Hi
I have been searching the Internet for hours trying to find a chat room or a forum where I can write something down and make myself understood. So, I am new and need help in a major way. Apologies in advance - this is going to be a long one.
I am 32, married with 2 children aged 6 and 2. I have had depression issues in my past but thought I had dealt with them and I have been living quite happily over the past 8 years or so getting on with life. But recently everything is going horribly wrong and I am completely falling apart. I don't know why I am suddenly feeling like this but my depression has crept up on me without warning and I am struggling to stay afloat.
I suffered from self harm from the ages of 14 to 23 and since this Christmas have been self harming pretty much daily. I am so angry with myself for starting again because I am so aware of my 6 year old and am hiding myself from her. We used to go swimming weekly and we haven't been for nearly 3 months. She is already questioning why not and it's becoming more and more difficult to think of an excuse. She walked in on my in the shower the other morning and luckily she wasn't 100% awake and just went to the toilet and left. But I know it's only a matter of time before she notices and how the hell do you explain that to a 6 year old who is very mature for her age????
My DH is freaking out. I tried to write down how I was feeling and now he wants to hospitalize me so I can sort myself out. But I need some sort of normality - get up, get kids to school/creche, work, pick up kids, bedtime and without that I fear I am going to completely lose it.
I did go to the Dr a few weeks ago but he is waiting before putting me on AD's. I've no idea why. He's prescribed me Temazepane to help my sleeping which does help, but now I am having horrendous dreams and would prefer to stay awake than deal with the vividness of them. I'm shattered and exhausted and don't know what to do.
I don't want to accept help and admit I'm losing the plot, but at the same time it would be such a relief to just give in and admit I can't cope anymore. But then my brain starts working overtime and I worry about work and whether they will fire me, I worry about the kids and whether DH can cope, I worry about DH and his health (high blood pressure) and know that he needs me around to sort the house and kids.
I am seeing a therapist but my insurance will only pay for 10 sessions (of which I have had 5) and I am worried I am going to trust and share things with her only to stop and be passed off to someone else (I live in NL so no NHS here). I need to be able to talk to her about past issues but I am petrified of trusting and admitting. I know that is the root cause of my problems and I have never dealt with it but I just don't know where to begin.
What I really want, is to get into the car and drive. Drive away from all my stress, worries and problems but I know that it will always follow me and the only way forward is to stop and turn around and face them. I just don't know how to do that or where to begin. So now I am writing on here hoping that someone, anyone, can understand where I am coming from and suggest something, anything for me to do.
Help.