PND or just sheer excaustion?

[slowcooker]

The above maybe a rhetorical question. I just need to get things of my chest or I'll go mad. I don't know which of the two is the cause of my unhappiness. If I'm merely absolutely shattered, trying to hold it all together or I have a bout of depression and if the latter could it be PND? I found I have not been enjoying the company of my almost 1 year sweet and amazing daughter. Today I'm having a complete meltdown crying my eyes out. She's turning 1 in a few days and instead of being elated I just feel under so much pressure and on edge all the time.

The problem is that my request for going back to work PT didn't work out so I had to start FT about 4 weeks ago. Even if that means that half of what I earn will be paying for childcare, we can't afford for me not to work. Also, I had to make a quick decision about the position so I had to start work immediately.

I work nights at the moment so I was able to work alternate nights for the first few weeks until I found childcare. I have found a wonderful child minder and started with her last week but as DD not 1 year old yet she's not been going all days yet. I'm utterly deprived of sleep, as I only ended up sleeping every other night up to now. I snap at DH a lot. I'm trying to have a quality time with DD so I do 2 activities with her on 2 mornings (even when I come straight out of work). It gets us out of the house and with other people but on return home I have no energy to do anything else and can't wait for DH to come home from work so he can take over with bathtime. At weekends I can't wait not to have to care for DD.

Lately, I feel I'm not making DD happy as apart from those 2 activities I don't do much with her and just watch telly stack cups or read books. That's not enough for her development, I know, but no energy to do anything else. I'm hoping after this week that it'll change as she'll be with child minder 2 full days and 3 half days which will give me a chance to sleep and a break. In time I hope things will go back to normal but because I'm so tired and unhappy now I feel that it will never go back to normal.

DH and I have no one around to rely on for help. We have not gone out or done anything nice as a couple for a long long time. I know other people have it much worse but it seems thinking things logically is not helping. I just feel so miserable and unhappy. I know that if after a while of having I still feel the same I'll probably go to GP for some help.

Thanks for listening.

It sounds to me as if you are utterly exhausted. My mum worked nights when I was little and I don't know how she did it. She would sleep about 3 hours in the day - 2 hours while I was at nursery and 1 hour while I had a nap. It sounds like you might get more sleep if your DD is at a childminder's.

Please don't feel bad about only 'stacking cups and reading' as as far as I am concerned they are both great for development. I am a big fan of learning through play. I spent hours and hours with my DS1 stacking cups! He loved them. He also loved jigsaws, worth a try with your DD? Reading is fantastic for their development. And don't knock TV - they learn a lot through TV too. I am often beating myself up about how much TV DS3 watches when I am working (I work from home) but I think all parents feel guilty, feel they aren't doing enough etc.

Is there any way you and DH could arrange a night out? Do you have anyone who could babysit? Even if it is just a meal out at the local pub or something?

Oh sorry just read that you have no-one to help. How about a takeaway or get your DH to cook you a nice meal together, dress up as if you were going out, eat at the table with candles? I know it's not as good as going out.

Not sure the choice is between being mega tired and having PND. The third option you don't mention is having unreasonably high expectations of yourself.

You're getting back into work, shifts, getting your head round nights again. She's getting used to a child minder. Sounds like you both need plenty of time hanging out together, stacking cups and reading books. It's nonsense that playing together is not enough for her development - it's what she needs more than anything. My ds (older, he's just turned 4) goes to nursery 2 whole days and special school 3 mornings. On his afternoons off or on Saturdays sometimes all he wants to do is lie on the floor and drive his tractor backwards and forwards! Children do not need to be entertained all the time.

And why do you need to be 'elated' that it is nearly her birthday? Try not to dictate to yourself how you should be feeling.

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. I missed a very important birthday party yesterday due to fatigue (DH took DD on his own) and I cried all day long.

Becky we just had a wedding anniversary and I didn't even have the energy to dress up for a meal in. I have a wonderful sister in law in town but she physically can't help us out so I can never count on her for help, not for a long while. I'm hoping to manage a 'date night' at home once I get more rest. DH is a brilliant cook and very domesticated so all I need is to get myself dressed up and enjoy the candlelight!

Madmouse your words are food for thought. I do have high exnpectations most of the time. It took me a while to be a mum and I am truly happy but can't seem to be able to enjoy even the little things lately. I just need to give it time to settle into a routine and lower my expectations for my DD's sake.

Many thanks again

Be less hard on yourself, no-one is super woman and it sounds to me that you are doing amazingly well and that you have completly valid reasons for being utterly knackered. If you need to rest, do it and don't feel guilty. You will be healthier for it in the long run.