After 3 years

[redfive]

I have picked a little hole in my wrist, it hurts to move my hand. Not sure why because it is not a big hole or a deep one but it is sore. I don't want to feel or think and it is a good distraction (or whatever purpose it serves). My husband will see at some point and he will be so very sad. I am hoping I can say I caught it at work or something.

Hmm. I am off to bed now (work tomorrow) but i just wanted to tell someone how stupid I have been. And now muddled I feel.

redfive, so sorry you have hurt yourself. I don't honestly know much about self-harming but didn't want you to go unanswered. Has anything brought this on?

Thank you for your kind reply :) I have lots going on at the moment and I am on anti-depressants and having counselling. I am trying so hard not to think.

Don't beat yourself up. I think we all have things we fall back on in times of great stress. I do hope you can find some peace. Is the counselling helping?

Oh redfive, we all do stuff we shouldn't from time to time. Not sure what to say but didn't want to read and run... look after yourself

I am just writing some bits so I can get it out.

Chipmonkey what you said really rings true, I feel like I spend much of my time trying to find peace of some sort. When I hurt myself I do feel like a wave of peacefulness over me which sounds so strange. I can channel all of the shitty things I feel about myself into this little spot on my wrist. Only now the little spot is bigger and redder and it is not good enough. Muddle muddle. :(

The therapy is great and he is very supportive and it is helping I think? I should speak to my husband about this but i can't, I can't admit to anyone what I have done. I am so ashamed.

Don't be ashamed. You're just trying to cope. And if the therapy is helping, then that is really good news. You have to retrain your brain to remember/ learn new coping skills so that you don't have to hurt yourself. But it's not easy. Don't put pressur in yourself - but remind yourself of all the good things you are doing.

Has your dh usually been understanding when you've self-harmed before, redfive?

How are you redfive?

Thank you for the kind replies to my little thread, it is lovely knowing that people are thinking of me.

My DH is a very good person and he has struggled to understand my past self harm but he has stood by me throughout and I know he will always support me. I suppose my fear is of disappointing him and showing him how rubbish I really am. He saw my wrist tonight and I lied and said i had caught it at work and that I had picked the scab which is why it was red. He was so shocked about it and I couldn't bear for him to know what I really did to myself. I am annoyed as well because it will be harder to hide it if I do more. Urgh.

I had a weird day at work, not my finest and I just have this vibe that my colleagues are so fed up of me. I am finding it hard to sleep and feel very distracted which doesn't help.

Sorry for rambling.

I felt the same redfive - I was angry and upset with myself for doing it in the first place and very embarrassed. And I thought DP would be shocked, disappointed & think I was a failure. Its hard to think straight though. And lack of sleep doesn't help.

Do you still self harm? How did your partner react?

It is weird because I feel tired and I have quite a full on busy stressful job so I should be tired enough to sleep but then I get to bed and I think and think and think!

My DH is very happy and content as a person and I think he struggles to understand when I am not.

My sleep is the same as yours. I go for several days of 2-3 hours sleep, or just doze for 5 hours.

Yes, I still do it. Well, hace started again recently when I just didn't know what else to do. My situation is different from yours - DP is seriously depressed and I've been under a lot of strain too... so when he put 2 & 2 together, and realised that the marks weren't accidental, he was upset and worried and now feels bad that his depression and the strain on our relationship (as well as general life stress) has pushed me to this. I tend to think of it as less of a big deal than he does. I feel awful that he noticed. He's not really in a position to support me.

I have posted about this in the past but always name-changed. I have never admitted this under my real MN name

Grockle, you are certainly dealing with a lot :( I am sorry your DH is unwell as well, it seems so unfair.

I was asked about my wrist at work today but it doesn't look at all like self harm so I got away with it. I find it comforting knowing I did it to myself.

I slept really well last night but I feel very upset today. I am leaving my job on Friday and it feels like they can't wait to get me out of there :(

When I say asked about, I mean someone said 'your wrist looks sore, what happened?' not asked about in terms of self harm!