HELP! Am I depressed or just fucked up completely?

[NeedToSettle]

I have denied I am depressed as surely I would not be able to keep the house clean with 4 DCs in it, would not be able to bath them all every night, have clean clothes for them to wear daily, shower myself and wear clean clothes and makeup daily, get up to the toddler in the night and still get out of bed and get the older ones to school on time, cook a dinner from scratch, get out to toddler groups everyday, go the gym etc. Surely if I was I would not be capable of doing anything? I tell myself I am just an anxious person and it is due to the shit circumstances (financial) that we are in? Financial disaster meant we lost everything a few years back and things have felt like they have been beyond my control ever since. Trying to take control of my life has felt like trying to put a harness on a bucking bronco!

I suffer from intense panic attacks and horrible morbid thoughts. I wonder if I am going crazy and would I know if I was. Just read a thread about someone suffering from psychosis brought on by stress and I am terrified that if I can't stop this anxiety, that I will get that too. I have thoughts that I will always be like this and if there is a chance that I may actually 'lose my mind' that it is better that I commit suicide in case I hurt somebody but I don't want to bloody die, I just want to enjoy my bloody life!! I am terrified of being alone with my DCs, especially after reading news reports about people going crazy and killing their families. Apparently the thoughts I have are are perfectly normal thoughts that everyone gets but as my mind is oversensitised, I latch onto them and they terrify me.

I have read all the self help books, tried various different programmes, had CBT, hypnotheraphy. My psychologist tells me that there is nothing wrong with me and I don't need further counselling, I am the only one who can 'cure' myself by accepting that but I can't seem to. I try to relax and just go with the flow but the constant worry about the DCs, money, finding a job (I know I need to get out the world again and be 'busy') means that I am constantly on red alert.

My GP wants me on anti depressants but Prozac made my anxious thoughts 10 times worse and I am terrified about trying any other one as I worry that they will turn me mad! I know that sounds mad!

My life is just fear, terror and more fear . I did not use to be like this. What the bloody fuck can I do?

Off to bed. Everything seems so much shitter late at night!

No one?

Did you tell your GP that you felt the prozac made you more anxious or did you just stop taking them?

I'm on paroxetine (also called seroxat) and think its good for anxiety & depression together, not that I mean you definitely need ADs, just its not only prozac available.

If you are keeping on top of things that means you are 'coping' but if your anxiety and/or depression is quite bad then you might feel that you are putting on a 'front' and close to breaking IYKWIM?

Its better to ask for help, IMO.

I suffered from depression and had hypnosis before I fell pregnant with my DS. I found it really the best thing as I'd been on AD's for a long time and wanted to be off them before I became pregnant.

You could ask your GP to refer you for counselling. I've done counselling in the past and its just talking to someone impartial who is there to listen to you and help you unload all the stresses so you can feel human again.

Also, when you say you are able to do all your usual daily things like bath & feed kids, wear make up, get children off to school etc this is completely normal but can sometimes feel a bit like auto pilot. At times I would have described my depression as missing out the highs and lows of life and just plodding along and not having big happy/high points or very down low points (like if a pet passed away not really crying or grieving as an example).

Hi you may have an 'anxiety based' depression. I did - and prozac made me 100 times worse. Sent my anxiety through the roof. I have taken other ads since which have helped eventually but in the first few weeks the anxiety has again increased.

For me I havent taken ads until ive reached the point of really not functioning (not able to work, look after family properly) but thats just a personal decision and other people decide to use them long before they get to that point.

It sounds like your mind and body are on constant high alert. You could try to reduce that by doing regular breathing/relaxation exercises and things like mindfulness and then if things dont improve maybe consider trying a course of different medication.

Good luck x

There are drugs that can help with anxiety and depression - Citalopram does both. Get back to our GP.