Too Tired to Fight This

[wanttomoveone]

I know I'm slipping towards depression - or I may be there already. The thought terrifies me. I'm exhausted already and the thought of having to fight this makes me want to disappear. Not in a suicidal sense but in a 'I just want to be able to stop fighting this' sense. I know it's an illness and I've made an appointment to see the doctor (after feeling increasingly like this since around November I guess) but I just don't know if I have the emotional and physical energy to take this on.

I am just so tired all the time - getting out of bed is a huge struggle and getting dressed feels like an achievement. I haven't left the house since Friday night (single & no kids so don't worry for them). I'm not working at the moment (freelance) & the thought of getting a job feels me with horror as I'll have to hide this part of myself every single day. And I don't know how I will. But I need a job as I have enormous money worries. But by the same token, I know this is the illness speaking. I just want to hide and withdraw. But rationally I know this is a bad thing to do - I just don't know how to get past it because the anxiety is hideous - and feeling in a constant state of agitation only adds to the exhaustion.

Can someone reassure me that I can make this go away (with help) and that it is worth going down the recovery road? And that it's the illness speaking when all I hear in my mind is 'What's the point, you'll only be back here again in a few years'.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness. It's taken weeks for me to pluck up the courage to write this so it may not be massively coherent. And writing this makes it real - something I'm not comfortable with...

want I can assure you that you can get through this. I felt the same. I got help and now im on the road to recovery. It's not an easy fight and I felt I didn't have the energy too but you can get through it. I'm not in a healthy state, have a supportive partner and now have a job too. I promise you can get through it. Always here if you want to talk. You CAN do this! X

Thank you for replying Saz and for your kind words.

I know rationally that you're right but the irrational (ill) part of my brain feels totally overwhelmed - like it's all such hard work and pointless.

I am trying - and just about managing - to keep a grip on life. I've done laundry today which on the one hand feels like an achievement. But on the other I feel pathetic that something so mundane is an achievement. And I've been forcing myself to exercise, even if it's for just for 30 mins a day. And sometimes - just for those brief minutes - it doesn't all feel so hopeless. But I can't exercise all day every day!

The constant struggle between ill / well / irrational / rational is just exhausting, isn't it. But I know you're right and I can do it. Thanks again.

Hi - yes in answer to your questions. This is absolutely the illness talking and yes its worth going down the route to recovery.
You are doing all the right things - just try not to be too hard on yourself at the moment re how much you can achieve in one day.

I know it can feel like you are trying to walk with cement in your shoes - so everything feels impossibly difficult.

Try and do a basic list for each day to give yourself a bit of structure and include some exercise/walk. But things wont be like this forever so give yourself some slack.

Good luck for your appointment.

You absolutely can and will feel better. I speak from experience! Get to your gp and get the right ADS-you also need plenty of rest and perhaps a change of scenery, a night away or a blustery walk up a beach?. Also dont focus on not having the energy to 'fight' it-you dont need to fight it-this can in fact exhaust you and make you feel worse-accept the fact you arent feeling well at the minute as you would if you had the flu and focus rather on getting better not firing up your probably already stressed adrenalin by 'fighting' iyswim. An excellent book for you would be dr clare weekes self help for your nerves (amazon). Stay positive rest plenty and most importantly have faith in yourself you are on the way to recovery!. Best wishes.

Thank you. I know rationally you are right. Just need to convince myself emotionally. Especially as I don't feel ill - just exhausted, empty and flat with no joy for now or the future.

I've just come back from a run which makes me feel better during it but same old same old when it's over. And I think 'I can't be depressed if I'm managing to go running, so I should just pull myself together and shrug it off'. But I can't.

Thank you for the book reference. I'll definitely look it up. And I'll force myself to keep the doctors appointment tomorrow. Don't know what I want from it because a part of me doesn't want to take AD's. There's no reason for this other than fear. What if they make me more depressed anxious? I know millions of people take them successfully - why is it always the horror stories that stick in the mind?!

Thank you for listening - I've not told anyone in RL about this. I feel too embarrassed. And one of my closest friends doesn't really believe in depression, which makes telling her hard.

Yes want it is a battle and I know what u mean even getting out if bed felt like an achievement. Let. Me know how your appointment goes. Always here to support you.

You have nothing to fear with the correct ADs-I love mine and dont want to come off them. You will find a lot of your negativity around medication is the depression talking when I was ill I mistrusted everything and everyone. Good luck with the doctors-onwards and upwards!.

So, I went to the doctors. Cried. Of course! But managed to keep it together and fortunately, I saw one of the nicest ones in the practice and he was lovely. Not condescending, didn't rush me and laughed / was sympathetic in the right places.

He's going to organise counselling which he says comes through in weeks rather than months. He also prescribed Sertraline. Which terrifies me.

Said I could start off on 25mg if I want. But the whole 'may have suicidal tendencies' side effect is horrifying. As is the potential weight gain that I've read about via Doctor Google (I appreciate this may seem shallow but I lost 4 stone 3 years ago and work bloody hard at keeping it off. Putting it back on would depress me...!). Let alone the nausea, dizziness and general 'you'll feel terrible for a couple of weeks'.

