I feel empty and dead inside

[ophelia275]

Hello. I'm feeling really really depressed at the moment. I don't take any anti-depressants anymore because I have tried so many over the years and although they help to some extent, I just feel numb. I stopped seeing a psychiatrist as it was not helping me.

The problem is that I feel my depression is not organic but caused by my situation. I am the mum of 2 kids and to be honest, I find every day a struggle. I really regret having my second child, it was done for all the wrong reasons (my husband wanted another child, I did not as I had a lot of depression and struggled to adapt to my first, but I thought he would leave me if I didn't give him his second child).

We are living in a tiny, cramped 2 bedroom flat because it is all we can afford to rent (and at 36 I hate having to live in someone else's flat). My husband is out at work all day and I am left alone with the kids. The older one is 5 so at school but the toddler is everything I feared about having another child - hyper, doesn't sleep, very whiny and crying constantly and just been a struggle from day one. Every day I regret having my second child. I feel trapped and claustraphobic. I really didn't want to do it all over again and it had got to the point where my oldest was getting a bit more independent and was going to nursery so I was having some time for myself.

The problem is that I just want to end my life. I wake up every morning wishing I was gone. I know this is a terrible thing to say, especially if you are a mum but I am just being brutally honest. I am terrified for the future. I have no qualifications, I have no energy to study and I have no hope that the future will be better. I picture my life as being a mum for the next 20 years and then being thrust into abject poverty as by that time we will be in our mid 50s and I don't think my husband will have work anymore. We will have spent all our money and energy bringing up these kids.

I know it is completely taboo to admit all this but obviously if I had known how I would feel being a mum, I wouldn't have had kids. You can't always predict the future and the whole parenthood thing is sold to you with all the benefits but not of the disadvantages. The worst thing is the trapped feeling. I am stuck here, in this city, in this life for the next 15 years at least.

My kids are warm, well fed, have everything they need, I cuddle them constantly and tell them I love them but I just feel empty and dead inside and I don't want to be here anymore.

It sounds really hard for you. It must seem overwhelming.

Your outlook on life is very bleak which must be a huge burden to carry. The good news is that an outlook can change. You probably don't believe me and think I am trying to cheer you up, but it is actually true.

You actually do have the power to change almost every aspect of your life.

But right now, you need quite a lot of help.

Please find a GP, or phone a mental health line (sorry I don't know which but I am sure someone will be along shortly with good information) and say all this to them. If you can't say the words, show them a print out of your post, or ask them to bring it up on their screen.

It is very important that you are heard by someone skilled enough to help you right now.

Trust me that a lot of the awfulness you are feeling is medically indicated and that you can feel a lot better than this.

It is not a taboo - in fact there is a long running thread on here that you will find when you scroll down that is called 'Does anyone else regret having children'.

It is also not terrible, unless you refer to the suffering you are going through feeling like this. Don't blame yourself for feelings, don't judge yourself.
They are what they are, just feelings. You may regret having another child, but you're still there getting on with it, you didn't put him out with the rubbish on a Friday morning.

As long as you are so tightly guarding the secret feelings you have inside because you think they are so terrible, it will be very hard to make progress and feel better.

I think if I'm brutally honest I felt very much like you when my two were babies/toddlers, I would never admit it at the time though because as you say motherhood is sold as something fantastic, but the early years are sheer grinding bloody hard work and I remember feeling trapped as well.
It does get better, mine are in their teens now and I love them to bits but I still remember how tough it was.
Please find someone to talk to in real life, don't do what I did and bottle it up. Please talk to a sympathetic doctor or your health visitor, I think you'll be pleasently surprised.

Thanks for all your replies. The problem is that I have spoken to my doctor, HV and was referred to a psychiatrist precisely because I did open up. I was also given anti-depressants originally but these no longer worked like they did after I had terrible post natal depression with my first child.

I believe they don't work (and neither does talk therapy) because my mind is not broken, this is not an organic depression like I had in the past. I am depressed because I have created a situation which I feel I cannot reverse, for which I have this overwhelming, all encompassing responsibility for and which is like groundhog day. This frightens the $hit out of me. I absolutely hate waking in the morning. My anxiety levels go through the roof and I dread seeing my toddler's face (god how awful is that). I resent him so much even though I know he didn't choose to be born. I just feel like my life is over. I feel like I am being punished because I made this incredibly stupid decision. It is obvious that I should have sorted out my own issues before making my life 349832 harder by bringing 2 innocent little souls into this world. But the pain and fear is indescribable. I just don't know how to progress from here and I just don't see anything redeemable in this life. My children do not bring me joy but I cannot admit this to anyone in real life.

Ophelia, I feel for you, you are not on your own. Please be aware though that you cannot reverse the situation as you say,as long as you are thinking along those lines you will not feel any better. You have to carry on and go forward with the situation. You sound like a great mum with all the cuddles etc, so rest assured you are probably doing a brilliant job although it might not seem that way to you.

My help will be limited, does talking to anyone not help at all. Is there a way of meeting up with any other mums to chat, have you asked your doctor, psychiatrist about this?