Voices terrible..

[nicklenackle]

Hi, I haven't posted here before. I have schizophrenia and although most of my symptoms are pretty well controlled by the medication, I still hear voices for most of every day and in the night when I'm awake too. There are 3 of them and they constantly shout, swear and say awful things about me, to me and to each other.

I just don't know how to get through the days any more. I feel paralysed by it all, having to be positive and smiley with my children whilst listening to the horrendous things the voices say. And I never get a moments peace - the kids are screaming, the voices are being abusive, I just want to curl up in a ball and make it all go away. I spend a lot of time thinking about how to pacify them and do what they want without actually doing the things the4y tell me to do. I can feel them touching me.

I've got an amazing CMHT with a cpn and support workers but I struggle to tell them what's going on. I worry about the children. I wish someone else could hear the voices without me having to say what they say, if you see what I mean. I worry that the voices can hurt my children.

I don't think I'm explaining very well. sorry.

You do really need to tell your CPN and the psychiatrist what you are experiencing. Although you say your symptoms are pretty well controlled, the fact you are experiencing seriously disruptive voices, may suggest your medication or at least the dosage needs looking at.

So sorry you are going through this, it sounds horrendous.

Hi getdown, thanks for replying. I'm on a fair whack of meds already and a couple of weeks ago they added another antipsychotic on top of the one I'm already on. The thing I'm concerned about with the meds is that they may suggest I go back on clozapine which I was on before i had my last child. I did have slightly better symptom control with it although nothing has ever got rid of the voices entirely, but they won't start it in the community so it would mean an admission. I've got a 6yr old, a 3 yr old and a 5 month old baby so I'd be away from them. This would gve the voices lots of ammunition and I wouldn't be able to control the children's safety if I wasn't there.

Sorry I don't know much about your illness but I do think you express yourself very well in your post and if you struggle to talk to your cpn then can you print this thread out and show them.

I can understand how stressful it must be coping with voices heckling you when want to relax with your children.

I was concerned by your last sentance about controling the dcs safety. Are you fearing the voices can harm your children if you don't conform?

What a nightmare, I can see why you'd not want to go back on the clozapine if it would mean admission. It would be very disruptive and confusing for your DCs, let alone the trauma of being an inpatient. My CPN always tells me to avoid admission, even when I am really ill, because they are not always environments that make you feel safe or on the road to recovery.

I have a 5 month old too, so I can sympathise. I also have a 4 year old. It's hard at the best of times let alone when suffering mental distress on top.

From the things I've been through though I've always found it's best to be honest about the symptoms you are experiencing. My anxiety is a lot worse and I feel less supported and understood if I am not honest.

Yes, I have things that I do and routines that I follow which keep the children safe when the voices are threatening them. I do everything to keep my children safe.

It's a good idea about printing off the thread, I might do that. I'm frightened about it being taken out of my hands, even though my cpn is brilliant at making me involved in decisions. I wish I could switch the voices off, just for a bit. I know some people can bargain with their voices and negotiate 'time off' but I've never managed that.

getdown, it sounds as though you've had a horrible time too. Did you have problems surrounding the pregnancy and birth too? That's always a really tricky time isn't it.