I would really welcome some help and advice, please. I will try and keep this quite brief (I have namechanged).
I have had 2 bouts of clinical depression. The first time I was 19. I was diagnosed with a depression triggered by endless PMT. Prozac and going on the Pill sorted me out.
The second time I ended up despairing, and - I would not say self-harming - but certainly trying to hurt myself. Prozac, again, helped. On both of those occasions I had everything going for me. I was in love, I was a brilliant student, I had a secure family life.
I now need to know whether I am clinically depressed again, or just responding in a perfectly reasonable way to what is going on.
6 years ago I gave up a reasonably secure profession to pursue the one thing I had always wanted to do. I put everything I had into studying and doing everything I needed to do, and the signs were always excellent. But it now looks as if I am almost certain to fail.
At the same time, we have tried for 2 years to have a child, with no success (there is nothing wrong with either of us). We have been offered IVF, but first I must lose weight.
I no longer have any hope for the future. I do not believe that I will ever have children, or even find a decent job that will give me security, fulfillment and self-esteem. I cannot see that we will ever sort out our financial troubles - my fault, because I stopped earning well and now cannot go back. I am entirely without any hope, or optimism, or ability to plan for the future. the future seems weirdly dark and hollow, and I was always so full of hopes and plans.
I spend a lot of time crying. Twice I have become almost hysterical with despair and pulled out my hair and slapped myself around the face, and hit myself on the head until I felt dizzy and faint. I avoid seeing friends wherever I can. I find my heart racing with despair and anxiety and very often sit for long periods staring into space and find I can't actually speak when my DH speaks to me. I am very lethargic and want to be left alone, by everyone, all the time. That being said, I put on a fairly effective front at work, and on the occasions when I cannot avoid going out. I am becoming very depending on my DH. I have fixated on him as the one good thing in my life, which is not healthy.
I am furious with myself. i have a home, a job, a DH I adore and who adores me. In my heart of hearts i think I should buck the fuck up, and this is no case for the GP but for pulling myself together, and sharpish. But I can't. I try, and I go out and see people, then it descends on me and I'm left sort of...stunned ,I guess. That life turned out like this. So I guess I want to know - is this depression, again? Or do I need to sort myself out?