I can't take dhs depression anymore I feel scared for the future

[Mrswhiskerson]

I have posted about dhs depression before normally in aibu I didn't know there was a mental health section,

dh has had depression on and off for most of his life, his childhood was horrendous and he is seeking counselling which never seems to come.

Thng is I can't take it anymore this latest episode has lasted two years now
when he is down he is snappy paranoid and sits all day doing nothing apart from ds basic care, he was signed off work due to depression and I is now a sahd unfortunately in every sense as he never ever wants to go out and in fairness we have no money whatsoever so there isn't much to go out for.

He dwells on incidents that happened ages ago gets angry about it then We argue he tells me to fuck off or stop being a dick, if I argue back something gets thrown or kicked (objects never me or ds)
then when we have made up he will cry say he doesn't know what is wrong with him he wishes he could get better and his negative thoughts are out of control.
On good days he is the happy loving amazing man I fell in love with. Thing is I am starting to hate the good times because I am waiting for the next thing (could be big or small) to send him spiralling down again.
At Christmas his parents wound him up and he punched our bathroom wall so hard he has permanently damaged his hand.
The most recent thing is he has been rejected for ESA and just when things looked a little better off he goes again mr angry and then slumped on the couch hiding under the duvet leaving me to look after ds and do everything around the house ,
I am the only one who works and my hours have been cut so with that and the ESA stopping we have barely any money at all and it's up to me to sort it which would be fine if I had support at home but I am constanly walking on eggshells around him trying to keep him happy .
Sorry this is so long I just don't want to drip feed ,
I feel like I want to run far far away , it's like I have been tricked I meet a wonderful man my soulmate I marry him and end up with a selfish self indulgent boy . I had a very traumatic childhood myself and I just want peace I don't want to live in fear and anxiety anymore but I do want to hel dh get better , things were so perfect before it's like it's my own fault for finally thinking I could be happy and have a normal life
sorry for the long rant really needeD to get it out. I just don't know what to do.

Can't write much now but am in similar position so I sympathise. I'm sorry you are going through this. DPs depression has triggered mine and I am at my wits end. Will pop back later.

Didn't want to read and run. DH has long-term mental health problems.

This is an absolutely crap situation. I am going to post as if you are still able to get in there and support your dh, but tbh if he is refusing to do anything to make things better, you are stuck. There IS hope, there is always hope, but it is utterly draining living with a depressive. The person you fell in love with is still there, I promise you, but I can't promise you that you will see him again any time soon, and the only people who would blame you for not being able to bear it are the ones who have never experienced this. TBH there are days when I congratulate myself for every hour I stay married (not that I'm an angel myself).

Contact Rethink for you, they can really help. Do you have family support, friends? Is your dh OK with you telling people about his illness? It's really hard if they want it to stay secret, I would say it's pretty essential for you to talk, though it's fair if he asks you to choose carefully who you talk to.

Is he on meds at the moment? It sounds as if he could do with some just now, even if he is trying to stay off them. Call his GP and talk to them - they shouldn't give you information, but they certainly should allow you to give them informatoin.

DH appealed against the ESA stopping and though ASOS dragged it out as much as possible, giving him and us an absolutely shit six months, as soon as the appeal panel saw the paperwork, they reinstated him - dh never even had to go to the hearing, which he was actually a bit pissed off about in the end as he had spent months building up to it! I was relieved though. Ask your GP if there is any specific support for your dh for the appeals process from e.g. a disability adviser at the Job Centre?

If his parents make things worse (not necessarily their fault at this stage, whatever happened in the past) what about just going to phone calls only for a while. You could explain to them that your dh needs to stay very calm at the mo and build structure into his life. Or you could not tell them much but just always be not well, or too busy, to see them for a while. depends how you think they would react. Stay in touch if you can though. After a dire Christmas we have decided not to see relatives at that time next year. I wish we could, as I love Christmas. Them's the breaks.

The things that help dh most are exercise (whatever he can, even if it's only to the end of the road, but around 2 hours a day is best of all) and meditation. Routine, sleep, structure all help too. hth.

Go to gp yourself and tell the stress you under
Ask ss for a carers assessment see what services are available locally
Is he under mental health team ? Ask them for support eg somewhere he could go to get out the house.
Ask for extra help with ds maybe crèche or childminder?
Can you leave ds with him ?
Call rethink and mind locally see what is available locally
You need to talk to someone in rl get rl support

