Fears about DD

[asithappens]

I have name-changed.

DD is almost 2. She is healthy and happy. But I am in a constant state of anxiety about her. I am not actively over-protective; I don't hover ceaselessly and we do plenty of activities; I don't think this is a bad case of PFB.. no one has suggested to me that there is anything unusual or wrong with what I am doing...I don't think anyone except DH would even be aware of these feelings of mine. So I guess I am 'coping'. But I worry all the time and I just have this - bleak feeling, I guess I would say. I can't shake the fear of something happening to her.

My DH says it is normal to worry as a first-time parent. And I know this is true. He says that the world is a scary place and all we can do is do our best but that there are no guarantees. Obviously I know this is true, too. But I don't think he understands that even though I know it is irrational I can't stop this anxiety.

I was seen by a CPN for the first year of DD's life, because of a past history of depression. She discharged me when DD turned 1, and said she thought I was fine, just a bit stressed out and in need of someone to talk to. I do have a lot of stress and not much family support. But it has been almost a year and things have gotten worse and not better. I can't read the news or listen to the radio, because I find myself becoming too emotional and I have insomnia. I have frequent nightmares in which animals and babies are being hurt, or in which I have lost the baby somewhere through my negligence.

Is this "normal", does everyone feel this way and how do they manage?

Poor you. It doesn't sound "normal", no. It sounds very distressing and difficult, actually. Did talking to the cpn help you? Can you get a re-referral to the CMHT, if so?

Thank you, scummymummy (good name!).

Having the CPN was wonderful. She came around every couple of weeks and we just talked; I felt sometimes like I was just bending her ear a bit, and just using her to moan on to, IYSWIM - but it was a relief. I was so disappointed when she said she had to stop coming, but she didn't suggest that I do anything else, just seemed to think I was a bit lonely and overworked (which was true). I talked to my GP about six months ago and he wasn't that bothered, really - seemed to think I was basically OK - I really didn't want to go on meds. He gave me a prescription for Efexor, and said it was up to me if I decided to fill it or not. I haven't.

I think I will have to ask about a re-referral. I sort of thought that these feelings and thoughts aren't normal. On the other hand, I am hopingthere is something I can do to stop them, and some way to get help without people either thinking I am a terrible mother, or the opposite, just saying "oh it's perfectly natural to worry about our children."

Thank you for your reply.

Have you done any CBT? Just a suggestion. It's kind of hard work but after starting several times I keep coming back to it and finding it makes more sense each time. CBT is about changing your thought patterns, changing how perceive things. It's hard if you have been worrying for decades but not impossible.

Sorry I hope that made sense, it's late and I was just peeking at MN before bed and saw this... I can relate to some of it, especially when DD was a baby, I was always dreaming that I left her on the bus! Those dreams stopped but I do worry all the time about her future. It's hard not to. But a good idea not to read the news. I see how the news winds up DH and I tend to switch it off, too, when it's mostly so depressing.

No, you're making perfect sense, thanks marykat. I don't know much about CBT; I will do some reading up!

It doesn't sound normal, but it sounds very similar to what I experienced (I had a form of OCD and have a history of severe depression). I am finishing a course of CBT and it has been really fantastic. As Marykat says, it's hard work but the results are life changing. For me, it's about 'catching' the thought process that leads to panic/depression before I have the chance to start spiralling downwards. It sometimes helps to create an image of the negative thought and let it pass through your mind like a train in the night. Acknowledge it was there, but other than that pay no heed to it and let it go. Obviously it's can seem nigh on impossible to do that sometimes, but with the help of CBT it really can be done and it really does work.

I totally get the 'bleak feeling' you are talking about. Sometimes I might be thinking about how life is so good and I love my 2 year old son so very, very much, and then suddenly this horrible, pessimistic thought comes up that I am living in the 'before' stage and that at some point in the future something awful will happen to him and my life will be plunged into darkness. I have also ended up brooding and feeling tearful and low after reading sad stories in the news that relate to babies or young children (and yet I still read them). Sometimes awful thoughts crop into my head: for instance, I might be walking across a bridge and think of my toddler falling into the water, or even worse, imagining myself suddenly picking him up and throwing him off. The latter is apparently a common thing for people who suffer from OCD - my therapist explained that whereas non-OCD people sometimes get these unpleasant thoughts and are able to pay no heed to them/let them go, people with OCD start worrying that because the thought is there, that must mean the intent is there on some level (which obviously isn't true) and they then start getting obsessive over taking preventative measures, e.g. ensuring they never cross a bridge with their child. I am using my CBT techniques to combat these thoughts, and so far I feel less panicky and more positive about the future. It really does feel like a weight is lifting. I have realised that worrying about what may or may not happen does no good to me, and that what I really want to do is enjoy my time with my son without worrying about the future.
Sorry to have waffled on, but your post really struck a chord with me. I wish you all the best :)

Thanks so much, Kalypso - yes, that sounds very like it! It defintely is a matter of not being able to move past the thoughts, they just circle around and around and take over.

It is very encouraging to hear that CBT is working for you. I am going to ask for a referral and see how that goes, but I think tomorrow I will go into town and look for some books about CBT, too.
Feeling a glimmer of hope that I can get this sorted out!

Thank you all. :)