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I'm sorry to start this thread here but i don't know where else to put it.....advice on explaining suicide to children?

18 replies

PaperView · 12/02/2012 17:17

BIL was found at his flat last week. circumstances are not good.

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Arcadia · 12/02/2012 17:47

This website www.winstonswish.org.uk has the information that you need. HTH.

Arcadia · 12/02/2012 17:51

Sorry meant to do that as a link - hope you can find it on the website.

PaperView · 12/02/2012 18:26

thank you. i'll have a look.

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NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 12/02/2012 18:30

I have thought about this alot - for all the wrong reasons- BUT
Now I would hope that if I had suceeded my children would have been told that I was poorly. The illness overcame me. In the same as any other illness causing someone to die.

I am sorry for your loss.

PaperView · 12/02/2012 18:44

There wasn't a known illness. its out of the blu

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PaperView · 12/02/2012 18:44

*blue

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NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 12/02/2012 18:52

the thing is he wasn't mentally sound or well to go through with it. so it isn't a lie.
Just because it wasn't known doesn't mean it wasn't there.

You could even then do the "we didnt reaise how poorly he was"

ohmygosh123 · 12/02/2012 19:14

I don't know how old the children are, as it makes a difference. I was told to answer each question factually and keep it short. My DD's wonderful godfather committed suicide, unexpectedly due to a sudden and tragic change in circumstances, and I had to explain to a 20mth old that he was dead - he was with us on holiday only 6 days before. I chose not to explain the suicide at that point, instead I said he was dead, I explained why; why couldn't the ambulance help / why didn't the doctors make him better, again I explained very briefly. But I answered each question honestly, even if it was a very brief response and deliberately left out the word "suicide". (I said he fell off a cliff). We were soon on to where he had gone ..... he was an atheist! I told her I didn't know, but I liked to think he had a surprise and was in heaven. Where's heaven, I don't know but I like to think it is in the stars.

Post explanation I never spoke about it to her unless she asked. But I did talk about him when appropriate - eg toys or books he had given her. She did however have a good grip on the idea that death is sad - eg she saw a dead bird, she told my mother that it was dead, it is sad when someone dies. X died and I loved him very much. Some adults thought it was very inappropriate that she was saying this aged 2 -3, I think because of the stigma of suicide. I gather though it is quite normal and healthy and it didn't worry me as she was only saying things in appropriate contexts and very infrequently.

We have since talked about it (aged 4 / 5) and it is a difficult thing to explain. It is though easier to talk about it a few months or years later, as your own emotions are less raw. I told her that you don't want to die, but you want to escape the problems / feelings which are so overwhelming you can't see a choice. He thought he was doing the right thing, even if really he wasn't. I also told her that there are people who help people who feel like that, and if you ever feel sad you should talk to someone as there is always someone who cares.

Winston's Wish is great - there is also another charity which specialises in bereaved parents in the South of England which is very helpful.

Hugs & sympathy.

pchick · 12/02/2012 19:18

Childline also has a section on suicide.

Sorry about your loss.

ohmygosh123 · 12/02/2012 20:59

Neverknowingly, it can be completely out of the blue - a big shock can suddenly push someone from happy and normal to suicidal in a very short space of time, in which you only find out after the event. You can also decide suicide is the better of two evils. It all depends on the person and the circumstances, which the OP is rightly keeping private. There but for the grace of God go I and all that ........ OP try calling a helpline - they are truly wonderful people who man those lines (we did it on behalf of the father, but they cared about us and how we were coping too.) They can give more help than I or anyone on here can.

PaperView · 13/02/2012 11:03

The DCs are 8,6 and 3. DS2 has ASD. They have had such a lot to deal with recently - DH and i split up in Oct and are getting divorced.. He has chosen to say that he had an illness that he didn't know about and died in his sleep. I have to respect what he has told them. And it is kind of true - i don't want the details here because the last thread i gave details on was ripped apart. I also don't want them to be told it was depression, firstly because it wasn't and secondly because i have major depressive disorder and they understand it as i need help from the doctor to be as happy as i should be.

Thanks for your help, i'll look at childline too. x

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cestlavielife · 13/02/2012 16:22

also
www.uk-sobs.org.uk/other_agencies.htm

reassure your Dc that you ar e getting the help you need for your illness

ohmygosh123 · 14/02/2012 14:39

Seriously, ring up Winston's Wish - they will be helpful - another helpline would be the Samaritans. Talking it through with someone who is on your side and won't be pulling apart what you say will probably help you. Suicide leaves awful aftermaths for everyone and it takes time for things to settle down - keeping it short and sweet now is a good plan. You can always have a talk in a few years. My only advice is to make sure that things aren't said in their hearing that they take on board, and misinterpret without telling you. Sometimes the person becomes a taboo subject - then someone suddenly says, and "I'd like to remember X who committed suicide" as part of their wedding speech. Fortunately as he used X's full name, and not the nickname we called him, it passed my DD by. Or they say something critical because they are angry at what they did - and the kids can't work out why, given the information they've been given wasn't the truth.

FWIW I think your explanation of depression is a good one.

By the way my DD didn't completely get that death wasn't permanent - so came out 3mths ago with "I wish I was dead" - cue shock horror - and fortunately we were alone - turns out she thought if she died she could go and see X again, and still come back after her little trip to heaven!

PaperView · 14/02/2012 21:58

OMG123 - DS2 has already said that.

I have been asked not to go to the funeral and have asked ExH that the boys not be there without me and i will do something different with them at the time of the service so that they can say goodbye in an age appropriate way and i also get to pay my respects. ExH will be a coffin bearer and wanted DS1 there.

I feel like i can't go back on what ExH has told them and i am trying to do the right thing by everyone all the while being told who i can tell and what to tell them and how to feel etc. so bloody hard.

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PaperView · 14/02/2012 22:00

Just to add, i am also trying to get in with my DR to up my meds because i know i am heading for break point - again.

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ohmygosh123 · 15/02/2012 11:49

If he won't tell them the truth (in a censored way obviously!) then if they go the the funeral then they will pick up on something. Having been to one of those, it was not the place for a child. The wake afterwards would have been fine, because it was a celebration of life - but at the funeral itself, even a rock could have worked out that something had gone badly wrong. Shame your ExH didn't come out with something more sensible, but it was his choice, and he shouldn't expose your son to a funeral in which what happened will be brought up by someone. Especially when your son will not have his father standing next to him.

Can I suggest something like balloons and sending a goodbye message. Also having something specific to remind them of him when they feel sad if they were very close.

Please please try talking to someone, otherwise it rolls round your head like a thunderstorm, and clarifyin your thoughts can help. Its really horrible, and until you've been there, its difficult to explain how much it can knock you for six. I can't even imagine what it must feel like if it is your son or daughter.

PaperView · 15/02/2012 16:17

I'm going to a spot with them that is local (i don't drive) and BIL has been to a few times and they are going to let off balloons with a note on. Going to try and focus on happy memories we have of him.

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