Suicidal thoughts but not depressed. What's with that/me?

[IShouldHaveBeenAPairOfClaws]

This topic has sort of come up before and it almost certainly has no solution but I felt like starting it up again. Is this a recognised disorder? Has anyone ever heard of it? I now spend a lot of time thinking how it would be great to not have to worry about anything anymore and go to sleep without having the hassel of waking up again.

But I'm not despressed. I've taken loads of online tests and they always say I'm not depressed. I sleep at night fine, I have a decent enough job, I have an interest in sex... Noone who knows me, not even my DP would have a clue there's anything wrong. I read up on atypical depression and chronic mild depression and they don't cover it. I also do not have low self esteem issues. If anything I have the opposite- I think I am quite good but am extremely misanthropic (in my thoughts) and often loathe other people (though others would probably just think me critical, not both social at all. I like spending time with my friends).

is it possible that what you are describing are fantasies about being free of responsibilities, of being carefree...? have you thought about psychotherapy to explore your feelings and relationships...? If you are actually making plans to commit suicide, feel you may act on these feelings you need urgent help, gp or samaritans... good luck.

there could be a physical cause if you have no other symptoms

my mum had overactive thyroid which was then removed

whenever her thyroid balance is off she gets an overwhelming sense of grief or of being worthless or of not wanting to be here anymore

originally gp prescribed anti depressants -made no difference, routine thyroid test adjusted her meds and the feelings went away

I'm not trying to be flippant on a MH check but with no other symptoms it might be worth exploring other causes

queenie I hadn't thought about the idea that I just want a rest, or something like that. Maybe. Though even when I'm on holiday I'm not that happy either. I am definitely thinking of therapy in fact I'm very keen on it, I'm just not quite confident enough to talk about this yet. But I do really want a therapist. I think it doesn't help that my marriage is a bit dodgy. But I think the dodgy bit of it is me. I'm just never happy with anything, the grass is always greener.

workshy not flippant at all, again, interesting idea. Though I have to say I don't think its that likely. I think if there is a physical problem its in my brain, like a chemical imbalance that makes me sad.

queenie I hadn't thought about the idea that I just want a rest, or something like that. Maybe. Though even when I'm on holiday I'm not that happy either. I am definitely thinking of therapy in fact I'm very keen on it, I'm just not quite confident enough to talk about this yet. But I do really want a therapist. I think it doesn't help that my marriage is a bit dodgy. But I think the dodgy bit of it is me. I'm just never happy with anything, the grass is always greener.

workshy not flippant at all, again, interesting idea. Though I have to say I don't think its that likely. I think if there is a physical problem its in my brain, like a chemical imbalance that makes me sad.

Have you been suicidally depressed previously in your life?

I think the majority of people have suicidal thoughts sometimes. Certainly for me it's a symbol of escape, not being in such agony that I can't bear to live.

I think that when one has spent a period of time seriously contemplating suicide then suicidal thoughts become normalised, and it is common to have them later, when one is no longer depressed.

swanker on and off my whole life. Are you sure its normal to get these thoughts?

I didn't say I was normal!

But I do think that when one has thought frequently of suicide that these become 'normal' thoughts for a person, and it is something one thinks about when stressed, or under pressure, or even randomly during the day- I know I do despite being not in the least bit depressed at present.

I think a spot of CBT could help with this, I'm sure, 'reprogramming' your mind IYSWIM.

Could be what's known as 'intrusive thoughts' .....here's some good info on how to manage them

Thank you selks and thanks swanker for the suggestions. At the risk of being awkward, I don't think I described what I meant very well in my original posts as I wouldn't really describe these as intrusive thoughts. Let me try again:

I think I probably am chronically depressed but in an incredibly hard to diagnose way because I am so adept at carrying o with my normal life no matter how sad I become. I think I was born to be more sad than most other people. Even as a child I was more anxious and less happy than most. But as I said, I don't think a professional would ever think I have much of a problem because my esteem is quite good, my job is good and so on. Sometimes, when I'm especially down, I think how great it would be to die and how annoying it is that I can't because I can't upset my family in that way, especially my dd. It comes and goes but has been a feature of my like for as long as I remember.

I agree that therapy is almost certainly the solution. I'm just not quite ready to talk to anyone outside of mumsnet about it yet, but hope to be able to at some point.

Apologies for the poor description in the orginal post.

And apologies for lack of paragraphs. I'm on a phone.

I must say I don't think you are that unusual and I think a professional will find it quite easy to diagnose you as depressed as long as you are honest with them. You obviously are intelligent and a bit of a thinker and you have been overthinking this. If there is so much sadness in you and you have regular thoughts of wanting to be dead - well you can think long and hard about it but it points quite clearly to depression.

Seeing that you are coping so well you may not want to start on pills - it sounds to me that you are a clear candidate for some good psychotherapy, especially since you point to already being an anxious child.

Not being shallow here - but married to a man who was a bit like you although with more obvious depressive episodes. He is extremely intelligent (doctor in science and a theologian too) and is prone to looking at himself in a very detached way, like you do.

It is normal to have fantasies of suicide/escape.

However, constant suicide ideation is probably depression and/or anxiety, whether or not you fall into any questionnaire boxes.

The thing is, if you feel unsafe, you may want to seek professional help. If however, you have no intention of acting on your suicidal thoughts, you would be considered as in no danger and therefore not in need of intervention.

In a nutshell, it is up to you. If you are comfortable, explore it further possibly through books or psychotherapy. If you are uncomfortable you would be sensible to seek professional help.

I agree with madmouse that you sound detached from your life, which is a big feature of depression. You know how to make your life work in a practical way but you are not connecting emotionally with it, you are not getting enough enjoyment out of it to make it seem worthwhile. Do you think you would ever follow through on your thoughts or are they just fantasies?

madmouse sums things up beautifully

my dp is like you-highly functioning.its very important you are honest with g.p etc and im sure CBT will help

best of luck

Yes, thank you mad mouse. I think you may have commented on my last thread along these lines and your comments are pretty useful. Will mull this one over for a bit but it does seem like therapy would be a good move. If anyone knows any good books on this subject, please let me know. Or even bad books.