What's wrong with me? The D word perhaps...

[anametohidebehind]

I don't really know where to start.
I gave name changed, I guess out of fear that my suspicions are correct.

I don't know what's wrong with me, have spent the last couple of weeks feeling odd. Feeling like my life is going on but I'm almost watching from an outsiders pov. I feel lonely, I'm not I have a DH and two lovely DDs. Friends I could call on and colleagues at work but still I feel on my own. I feel , and I'll explain further in a mo, that I'm a fraud that it has just been relieved what an unlike able person I am. I've been crying a lot- I'm a crier anyway but even more so of late. I don't want to go and do anything, I don't want to see people - its just too hard. I'm tired, bloody shattered, but is that just the time of year? This morning I was hoping against hope that one of the Dcs would be I'll so I wouldn't have to go to work. I cried a lot last night.

Two things to note.

A couple of weeks ago a colleague - I don't have much to do with her but know her to be straight down the line and honest - came to me to give me a pep talk. This pep talk, she thought I wasn't going about people managing the wrong way, was brutal. I have been left feeling like I'm a fraud. Everything I thought I was good at, it has been revealed that actually I'm not- this is not what she said but how I have interpreted it. I know this but feeling so battered is the only thing I can do. As if everyone dislikes me, as if everyone is talking about me - I know this is not true but cannot change how I feel.

I feel so hopeless.

My parents have both died. My dad most recently. I have cried buckets and have wondered a few times in the 5 years since he's been gone whether I should talk to
Someone. I know I haven't moved on. My dd asks about him and I find it v hard to talk about him without being sad. I still feel cheated. I cry quite a lot. And I have a very awareness of mortality. I am scared of death, of someone else that I live dying. Or or me dying- how can I not my parents both did. I try v hard not to show my dds how hung up i am.

Thank you if you have got to the end of my very long post.

Hello, You have been through a lot so it is not surprising you are feeling like this.

Have you been to see your GP? A lot of how your feeling does sound like depression. Are you able to talk to DH about how you are feeling?

Depression is more common than you think and medication nowadays is very effective.

I hope you get the help you need, I can tell you their is hope and you will feel better xx

Hello, You have been through a lot so it is not surprising you are feeling like this.

Have you been to see your GP? A lot of how your feeling does sound like depression. Are you able to talk to DH about how you are feeling?

Depression is more common than you think and medication nowadays is very effective.

I hope you get the help you need, I can tell you their is hope and you will feel better xx

Hi georgejack, thanks for your reply.

My dh is a really good man, I've talked to him a lot. He is worried about me I think.
I'm going to talk to my boss tomorrow, I have a good relationship with her and think it would b helpful if she had an idea of how it is. I cried this morning on the way to work and in the way home.

I'm being so Very short tempered with my chidren which makes me sad.

But feel a bit weird about going to the gp. What would I say? Stupid question perhaps?

Hello. You sound like you're having a really hard time, and yes, from what you write you do sound as though you're suffering from depression. I share many of the things that you mention and am currently on treatment for depression. You sound quite poorly and I would urge you to see your GP who I am sure will be sympathetic and will be able to help you, perhaps with counselling or tablets or both. It's hard to be objective about work whilst you feel so low but you will get better with some help. Try not to be so hard on yourself, depression is an illness - you owe it yourself and your dds to get some help & treatment. Thinking of you.

I thought I was a strong person but how can I be?
I read what I wrote and reflect on how I feel and barely recognize myself

cannotdecide, thankyou.
I think maybe I'm a bit scared about going to the GP. I don't if that's because I'm worried about them nonsensing my fears or getting the D label. I know it's not rational and I know i owe it to my DDs .... and myself.
But....

Being depressed doesn't make you a weak person but it does make you feel bad of yourself without any reason to. It's really hard as it sets up a vicious cycle of negative thinking. 1 in 5 people get depressed, but you will get better and you'll be even stronger for getting through this. I'm coming through it but I could have written everything that you did. Just hang on in there, talk to those who can support you and do see your GP - they are very very used to this x

And I agree it is scary going to see the GP but you'll feel better just for going and talking, try to book in with a GP that you get on with and just be honest, tell them what you've written here, even write it down if it helps. Don't be hard on yourself, it sounds as though you've been doing an amazing job as a wife mother and at work despite feelng down/ grief etc. You will get better x

Also ask the gp to run blood tests - you could be run down physically and it is affecting your mental health
Could you afford private cbt or hypnotherapy? My dh finds it helpful

I agree with all the posters on here, and speak from experience, having had 2 major episodes of depression and both times on psych ward for 3 months. I am still not fully recovered from second episode. I think you are describing the classic symptoms of depression. I know how hard it is to get theGP but you must do it - someone said 1 in 5 people get depressed. It's actually 1 in 4 and one third of patients are seeing their GP for depression.

I agree so much with the last line of loopymumsy's post. As she says it can strike anyone and the number of people who have said to me "god I nevr thought you'd get depression. I read a book called "Depression the Curse of the Strong" (can't remember who wrote it - a psychiatrist I think) but you could find it on Amazon.

When you see the GP you will probably burst into tears but that's ok - that's certainly what I did. Most of them use a checklist and ask you things like "Are you sad every day, some days, not at all" and similar questions. The other thing you could do is make a list (bullet points) so easy to read and hand it to him/her.

I am wondering if the cause of your depression is related to the grief after the death of your father - I wonder if that grief got "stuck" as it seems you just tucked it away somewhere. Depression is almost always about loss of some kind.

I think it's a shame that so many people are still afriad of the D word and what people will think about them. 1 in 6 people are suffering from depression at any one time, so think of that when you are in the supermarket!
Therre is a real need to get rid of the stigma of mental illness, but I know that you won't be able to think like this at the moment.

You will probably be prescribed ADs and they do take a couple of weeks to kick in and sometimes you have to try one or two to get the one that suits you, but they are very effective in most cases. You mention "seeing someone" about the loss of your father and I think you are absolutely right, but at the moment I think the depression is getting a hold on you, so it may be best for the symptoms to subside before you see a therapist.

Also you need to be signed off work - you can't work when you feel this way.

Sending good wishes.......and remember you will get better