Anyone else just feel completely alone?

[LivingDead]

I am in a relationship, we have 3 children, been together 10 years, but we don't actually talk about anything.

My parents are both dead, have sisters although the one I am actually closest to has a personality disorder (actually diagnosed by a psychiatrist) and is an alcoholic, the two "normal" sisters are very close and go on holiday together etc, they do tend to exclude me, they visit very rarely, but I am very much other to them. Other sister I haven't actually seen or spoken to for 6 years.

I moved down south when I was pg with dc1, dp was adamant that he could not move up north because he was so close to family and friends yada yada. So years on we have our own house with children etc, he barely ever contacts his mother, never contacts friends .

I am so miserable, never managed to establish myself here really, I did try with baby groups and school gate and what not, but I just feel so different and isolated. I try to talk to dp but all I get is the silent treatment, if I bring up any concerns or worries, he just clams up and stares into space.

If I do push him to talk to me he generally gets defensive and starts blaming me or attacking me (not literally).

I don't know what to do really, I'm just so lonely, dp and I are basically on the verge of splitting up, I told him that I wanted to move up north, he did his staring into space thing, then when I asked him what he thought, started it off with "I don't want to blame you, but...." at which point I told him to feck off and went to bed. He hasn't spoken to me all day, apart from to ask me if I want a cup of tea, which is basically his code for, I want to ignore everything you say and for everything to go back to normal.

I don't know if I have the strength to be a single parent, I'm sure nobody will read this but it feels better to write it down.

I've read this. And I'm not lonely, but I was very very lonely indeed.
I wouldnkt recommend the route I took to get from there to here but the end result is a good thing.
You sound to me like you have some low-level depression but it sounds more to do with your circumstances than anything else.
Could you find someone like a counsellor to talk about how your feeling and help you find a direction to head towards whether that be making your husband sit up and take notice or finding the courage and strength to go it alone?
Either way something has to change xx

Thank you Frida, I don't think I would be good at counselling tbh, I'm fairly crap at articulating my feelings, especially to strangers. I probably am depressed a bit, tried citalopram which did nothing tbh, my Dr is fairly dismissive really, find it hard to talk to him, so I stopped the citalopram, should probably go back and get a different one.

I just don't know what to do, keep on keeping on with dp, just keep burying my feelings and keeping a low profile. Or making a break and trying to actually live life, I'm not sure I can do it, or just fecking jumping in front of a bus, my poor children, what on earth do they have for a mother.

If you don't like your doctor then talk to another one. If you don't like counselling because of talking about feelings then perhaps try something like CBT which is much more about changing your thought patterns rather than looking at the why's and wherefore's of your feelings.
Anti-deppressants vary greatly and what will work for one person won't work for another, so some experimentation could be needed before you find what works for you.
Research has shown that counselling and anti-d's is the most effective way of dealing with depression but to me it does sound like if you could just change something in your life, whatever little detail that might be, then you"d find it all a lot more enjoyable.

Well yes if you jump in front of a bus they certainly are your poor children, either because they will wonder why mum didn't care enough to stay around or because they have a badly injured mum in hospital (more likely, jumping in front of a bus is rarely fatal).

Listen, with thoughts like that it's time to get serious about getting help. Depression can make you feel more lonely than you are as it becomes perfectly clear to you that no one would want to be friends with you (just one of the many lies depression tells)

And maybe it is time you invite your partner along to Relate - make an appointment and tell him you will go with or without him but that you believe that for your relationship to continue he will need to come. Relate can also be very useful when you go on your own.

Oh, and there's no such thing as not being good at counselling. Counselling can help you explore and articulate your feelings. Heck I would know - I never even had feelings before I started therapy, but that's a whole other story...