I'm a rubbish mother due to childhood abuse and I don't want to live anymore.

[NHAN]

Sorry for the dramatic subject but I really am fighting with myself today. i don't want to live anymore, it is too painful and too hard, but I do want the mother of my children to stay here for them. The problem is I am their mother and I am completely useless at the moment.
I guess I have pnd but its caused by my childhood and the way my so called family have treated me ever since. I was abused and had lots of awful things happen that have never really been acknowledged. I went to the police about it all but they didn't investigate it properly and I am pretty certain they covered it all up.
I know at this point I sound mad but my father worked in prisons as deputy governor and somtimes acting governor. I was abused by a group of men/staff i'm not sure at and close to the prison. Also by my father for many years. The police took me seriously until I mentioned the prison and who my father was. Then they closed the case and burnt my statements. 2 years ago I tried again and told them more details, again I was taken seriously and they took statements, then they got the Inspector who had been my team leader when I worked for the police, to phone me and tell me it had all been investigated and they could not do anymore. I know I told them more, I know it is true and I know they are covering it up. But I can not do anything about it and it is killing me.
I have 2 children, the youngest is 6 months and the sleep deprivation hormones from breastfeeding are putting me in a much worse place than usual. I want to be a good mum but i'm so tired and drained I just can't do it anymore.
I need some form of justice from my past and want to feel I am believed but it won't happen. I constantly worry people think i'm a freak and a liar because that is what my partners parents think. Most people seem to of the view that if someone is guilty of something they go to prison which is not the case with child abuse.
This is very long sorry. My parents and sister have tried everything to ruin my life since and it seems they have now succeeded. They said I would be a rubbish mother and I am at the moment. I don't want them to be right but I need some help and support because of my past. Nobody is interested because it was so long ago.
My longest and closest friend is now looking at buying a house right near the prison and currently lives close to where I grew up so I am being bombarded with flashbacks and memories that I just can't cope with, especially without any sleep.
Whenever I have told anyone parts of what has happened in my past they say wow that is a lot to cope with, but nobody can ever help with how. I can't even find a counsellor who can cope with all of it. They do exist I just can't pay £70 a time.
I'm sick to death of being made to feel ashamed for something that wasn't my fault. Nobody wants to hear that i'm depressed due to that, there isn't any support and I don't want to lose this battle. I've fought suicidal feeling since I was 8, thats nearly 24 years and its too tiring now.
This doesn't make much sense because its just come out naturally, thanks if anyone has read this far

Get some help asap.
-Speak to the citizens advice bureau, they might be able to help with the legal side of what happened to you.
-contact you health visitor or/and your gp and explain that you are struggling, in fact start with that.
-avoid contact with your parents and anyone who makes you feel like shit.
-get some help with your DC so you can get some sleep. Once rested you will feel a bit stronger and more able to address the issues of your past.
That's all I can think about right now.
Please take care.

I didn't want to read and run, I'm really rubbish at links, but try heading over to the "but we took you to stately homes" thread, where there are lots of people who have suffered abuse of all types and are coming to terms with it.
I was abused and the flash backs were horrific, and they can pull you down so much, please speak to your GP and see if they can arrange some help for you.
Your children need you, so please don't do anything as they will always have the guilt of knowing they weren't enough to stop you leaving.
Sending un MN hugs your way.

Not really able to post in a lot of detail right now just wanted to say I too was severely sexually abused and cannot have justice as the country it happened in has statutory limitations and my case is too old. I too have been suicidal mainly because I decided that it was better if I disappeared so dh could remarry and ds get a proper mummy. I've not suffered as long as you have as my abuser was a teacher not a family member, plus my reaction it its severity was almost complete suppression for years. It all came back in labour with ds. I have however done a lot of healing and hard work in therapy and am really taking control of my life again now. So it is possible to get through this. PM me if you like.

NHAN, I am so sorry. I have no experience or advice, but I believe you, and am furious on your behalf that this has happened, both the abuse and the closing of ranks.

I can imagine it must be very hard to talk about this after the way you have been treated by 'the authorities' but your GP should be able to arrange counselling on the NHS.

Further down the line I wonder whether you could talk to your MP about what happened with the police - but for now I think you should concentrate on looking after yourself, and keep posting with other people who, sadly, know what you are suffering.

I am going through counselling for the same thing with my so called older brother went on for 8 years from the age of 4 or younger was also hospitiled at 12 because of what he did, it is far from easy very up and down I have suffered depressive illnesses for over 20 years since DD1 was born. I am lucky that the police are treating me very serious and are building a case I never thought it would be this hard doing the counselling but have been told it is normal but will get better I to have thought myself a terrible mother (still do) and my children are all grown. Have you a Rape crisis centre as I am getting fantastic counselling off them you can contact them for a one off session and then decide where you want to go but my advice would be to do it whilst your children are young. Take care x

You aren't a rubbish mum. You can't change your past. You can change your future. I know it's easier said than done (been there myself, but not to the extent you have) but try to focus on the positives of your relationship with your kids. When you have a negative thought about your past mentally put it in a box and throw it away and instead think of something positive you are looking forward to.

You can get through this, the future belongs to you.

Thank you everyone. I found that thread and posted the most I ever have it one go and if actually felt quite good. I'm sick of not talking about what happened to me because everyone else wants to shut me up.
I've gone a bit brain dead at the moment so can't reply properly but thank you all for taking the time to reply and believing me.