Self esteem at an all time low. Long, sorry

[Poley]

Ive suffered with depression on and off for the past 5-6 years but never wanted to actually admit it - Im quite taken aback even just reading that sentence. Ive muddled along but not handled relationships very well at all due to lack of self-worth and basically destroyed them with paranoia and accusations of cheating, and generally being a right cow. The root of it all is I just dont feel of much worth to anyone, and havent since a particularly abusive 2 year relationship.
A couple of years ago I went to seemy GP about this and she had me fill in the depression questionnaire - I ticked all the boxes, even the ones about thinking about suicide. I'd became blank and numb, and remember wanting to go to sleep and never wake up. She offered counselling but I chickened out because the idea of admitting how low I felt was too frightening - so muddled along again. I have been offered anti-deps but I am so scared of becoming dependant on them for life - I dont know enough about them though.
The reason I am writing about this now is that since having my 6mo dd these feelings have come back with a vengeance. Last night me and my always caring, loving dp were chatting about tv shows and who we thought was funny and who we should watch more of. He said "actually, I think that Lauren Laverne is quite attractive.." and I felt like Id been punched in the chest. The conversation tailed off and shortly after I said I was tired and was going to have an early night, and I went to bed and cried for a full hour. Well clearly this is utter madness. The background to this is that for over a year we have not had sex, and I have had what I found out to be vaginismus for a long time before that, its amazing our dd was even created. For a throwaway comment to make me that upset makes me realise that all these feelings of worthlessness and failure have manifested themselves very deeply and taken over my sanity.
Has anyone felt this low and came out the other side? How do you rebuild self esteem and rid yourself of this mental rot? Will anti-deps help me and how will I feel on them?

I just cant pretend all these things will pass anymore without serious help.

Speaking from my own experience you need to find out what started you feeling like that in the first place. How come you started to feel worthless? Try counselling. You don't have to open up all at once - you're in control. It can be very painful at the time, but feeling the way you do you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

You wouldnt believe the mental archaeological dig you made me decide to have earlier madmouse
I thought I knew roughly where the root of the problem was but it went back much farther, back to a time Id blocked out. A lot of tears but hopeful too

Hi poley. I'll give madmouse a quick virtual wave as both of us probably have a fair amount in common.

I had been struggling along as best I could (only a few 'telltale' problems, very similar to yours funnily enough! Ouch my poor long suffering lady parts!) and only dh knew the deep dark secrets I was (trying) to live with everyday. No self esteem or self worth - I mean none. If I had had a catchphrase back then (and for most of my life) it would have been 'I'm sorry'

I had a fairly massive breakdown (couldn't eat, sleep, laughing and crying at the same time, couldn't stop, some fairly desperate posts on here as I remember) but I decided to put myself back together. Went to the GP, wailed at him and told him straight that I could not live like this and did not want to anymore. He was lovely and got me the help I needed. My anxiety was a huge problem plus I had complex PTSD to some degree so they gave me beta blockers (anti anxiety drugs that stop your body reacting to adrenaline) and I had visits from the mental health team short term, one block of counselling and one block of psychotherapy (lasting about a year almost put together).
I asked for further help a few months after this and my GP put me on fluoxetine (prozac) which I was happy to do.
This is one year ago - I've had to look at lots of scary, upsetting stuff in counselling, and it has been bloody hard work. But worth it. For the first time in my life, I really like myself. And - I did 'it' with dh and it didn't hurt at all! (for about the first time in 8 years!)
I don't really have any side effects from the tablets, they work for me. I am not on anything 'habit forming' and to be honest I could not care less if I did need them for the rest of my life. It is possible for me that this might happen - very early abuse and neglect can affect the way the brain develops and the way it functions for life - and if I need medication to counteract this - so be it.
Do look at different kinds of medication if you want to - don't be horrified by scare stories - people can react so differently. Doctors are much more likely these days to discuss the options of medication with you and encourage you to use another way to get better as well - talking therapies is a great one. (funnily enough, as soon as I started counselling, the migraines and IBS that had plagued me for years, literally just faded away!) Exercise and diet are other good things to look at, and limiting your caffeine intake and cutting out alcohol completely could really help it that applies for you.

