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Mental health

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Original poster

How do I do this...

16 replies

Rhksmum · 20/02/2012 14:32

When the tears wont stop?
When the only person I get angry with and want to hurt is myself?
I cant stop questioning everyones motives, why would they want to be nice to me? to help me?
It feels wrong.
It's all spiralling out of control, everything is getting dark and I dont know how to fix it, to make it right.

I couldn't even make it to my psychiatrist appointment this morning, couldn't get over the door, my breathing has gone to pot and I keep getting dizzy.

I'm full of the cold again and my throat is killing me and I'm scared I will end up with tonsilitus again and end up in hospital again and have to let them put things in my mouth.

I wish it would all stop all of it but it doesn't it just keeps on going and going.
It's like I'm the girl in the horror film that dies in the end, but just as it gets to that part someone rewinds it and I have to go through all the pain again, over and over when all I want is to get to the end and not be here :(

OP posts:

NanaNina · 20/02/2012 17:55

Oh Rhksmum I remember you from another MH thread. It sounds like your anxiety is sky high just now. If I remember rightly there was someone on here who knew you and your background but can't remember who she is. Maybe you could put a call out for her.

NanaNina · 20/02/2012 22:59

Sorry no one else has responded RHKsmum and still can't think of who it was that knew you and would be the best person to support you - was it madmouse by any chance?

Hattie11 · 20/02/2012 23:01

I'm sorry

Who do u have around u? Can they take u to your appt?

Jackstini · 20/02/2012 23:03

Sorry you are havimng such a crap day & feeling like this R - how is your breathing now?

Think small steps, that's how you can do it; you can.

Have you got medication in the house for your cold/throat? If not can someone get you some?
If you need to speak to someone tonight please call the Samaritans
In the morning, see if you can rearrange your psych appt

And please keep posting

Original poster

Rhksmum · 20/02/2012 23:04

My head feels like its going to explode,
The kids came in from school today and I was still in my jammies, still on the couch under the blanket.
I haven't been over the door since Saturday and that was just for 10 minutes, I cant go back to not going out but its happening all again, I haven't been dressed or even brushed my teeth either since saturday but I cant be bothered, dont have the energy, need someone to give me a kick up the backside and tell me to get a grip before I fall apart completely.
But I hide it so well, probably too well

OP posts:

Hattie11 · 20/02/2012 23:09

Well at least u can see that u are hiding it - now be kind to yourself and find someone u can let your guard down with. U need to talk talk talk about your feelings.

Original poster

Rhksmum · 20/02/2012 23:10

Nananina yes it's madmouse and WRG, I have them on my facebook but cant access my facebook so.

There was no one to take me to my appointment today so they will send me another appointment out at some point.
have 2 more doses of pain meds left, hopefully by tomorrow it will be ok and it will be one less thing to panic about.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rhksmum · 20/02/2012 23:27

sorry its GRW not WRG, everything is all a muddle

OP posts:

GRW · 21/02/2012 09:11

I have only just seen this, but am around this morning if you want to talk. i hope your throat is a bit better today x

madmouse · 21/02/2012 09:20

Hey chuck sorry did not see this - was looking out for you on fb didn't realise you couldn't access it. Am still on Yahoo - or is your pc not working full stop?

Not surprised you didn't make it to the psych in the end.

Have you been to GP for your throat? The way to avoid going to hospital again is to get it treated on time. And ask if you can have children's ABs so you don't have to swallow large pills.

Don't try to deal with getting dressed, brushing your teeth and getting out of the house all at once. Have a shower today and consider it an achievement.

Am here for you xx

Jackstini · 21/02/2012 11:59

"Get a grip"
Here is a kick up backside

(both as requested)

Seriously R, really hope you are feeling a little better this morning.
Can you manage to get dressed and maybe just go out the back door on your own for a short while, just to get you back in to the idea of 'going out?'
Take your meds and just breathe some fresh air; one step at a time

Original poster

Rhksmum · 23/02/2012 15:35

Am I ever going to get this right?
No, probably not.
How did it get to be so hard?
I used to be so good at hiding it, to letting everyone think I was 'OK' but now I'm slipping up, people can see the mess I'm making of things, I cant hide it, but I cant explain whats going on in my head it all comes out in a jumble, cant be understood, might as well be talking in a different language.

I dont know what to say or how to explain whats in my head, what I see or hear, I try to but it just wont come out,

I have managed out once since saturday and that was to take my daughter to the hospital for her appointment and it was horrible, I know its not her fault she had to go but I resent her for it because I had to go out, the consultant was running late and I wanted to run, run as far away as I could, did she not know how hard it was for me sitting there, waiting, hearing the clock ticking, listening to the children crying, everything was soo loud.
I know none of that was anyones fault but I couldnt cope with it all, cant cope with anything just now :(

OP posts:

GRW · 23/02/2012 20:52

Think of it as an achievement that you did manage to get out when you had to, and wait to see the consultant even though it was so hard for you.
You feel that those around you can see that you're struggling- I think it's time to lean on those close to you and let them support you. Be gentle with yourself and don't expect too much of yourself.
I appreciate that what you are going through is really painful, but I do believe that you can feel better with the right support.
I am around this evening if you'd like to chat on facebook x

Jackstini · 24/02/2012 09:40

You did really well R, every little thing is another step for you. How are you feeling today?

Original poster

Rhksmum · 25/02/2012 20:33

I dont think I'm cut out for this.
I've made a real mess of it all, there isn't any going back
I dont know how to fix this this time
I dont have any words, cant explain whats going round my head, nothing makes sense, nothing feels real anymore.

OP posts:

GRW · 25/02/2012 22:09

I'm sorry things are still so hard for you. It sounds as if everything is muddled in your head, and it must feel scary for you. I think it would help you to have someone with you to support you as you try to make sense of everything.
Hang in there and recognise that although things feel hopeless at the moment there is hope that you can get better. I'm around if you want to talk on fb or phone.

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