take time off work and that would make you feel guilty. Not conducive to feeling better. Can you draw strength from the fact that you have felt this way before and still came out the other end? Equate it to maybe having a bad cold that knocks you for six but you know you are going to get better? That bus wouldn't give you a bit of peace for a while, would it?

I think you need to think of ways to make you feel better in the meantime, while you're waiting for the black dog to piss off and leave you in peace. Does writing stuff down help? If I am feeling low and am heading down that slippery slope, I try to force myself to do things that I know give me pleasure. Can you force yourself to get engrossed in a really good book and munch a large bar of chocolate ? Re-read something that is familiar and comforting to you. (That would be Pride and Prejudice to me! ) It must be almost spring there (looks at the swirling, whirling snow storm here) so would taking ds out to look for snowdrops, daffodils etc make you feel better? You live in a beautiful part of the world, don't you? Climb up a local hill to look at the magnificent view and most importantly: breathe . Really breathe, and take it all in. You've done this before and you will do it again.

Do you know any local sixth formers who are going up to college in September who might want to earn a few bob in the meantime? Sometime to come in for a couple of hours a week to run the hoover round, load the dishwasher, sweep the floor, or do something cool with ds while you go to yoga, have a hot bath, insert relaxing activity of choice, needn't cost you the earth.

Is there someone in RL you can confide in? Can they come round and share a bottle of wine with you? The fact that someone else knows how bad you are feeling can sometimes be the impetus you need to shake things off. I mean, I don't really know you other than from the internet, but you've obviously faced this before and know what has helped in the past. You need to tap into this. Good luck.

Go to bed at 8. If you are rested, things do seem easier.

And remember, good enough is good enough.

I know you might well feel nervous about this but I would push for the referral to a CPN-I was significantly better within days and cured within weeks!-they have a much better knowledge of AD's and with one change of meds they did for mw what my poor doc coudnt do with around 6 diff drugs. I was terrified of being admited but my CPN made it clear that this simply wasnt an issue and she was fab-so good to verbalise the madness I felt and actually hear that it was perfectly normal within the realms of depression and I wasnt going insane. Best of luck in your recovery-you will feel much better soon.

*me-damned phone!.

Hey Grockle,

We are on the same page ! 4 weeks ago, i wanted to be hurt, you know so i wouldnt have to go to work, so i could literally be looked after in hospital. So i wouldnt have anymore stress or worries or have to keep going. Someone else taking over for me.

I had bad thoughts, but i know they were me looking for help. I went to the docters because the insomnia had got bad again and just broke down as soon as i walked into her room ! She is a Brilliant Docter, i was in with her for over 30 mins ! This helped me enormously.

How long have you been on your AD's ? Apparently mine (ssri's) take 4-6 weeks to feel the full benefit..... But already i am more chilled, I normally try to be superwoman, but now i can see that it really aint worth it ! So what if the flat is a mess - I work full time, have 2 kids and life is hard enough, without worrying about hoovering ! Fuck it !

Would being signed off help ? A few weeks to chill ? People go through this all the time.... It's normal to not be able to do everything, you are doing amazingly and have been for how long ? But sometimes it catches up ! It's taken years to catch me up ! Dont feel guilty about this, dont beat yourself up because you need some help. You are human and we all fall down sometimes.

I think you really need a rest, time off ! What happened in the past btw ?

I do go to bed at 8, but my insomnia leaves me waking/ dozing/ up all night. Rest does help, I just don't know how to get it! My GP won't sign me off now - I don't know why. It feels a bit better today - I feel lighter and less desperate. Still exhausted, angry and generally miserable but certainly a little better.

Chief, I'll bear that in mind.

Thank you all for the support.

Just checking you are ok, grockle?

I'm sorry it's still so hard for you.

I wish I had an answer but I don't. I want someone to come along and say' there, there! I'll take charge amd make it all go away'. Sadly they don't DH tries but he can't. If we are still together at the end of this I'll owe him big time.

Have a hug my lovely!

Oh, thank you for checking on me. I'm ok. Sad, wanting it all to go away. Struggling to deal with work/ DS/ house/ DP etc but not actively making plans to end it all. I am on the verge of tears all the time. It's a beautiful sunny day outside, I've been quite productive and have spent time with DS - I know I should be glad and happy but I just don't feel it. I'm tired of feeling numb and tearful and like a big waste of space but I'm ok.

So glad you got back to the thread grockle. Was getting a bit concerned. Knowing what you should do/be and actually doing it are not the same thing. I ought to get off MN and clean the bathrooms... If it sounds wanky, ignore it, but I was listening to Goldie Hawn the other day who said that writing down 5 things you are grateful for every day can really help change your mindset. They'd got a group of depressives who couldn't even get out of bed to do this for a number of weeks and it got a good number of them out of bed and functioning again. You're already doing way better than they are. I think you will come through this fine. I can see three positives at least in your latest message. Good luck.

Hi Grockle.

Do you need a higher dose of ADs? How long have you been on them. I have been taking mine for a month now and I do feel more 'stable' than I did. Still knackered but finding more energy iyswim. More able to cope with stress - over christmas anything going wrong would have me shaking and crying and wanting to hide under the bed!

Thinking of you - heartfelt sympathy xx