Sorry about the huge epic reply, but I so recognise what I have been through in your experience - you are not alone and you certainly do not have to go through this alone - and although it's shit when you are at rock bottom, as you are now, it can and will get better, and one day you will be smiling again (I'm feeling soppy today!)

Pm me if you need to XXXXXX

Oops Poley sorry bout that I hope it leads to good things. Manic and I do have stuff in common - I didn't want to frighten you with my background which is that things never added up in my life, I never believed in myself and considered myself inherently worthless, had an eating disorder and lots of issues. Then during a spectacularly traumatic labour and postnatal period with ds the doors to the past opened and memories of really bad sexual abuse came back. I have had to work really hard to deal with PTSD caused by both the birth and the abuse but it has been so rewarding in so many ways. After a recent fairly short but intensive course of therapy with a very experienced psychologist I have started to value myself for the first time ever - finally angry with my abuser and inflicting a newly woken up assertiveness on my poor husband!

I'm not at all suggesting that you've necessarily been abused although it sounds like something nasty has happened, but these things often go back much further than you realise.

Feel free to PM me too.

Manic hope you're doing ok xx

Hello manic and madmouse thankyou for your replies, im so sorry to hear what you have both been through but its great to know how well you are both doing now.
The pivotal experience in my life is an affair I had with a married man when I was far, far too young to know the seriousness of what I was doing. I was a naive 17yr old and he was a repeat adulterer much older than me. I think I'd blocked it out because it was a secret from my parents and most of my friends, and I felt so much shame and disgust at the secrecy and lies I told so that I could see him and no one would know. It was all about sex and I thought he loved me. Inevitably, he found other women and told me that he wanted to have a relationship he didnt have to keep a secret - I was devastated and tried to prove I was better than any other woman he met - but of course I was just a teenager and these were all adult women with so much more to offer. I was a very lonely girl for a long time after that that just couldnt relate to boys/men my age. I was his dirty little secret and because of that I never trusted any man afterwards, I was always afraid that I was never enough and deserved to be treated badly, and that there would always be another woman out there with more to offer than me. I think I have subconsciously stopped myself from having sex to prove that my partner loves me without it, and that it isnt the only reason he wants to be with me. Now that I am feeling a low sense of body confidence after pregnancy I now panic that all I ever had to offer a man is now gone. Im really shutting my partner out now.
I feel like a stupid little girl all over again writing all of this down and incredibly ashamed. If my daughter got herself into a situation like that I would be so upset and desperate to know why she felt she needed to.
All of this feels terribly trite compared to what you have both been through and Im so sorry if I have offended. With the impact this has had on my life it does feel like some sort of abuse Ive put myself through which has led to umpteen emotional issues. The rumblings that something really needed to be addressed in my life happened after the birth of my daughter too, I had a traumatic birth and was very ill afterwards. How do traumas dig up other traumas??
I am hopeful that if you both can get over this then I can too. I am going to gear myself up to ask for counselling.
Thankyou manic I will pm if I get stuck. xxxx

...I almost sat and told my dp exactly how Ive been feeling but when trying to explain all I came out with was "Im becoming just like my mother"..
This is another pandoras box I did not expect :(

What you have written there is not trite in any form at all. In fact I would say that he has abused you, if not sexually then mentally by making you feel you were not enough and taking other women. You were too young to know what you were doing and he knew that perfectly well.

I ended up in a ''''relationship''''' with a married man when I was 19. He made out to be a lovely protective friend and took it from there. I never stopped him and because of that I blamed myself, after all I was over 18. It was my dh and friends who helped me see that the relationship was abusive as he took advantage of my vulnerability (having previously been abused). He has damaged me badly and my husband and my real male protective friend have had to walk on eggshells because of it.

This man did serious wrong by you and played games with you. No wonder your self-esteem and belief has suffered. Time for some good counselling/therapy to find yourself again.

Cos you're worth it