DS is 18 months and I feel so low

[NoEscape]

I?ve namechanged as I have RL friends on one of the living overseas boards and don?t want them to know these details.

DS is now 18 months old and is perfect. He is (usually) well behaved, he (usually) sleeps well. He is often ill as he goes to nursery (I work full time) but I really can?t complain about him ? he is a happy and clever baby.

So why do I feel like this?

I feel like all the life has been sucked out of me. Each day is a list of chores and the stress is overwhelming. I have always been a stressful person and worry about everything.

I look at DS and I know I love him but don?t feel the rush of love?.just a rush of stress and worry that he is ill, will die, will have an accident. When he was born I felt no rush of love?.looking back I think I was in shock after the birth for a good few months.

DH and I both work full time and all our family are in the UK. So we have no respite or time for relaxation. I mourn my old life. I?m really close to my mum but can?t talk to her in any detail about this (she has massive issues of her own at the moment). When I saw her over Christmas she told me it makes her sad to see me unhappy and that I need to lighten up and that all the fun has been sucked out of me.

I?ve always been a quite introverted person ? I have lots of friends but I never talk about my feelings or let my guard down. I feel I over-think things. I just want to stop worrying and stop thinking and just enjoy life and enjoy DS.

But I can?t.

I have said to DH that I feel depressed and whilst he is kind of supportive, he really doesn?t understand.

I?ve had counselling in the past (issues related to my parent?s marriage breakup) but just don?t see how it would help now. I don?t want to take anti-depressants as DH and I want another DC (although I have no idea how I would cope) and I don?t want to take tablets whilst being pregnant.

What can I do? I just want someone to hit me over the head or inject me with happy juice and make the cloud lift.

So sorry you feel this way. You do sound depressed and anxious. Having a child is a HUGE life change and it can take years to fully adjust and start to actually enjoy your new set up (it took me years anyway).

I think you should see your GP as a first step. I'm sure there are anti d's that can be taken during pregnancy.

Do you get any work free and child free time? When you can be you and please yourself and worry about nothing for a while?

Hope I've been a little bit of help. Am sure others will be along soon. You' confidingre not alone in how you feel.

Also, not wanting to out yourself is understandable. But confiding in rl friends is also important, good friends will offer support and understanding.

I second the idea of speaking to the GP if this is depression you could nip it in the bud before it worsens. I felt like you for a few months before I became horribly depressed-obviously there is no reason to think yours will worsen but not worth the risk!. Dont dismiss the idea of AD's mine were brilliant at restoring me to my usual happy self-best of luck you will feel better soon.

Thanks for the responses. I seem to have a few days when I feel really low then a day when I feel better before sinking back down again. I was wondering if it could be the contraceptive pill I'm on (and have been taking since DS stopped breastfeeding) so I may try to stop that first and see if it makes a difference.

In answer to jasminerice - I don't get much work-free, child-free time. I sometimes travel for work so get a night in a hotel on my own maybe once every two months which is bliss. I think DH and I would just like to do things together once in a while. I wish we were nearby to family and could drop DS off at the grandparents for just a few hours whilst we went for lunch or shopping.

I've now read some of the other threads in section where people are in a much worse situation than me and now feel guilty for posting