Bulimia is ruining my life...and nobody would guess.

[JuicyShops]

I have been bulimin for 17 year with no respite period. EVERY day I vomit, most days I binge. How am I still alive? I don@t know but I look good and feel fine, go to the gym most days, run swim etc.

BUT I have this demon and I think I will get to the end of my life and it wont ever have stopped. I had a terrible upbringing but a happy life on the outside now, but I will never get over serious bullying by a few family members.

Don't tell me to go to the doctors, I had a broken ankle for 3 months and walked around on it, I took 8 weeks to shake of tonsilitus as I am so afraid of doctors.

I just want to know I am not alone and I may have people in the same horrible existence.

xxxxxxx

i dont have any advice but i have been bulimic for 19 years. not constantly every day but definately more than not. over the years i have gone for help but it hasnt worked for me. i am at a particularly bad point right now. no one knows about this. i did tell my dp when we met 6 years ago but i promised him i would stop but i carried on. i really cant see a point where i will ever be free of it as it has been around since i was 12. i am constantly scared of getting caught.

Have been bulimic for 11 years. Very frightened of being caught. However, in September I decided I couldn't afford all the money wasted on food I purged and so began psychotherapy. Best decision.

I'm not going to tell you to go to the docs, but you know you are ill don't you?

Do you want to stop purging? Can you imagine a day without doing it?

The fact that you walked around on a broken ankle for 8 weeks seems to say that would want to be seen as string. As not having a weakness in any way. Please don't think that being ill with bulimia means you aren't strong.

You wouldn't have posted if you didn't want some kind of help....

I was bulimic for 14 years. I never thought I could give it up. Everyone else thought my life was perfect but I hated myself everyday. You really can stop. There really is life after bulimia - now for me food is just food. Not something to punish myself with or to use to numb myself to everything else.

All of what you all say resonates with me, wanting to give up, hating myself, not wanting to be caught. I don@t even purge much, I am at the point where I make myself sick after meals, even a salad as I cant stand the feeling of food in my stomach. My DH knows but not the extent.

This is my crutch.

Sorry to hear you are suffering juicy and others. Like liedto, I am a recovered bulimic. I had it for over 10 years and it ruled my life - I spent evenings and entire days/weekends bingeing and purging (interspersed with extreme exercise/starving myself) all the while managing to hold down a 'good' job and keeping it secret from everyone. I sought help as I was tired of the struggle and knew that even though I told myself I was in control, I knew I wasn't and was at risk of losing everything. I eventually realised how ill I was.

6 years later, my life and attitude towards myself are unrecognisable. I didn't think I could get better but it happened. Like liedto, it changed my life. I tried 2 different types of therapy - the first didnt help me but the second did whihc shows there are always different ways that might work.

The therapy was provided on an outpatient basis so I managed it without anyone knowing and was cognitive behavioural therapy which focused on trying to stop the behaviours first so we could get into a stronger physical place before we started to understand our emotional triggers and ways to manage these. there will always be difficult family members etc around but you can learn to change the way they affect you. Slowly but surely the things that scared me about the treatment/not having my bulimia crutch disappeared and I found other ways to release my tension and love myself.

Bit of tough love coming but you know that because you LOOK ok,it doen't mean you are't damaging your body, don't you? Have you looked at the BEAT website and read about bulimia risks? You could be at serious risk of damaging your heart and many other very serious issues that can cause long term damage or even death. Maybe some shock tactics will help you see reality rather than you continuing to let the bulimia voice tell yourself it'll all be ok so you can carry on... Finding others 'like you' is not going to make this ok. This is a type of behaviour you're trying to use to give yourself permission to carry on as you are again. It isn't helpful.

If you won't seek medical help, and you do have to decide this for yourself, there are the organisations like BEAT who you can phone/email etc who provide information to help you? They're excellent at dealing with anonymity. Do you know about the Something Fishy american Eating Disorder message boards? They have support for people struggling or in recovery but also a section on the stories of people who have won their fight.

Can you also think about what might motivate you to seek help? How might your life improve for the better if you were to get better?

It can be done and you deserve to be happy.

ITryToBeZenBut , thank you.

It DOES rule your life, sometimes to the extent that it is normal! A normal way to cope with life, a bad habit.
THank you for your advice, I do need to change my behaviour patterns.
I will have a look at BEAT thank you xx

I was wondering how you were doing OP?

ive been bulimic on and off for 20 years. I go through phases of not doing it or hardly doing it but it always comes back. I think with eating disorders its always there in the background waiting to pounce when things are low. Once youve passed that point and know you can make yourself sick, its always there. The amount it controls you can vary according to how in control you feel. I do it a lot less since ive been on antidepressants, although that wasnt my reason for going on them. At the moment i feel some sort of acceptance that sometimes i do this, in the same way that sometimes i will get drunk or something not ideal but i try not to give it too much importance, and i know the signs that its getting out of control and thats really hard to get out of but ive done it before and its a cycle that will probably happen again

I had bulimia when I was younger, now looking back think it stemmed from untreated depression. I still have self-esteem problems but treating my depression has definitely helped.

Dp found out bulimic
. Long standing .. only just started back .. althou ?? As to if he really stopped .. seen vomit down drain 20/ 30 mins after eating :-(

I've had Bulimia for nearly 13 years now, I don't see it ending any time soon. This is how I deal with stress and stress is constant. I've gone to therapy, outpatient, day patient, residential, nothing has helped. I'm at the point in my life now where i've just accepted it as a part of myself, it makes dealing with it so much easier. I hardly try to hide it anymore. My guy knows about it, he hates it but I'll be very honest about it. We go out to eat and after I'll go "alright, ill be right back gotta go get this up before we hit the road.". I honestly don't even care anymore. I have a purge travel kit that goes everywhere with me.

This is me. Had it for over 20 years. It comes and goes, when I feel strong and positive and focused, I don't do it, don't even think about doing it and feel like I've beaten it. Then something can trigger it all of a sudden and I'm in a downward spiral. I loathe myself for it. Feel such a failure. I'm in that spiral now, and everything feels bleak.

Just realised this thread was started 7 years ago.

you definitely are not alone