Anyone have any experience of this particular AD? Thank you.

Hi, first time messaging here, so please bear with me :)
Im currently suffering with anxiety/depression - started around the new year - and have been taking sertraline for two and a half years! (had depression in 2009) My GP increased the dose about 5 days ago to 150mg (max dose is 200mg) it terrified me but I have had no symptoms since increasing, thank goodness.

They do say that it may get worse before it gets better, because of the side effects. I, didnt put on any weight. but did have a few side effects, such as tiredness - which was hell and i was exhausted as it was! and Im not sure whether my anxiety/depression increased, all I know is that it was a good two weeks before I saw a good improvement.

You are doing absolutely fantastic, you KNOW what things to do, it seems to me, that (very much like me) you like/want/need reassurance that the things you are doing will help.

Ive been doing some online CBT via mood gym (google it, its very good, you kind of sit there thinking, 'oh yeah!

From personal experience, and this is one bit I find incredibly hard to do when Im feeling like this, is to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE EVERYDAY!

The fact you are out running is fab! Go you! keep doing it, if you dont feel like it, take a brisk walk instead.

Are you eating? I didnt at first, and had to force food into me, even if was a few spoonfuls, but I chose the right food, bananas, porride, bowl of veg etc - and when I physically couldnt eat I would buy ready made slim/fast or similar.

Ive just read a good book, called overcoming anxiety (sorry cant think of author off hand) but its been my bible, really made a lot of sense.

I really hope you make a speedy recovery,

Thank you xxHelenxx. Very reassuring.

I know what you mean about forcing yourself out of the house - I find it so difficult some days but I know it'll make me feel a bit better - even briefly - if I do. I literally have to kick my arse out of the door and it often doesn't happen till 3 or 4 o'clock. And it may only be for an hour but at least I'm out and exercising. Small steps eh? Can't believe I might be even more exhausted - oh for a good nights sleep! What do people do when the 3am insomnia hits?

Great tip re Mood Gym - I'll look it up. And thanks for the comments on the AD's. Guess I just have to bite the bullet and go for it. Do you take them in the morning or evening?

And food - I do eat but I am quite controlled about it. I do eat well though - porridge, lots of home made soups, lean mean, low fat, low carb (but not 'no carb'). Scared my appetite will go bonkers on AD's though...

And thanks for the book reference too.

It's really helpful posting here - I haven't told anyone in RL. Massive luck with your progress too.

I take my AD's at night, I actually had extremely bad anxiety about 8 years ago (no depression thought) and was prescribed Citalopram, they made me tired, so was advised to take them at night. I never suffered depression AND anxiety until 3 months after my youngest was born, so my GP swapped me from citalopram to Sertraline.
Everything I read up on (Damn google, you can be very much informed yet totally mis-guided at the same time!) suggests that positive thinking, and switching any negative thinking into positive ones is very much the way forward. If you get bad thoughts, talk yourself through them, break them down and find an 'excuse' to switch them to a positive thought or outcome. Really difficult to explain, but the moodgym is great at explaining!

I felt totally ashamed and scared when I was prescribed the AD, but I was so desperate to get better I took them, and you would be amazed at the amount of people who do take them. It certainly is nothing to be ashamed of, I was silly to think it was :)

I tend to feel better in the evenings, go to bed thinking, great, Im going to wake up feeling better, and then when I wake up its hits me hard! As the day gets on it gets easier. Maybe thats why you find it easier to get out later in the day too?

Give mood Gym a go, even if you manage to take little snippets of advice

I'm definitely going to give the online CBT a go - I think I understand the pricipals. Just need to put them into practise.

And that morning / night thing - I hadn't realised until you said that but I do have that pattern. I might start keeping a 'mood' diary to see if there's any other peaks and troughs. Blimey, hadn't seen that before but I totally feel worse in the morning. Wonder if there's any medical reason for that.

The secrecy and feelings of shame are strange - I would be (and have been) totally sympathetic of a friend dealing with depression and taking AD's but somehow, it's ok for them but not for me! I'm better than that! I don't feel that really but you know what I mean? I'm strong! I can cope! Depression is weakness, right?! (only for me - not for others).

Thank you again.

Well, today was not a good day.

Woke up early at 7am & was really pleased - I'd slept all night - got up, did some washing up / breakfast / laundry away. All good. But then I sat down and was just overwhelmed by it all. Have felt shit all day since. Exhausted, weepy (haven't been crying), lost, scared about money, worthless, self indulgent. Etc Etc.

But I did manage to get dressed at 4pm and go for a run. I was going to swim but that meant interacting with other people - a run was a compromise. I was out of the house, getting air and exercise but didn't have to speak to anyone. Don't know if that's good or bad. I am desperate for a friend / mum to call me so I can tell them but I can't bring myself to call them. Feels too needy.

Still, on a positive note, at least I left the house.

Sorry - I'm waffling.