You poor, poor dear. I wish I could put my arms around you and cuddle you. Anyone living with a depressive suffers just as much as the "patient" does. Not only do you have the worry of working (and appearing OK to work colleagues) but the worry of protecting your son from the impact of his father's low mood. You have the worry of making ends meet with so little money and being the "public face" of the family to the outside world. You are probably the one who has to explain if he wont answer the phone, doesn't want to see people, go out with friends, etc. It is so, so lonely. It's true you have temporarily lost the man you married. You say he is back sometimes but I identify with your feelings - that the better times are spoiled by dreading the bad times coming back again. I lived like this for 25 years. I chose to stay, except for one year when I rented a flat nearby when my children were old enough for me to come and go. I felt so guilty at the sense of relief when I could shut my own front door but it came flooding over me. I returned home, with the situation still the same. The pull of caring for someone and a shared history and parenthood are very strong. I didn't ever find any services that fitted with what we needed or my husband would accept. One trick I used to use was to fantasize that I had walked out - just gone. I would pretend I had enough money to last for a short while and plan where I would go and how it would feel. I got really good at this and fell asleep many nights planning my virtual escape. As you can guess, I am a lot older than you. My husband was ill with depression on and off for 25 years. (Don't panic this length of illness is very rare indeed). Now it seems to have burned itself out and I have the man I married back. There is always hope. You will keep struggling on until/if the time comes when you can't do it any more. If that time does come you'll find the strength to, perhaps, move out with your son. But that doesn't mean the end of your relationship - not if you don't want it to be. People will keep telling you "You should do this - or that". Only you know how things are for you and what will keep you going. Listen to everyone, then make up your own mind.
Much love.

I also empathise with what you are going through. dh has had depression on and off for 18 years - he is going through a rough patch at the moment and I know just what you mean by not having the man you married around. I survive by shutting myself off from it and him in a way which is destructive in its own way but it is my only way of getting through. Recently I've thought often about how much easier it would be with just me and the dds - but I do still really love him.

I went to counselling a couple of years ago which really helped at the time and I thinkI need to go back - I would recommend it to anyone who is a carer of someone with depression.

My dh is very good a presenting a public face - and although a lot of our friends know he has depression most don't know how bad it is.

Just before christmas I was terrified everytime he went to work in London that he would jump in front of a train. He says he won't do anything but he has been so ill.

Sorry - this was meant to be a supportive message but it is really good to off load.

Wow gillyflowers and sundew you have both put into words literally exactly how I feel , people keep telling me I have lost my sparkle but now I just can't put on a happy face anymore .
We had bit of a breakthrough re dhs childhood and I think webhave found the root of it , now we just need to find a way to deal with it.

I have found the key to coping with dh's depression to be to create a decent life for myself around it. I've from the beginning (he was depressed when we met) had a 'just because you're depressed doesn't mean I'm depressed' attitude and I've also always had certain expectations of him. I've never been his carer and have always expected him to be my husband. It worked well until his latest and particularly had bout coincided with me having severe PTSD. He spent all his energy being a happy daddy for ds (did a great job there) and had nothing left for me. I did what I could to keep things together and leaned on some fantastic friends. Thankfully it meant dh realised he needed to get his arse in gear and he accepted ADs and started the therapy I had been nagging him about for 12 years....soooooo I've never seen him this well. All the toxic childhood stuff is out and we're moving forward.

Long winded waffel I'm sorry - guess my main message is stay true to yourself; talk to friends about how it makes you feel, go out, see other people and smile at what normally makes you smile - oh and don't shoulder everything. A depressed mum will still find the strength to keep things together. A depressed dad can switch on the dishwasher and put away the washing. It costs effort, but he can do it.

sundew feel free to offload on here it is good to know you are not the only one going through it sometimes you can feel all alone in the world because in my experience people think a person with depression can just get over it or they say what do they have to be depressed about but it doesn't work like that and that attitude doesn't help either parties .

I know what you are going through and yourself and other posters on this thread know how I feel too if you ever want to vent I'm here.

I also know the awful anxious feeling that one day you might lose the person you love most to suicide, my dh has come close and when he has a bad day I think I might come home to find him hanging . Not many people understand how that feels but I do and I am sure other posters do too.
Take care of yourself x

Dh has been to see the dr and he thinks he has bi polar and has referred him to a psyciatrist so we seem to finally be getting somewhere thank god.
The dr has also given him a letter supporting his claim he said dh absolutely cannot work until he is better.

hi madmouse and mreswhiskerson - good to talk on here. Having a few days away without dh at my parents. sounds like things are starting to move in the right direction. sometimes even simple things can make a huge difference to how you both feel.

I need to find someone in rl to offload onto. I used to vent at work but a new colleague knows dh from the pub so I watch what I say now which is frustrating. All my close friends are also friends of dh and it doesn't seem right to say what I really feel.

Must come on here more.

Hi Mrswhiskerson, Sundew and Madmouse - It's fantastic that you've all realised the value of sharing your feelings. No one - but no-one -who hasn't lived with a depressed person can begin to know what it's like, particularly when that depression is chronic. It's so easy to feel that there must be something that you can do to help, but with an illness like this I don't believe there is. You just have to try and find ways to keep your own head above water and keep things as normal as possible for the children. You are such brave, strong women.
Love to you all x