Am I depressed or just a lazy bitch

[mamjo]

Hi,
I have been diagnosed 3 times in the last 10 years with depression and anxiety which have caused quite serious agoraphobia in the past. On each of these occasions I have been in employment and have had extended periods of sickness. The stress caused by the thoughts of returning to work has been crippling and everytime I have had to eventually hand in my notice. On each occasion I have felt almost totally better inside a week, recovered my ability to go out, contacted friends, got on with my life. Then after about a month I am so well that I think I can work again. I am only ever back in employment for about 6 months before I once again start to go under. (I can usually battle on for another 6-12 months before losing it)
The only truly happy time for a sustained
period was the year maternity leave I had at home with DD. I have now been back 6 months and following a week absence because of a broken foot I am in absolute panic again about returning.
So do I have some ridiculously low tolerance to stress, am I more susceptible to anxiety than normal people, or am I just a lazy bitch. Either way. What do I do?

Being a lazy bitch would not cause you to have the feelings of panic you describe.

I think you need some counselling to get to the root of what is causing you anxiety and work on some coping strategies so you don't keep going round and round in circles.

I sympathise, I'm not good with stress and feel like I'm losing the flippin plot at the moment.

No expert here, but had a friend with similar issues, though she lasted 18 months to 2 years each time. Q: Is it about the type of job you are doing, or the fact that working with anyone/ facing people every day is stressful? For her it was about the fact that she had high ambitions, was a bit of an adrenaline junkie, but when the adrenaline wore off, she really didn't have the organisational abilities to sustain what she had started. When she found a much less stressful job then she was worse off financially but maintained it longer and had time and energy for more of a life outside work too.

You say that you were content during maternity leave, which suggests that you are not lazy - that first year is bl*y hard work - but that you haven't found the job that suits you yet. Keep on looking, and keep on looking after yourself in the meantime.

Find a different job and maybe part time hours?

Thanks, I have seen 4 different councillors in the past and no one can help me identify why I have these feelings.
I am such a gregarious outgoing person when I don't work.

I have battled with a similar cycle of work-related pressure for years and years. The only way I have been able to overcome this and lead a reasonably happy, stable life is to work part-time hours and not to long a days. At the moment I work Mon, Wed, Thu 9-3. I never have more than two days in a row at work, my working day is short and I get a long weekend. It massively helps my depressive feelings / anxiety.

Is this a possibility for you?

work-related depression, I meant to say

not too long

I would love to try working part time in a job with less responsibility but couldn't afford the childcare if I was to take one of those jobs.

Even if I could find one of those jobs, v jealous of your hours

Do you have fear of failure? Thoughts of inadequacy? Fear that you will be 'found out'?

Yes madhouse. I often have those feelings but only after I start to "go under" I'm the beginning I very confident in my abilities.

Could that be because most jobs have a 'honeymoon period'? Where everyone likes everyone and everything goes well without trying too hard?

Quite possibly mad mouse, I just seem to start focusing on what I haven't done (usually admin) and can't see how much I have achieved. I am often singled out for praise and know that since I returned following maternity most of the staff under me are much happier. Some have even withdrawn their resignations. Still all I can think about is that I haven't typed up the 1-2-1s and that just snowballs into total self doubt, then I make mistakes and I blow them out of all proportion, then I stop making decisions, etc etc sorry to waffle

So you have a very clear idea of what happens - it seems to be that some good CBT can really help you with the way you think in these situations.

Thanks again madmouse you are probably right but I have seen so many unhelpful counsellors in the past that I stopped believing they could help. In its rawest form I suppose the stress comes from a fear of getting into "Trouble" which is irrational.

Is there a background to this fear of getting into trouble? Anything in your childhood - were you made to feel not good enough? That seems the most likely place to look tbh, that or a very nasty experience later on.

No madmouse, this is where we always get stuck in counselling, I had a very happy normal childhood. Married parents, never hit, never really disciplined at all, I have always just had a fear of letting people down and so never did anything to get into trouble.

It doesn't have to be a matter of being hit or disciplined. Sometimes it's as subtle as feeling that your parents would be happier if you did that bit better at school.

But I appreciate that you have been over this with many counsellors, and I'm no professional. It's just that my own rather long and deep counselling journey has taught me that these things usually do root in childhood.

Thanks madmouse, I appreciate that you have taken the time to respond and you have allowed me to think about things a little clearer. I realise that it also requires lots of things to be misaligned in my private life. They have always come a few weeks after a family illness or bereavement or something else. On this occasion I have lost 2 friends and my nana in the last 5 months. I have also been diagnosed with (after emergency hospitalisation) asthma and last week broke my leg.
However everyone's life's are full of these events but most people cope and can maintain their mental health. Am I just using all these things as an excuse to have a "meltdown" so that I can not work?

If you were using it as an excuse would you worry about it? I think not. Would you be distressed? Think not!

And for what it's worth you will find that you know very little of what goes on behind people's masks - all these people who you think are coping so easily - it's not true. You will find that very few people can see on the outside that you're not coping inside.