What kind of counsellor should I go for? I'm seeing a person-centred one at the moment, but I'm not sure it's helping me.

[BeattieBow]

I've also posted this message on the relationships board, so apologies if you're reading it twice.

I have had a recent (last couple of years) crisis in my relationships with my H and with my mother and thought that a bit of counselling would help me make sense of these. (I think my mother is narcasistic at the least but only realised when I was 40 and my H and I separated recently).

I have had 2 sessions with a person centred counsellor which I find nice because I get to sit and talk about myself, but I'm not sure it's what I want or need. I thought I wanted someone who could also tell me what the issues are (with my mum/my marriage/myself/my relationships) and help me come up with solutions to deal with these. I wanted some input from them too I suppose not just an empathetic person who sits there metaphorically patting me on the back. My counsellor is nice and i do like him, but I think I need more from him.

Does anyone have any advice about what a counsellor can/should provide and what I should be looking for?

A person who trained under Rogerian principles will describe themselves, quite rightly, as a Person Centred Counsellor. A good counsellor trained in this way will allow you to talk about your issues, and if necessary will help focus you on a course of action. He may just not be the best counsellor for you. Doesn't mean the system is wrong. It's not a 'waffley' term, its a recognised counselling training. Just some counsellors are better than others, whatever system they have trained in.

Person centred simply means that you steer the conversation and that you talk about whatever comes up for you and that there is relatively limited input from the counsellor. It's not vague at all and it certainly isn't whatever you make it.

It sounds like you are looking for something more like psychotherapy with more structured digging in your past and in relationships. But be careful not to expect too much from a therapist. Their role is not to tell you things, or explain how things work together, but to help you discover things for yourself.

There is a funny little book called 'Counselling for Toads' that can really help you understand the counselling process.

I think the most important thing is that you fee safe and that the counsellor is credible. The other thing have others have said, your expectations are too high. Getting to the root of your problems can take a long time (and to think in terms of 2 sessions is way off th mark to be honest)

Counselling is no magic bullet. You say you want someone to tell you what the issues are with your mum, your H and come up with solutions. That is not what counselling is about - counsellors are not mind readers. They only know what you tell them and can sometimes make interpretations on what you are saying, that willalmost always be an echo of something that was in your past, especially in your childhood.

A good counsellor will manage the therapeutic process, not tell you things. In talking about your emotions, sometimes a counsellor can pick up on the words you are using, body language, things like that, and make a comment or ask you things related to what you are talking about.

Incidentally and I know this is incredibly sexist, but I would always see a woman..........will now hide behind the barracades.

Madmouse where can I get the Toad book - sounds great!

Waves at NanaNina - good points.

Counselling for Toads

Madmouse - I have ordered the Toad book from Amazon. Hope you're well - I am doing well at the moment ..... NN x