Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

Original poster

DSIL is a coke addict and wants a baby

12 replies

LittleMilla · 06/02/2012 20:18

That's it really.

Just before Christmas she told her DH and the family that she's been going on binges for the last four years - blowing up to £400 a week towards the end. She was in a v. well paid job about three years ago that helped pay for the habit and since leaving the job (she left to go on an adventure b/c the coke was begining to sprial) she has been using her savings to pay for the habit.

At the time she made all the right noises, started therapy etc. But since a trip away this xmas she has stopped counselling and the week before last had a relapse - went on 36 hour binge...£300 of coke.

I am incredibley angry with her about it all, but have to toe the line for the sake of my DH. Her and I are close (or I thought we were) and so the deceit has been tough. But last week's wobble just made me cross...we have a 9 mo DS and she was staying with us Friday night, having been doing it non-stop since the Thursday night. She was in pieces by the time she arrived, but I fear it's going to get swept under the carpet - she hasn't yet told her parents as they were going on hols and we didn't want to worry them. And for the remainder of the weekend it wasn't mentioned.

My biggest worry (and I appear to be the only one with this concern) is that her and her DH are trying for a child. Everyone seems to think I am worrying over nothing and a baby will be just what she needs, but it is scaring the shit out of me. The wobble came after she found out she wasn't pg. She hasn't had a stable job really since leaving the lucrative one a few years ago and I fear she's pinning everything on a baby. Having gone through it all I know that the emotional turmoil she's in is NOTHING compared to what she'll go through with a baby.

Does anyone have any experience of drug addiction? Posted in here, but pls let me know if there's a better place.

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleMilla · 07/02/2012 19:29

Bump.

Or is there somewhere else I should post this...?

OP posts:

Keziahhopes · 07/02/2012 19:47

Hi, I can hear your concern. However, no one can stop someone from conceiving, but you can raise concerns about her as a mother and the safety of a baby after the event has happened and that may give her access to more help. I have no experience of drug addiction. Would she consider seeking help from a charity or NHS? I guess admitting it is a big first step.

HereIGo · 07/02/2012 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madmouse · 07/02/2012 20:33

You are right to be concerned - if she takes coke whilst pregnant she risks miscarriages, abnormalities, early baby, stillbirth, low birthweight and more - and crucially her baby will be born addicted. If you've ever seen an addicted newborn you will know how pitiful they are. I've mostly come across heroin babies and they are in so much pain when they are born and need to be given methadone.

The bad news is - you can't stop her getting pregnant. If she's well off the rails and using heavily during pregnancy you may well need to consider contacting social services if you worry about the welfare of the child.

Original poster

LittleMilla · 07/02/2012 21:19

Thanks for replies.

My biggest worry is that she (and everyone else) sees a baby as the 'fix'. She's done a few weeks of therapy, but after the first bit of pressure she went off on a binge.

Perhaps I will speak to her about holding off trying until she's been clear for say three months? Perhaps making the point that the coke is likely to be stopping her conceiving - they've been trying since last Easter, but she was prob doing at least weekly binges up until Nov.

Whilst I don't think that she'd take it whilst pg, I do worry that once the baby comes she could crumble of the going gets tough (which in my experience it will). She just isn't stable.

I think the thing that irritates me (and I'm sorry if I offend anyone) is that because it's now out in the open, she's better. She's not and the wobble the other week proves it.

OP posts:

madmouse · 07/02/2012 21:21

If she's addicted to coke she will not simply be able to stop taking it in pregnancy

Original poster

LittleMilla · 08/02/2012 09:11

OP posts:

LadyMedea · 08/02/2012 13:00

Raise your concerns, state the obvious to anyone who will listen - trying for a baby whilst being addicted to a toxic substance is absolute lunacy. You may not be popular, but you will be standing up for sanity.

oldqueenie · 08/02/2012 18:39

i think you should tell her straight. She needs to address her problems by seeking appropriate help to deal with her addiction: NA meetings / therapy / whatever is advised. She needs to be drug free for a substantial period before trying to conceive. Addiction / class A drugs and pregnancy or parenthood are a terrible and irresponsible mix. Does she have a partner? He needs a good talking to as well.

Original poster

LittleMilla · 08/02/2012 19:38

oldqueenie you're right. I think I am just tiptoeing around it for fear of upsetting her again, which is stupid. And I think her DH sees them having a baby as a way of 'normalising' everything. It's hit him HARD and before she fessed up, he was just excited about potentially becoming a dad. He adores our DS and I feel desperately sorry for him. More than her actually.

Seeing her parents this weekend and I am hoping she will have told her mum about the relapse. At least then I can talk to her and maybe ask her to suggest holding off on the baby front. And actually, I think I might speak to her DH before her. We have a good relationship and I might find it easier talking to him as I am not sure he quite realises that she's trying to please him (I think) as much as anything.

Suchafuckingmess.

Thanks for replies.

OP posts:

oldqueenie · 08/02/2012 19:45

talk to everyone involved about it, make your views known! addicts thrive on secrecy, lies and avoiding reality. Don't allow her to pretend the lapse didn't happen / collude with her by not talking about it openly.... someone needs to be in touch with the reality of her situation!

Original poster

LittleMilla · 08/02/2012 21:22

Again, you're right. just spoken to DH (he's staying with them in the week as he's working in London), agrees that her DH would be a good starting point. Urged me to be sensitive (obvs!) but is thankfully supportive.

You've hit the nail on the head about secrecy. I think the comment she made after her first therapy session riled me the most "it was great to see so many people like me there. We're all intelligent people that were able to convincingly deceive those around us easily. Like acting, really". It f*cked me off so much that she'd clearly got off on the fact that she'd managed to keep it all a secret so bloody long. Grrr.

Sorry, rant over. Fuuuooow. And breathe.

OP posts:

Flip