I've gone insane. I don't know how to cope with all these feelings

[SomebodySaveMe]

I keep worryingly excessively- one of the DCs (especially DS) getting cancer or dying, DP being in a car crash or dying, DSD being hurt or moved away, someone taking the DCs

Feeling like none of my life is real- as if I'm going to wake up to find everything gone and DP saying 'were you really stupid enough to believe that anyone loved you?'

Feeling worthless- not especially good at anything, not overly pretty, smart etc

Overwhelmed by all the crappy feelings- cant sleep, no appetite, can go entire days without remembering to eat

Angry for no reason

Not trusting anyone because I can't see why they would want to be around me

Lonely but scared of meeting new people, they might hate me, I don't know what to say etc

Feeling like a fraud- at any moment someone might realise that the smile is fake and I'm no good at any of this

Jealous- everybody else copes and is happy. Why can't I manage it?

Wary of anyone looking after the DCs in case they think I'm unfit and don't bring them back

Shame- checking DPs emails, doing things that make people hate me possibly testing if they do honestly love me

Pathetic- I never used to feel like this. I hate it. I want to be me again.

I sometimes don't go to bed until 3/4 am because I'm frantically studying or cleaning etc so it looks like I'm on top of things.

Sorry, it's long and miserable. I just needed to write it down. I considered killing myself but I'm too selfish, I don't want the DCs to not know who I am.
DP is thinking of leaving me because I accused him of cheating, I'm a paranoid mess and checked his phone.
It's all falling apart.

Oh and the dr has put me on fluoxetine and citalopram over the last 6 months. Neither have helped. I'll have good days where im happy then sink into despair a few days later.

SSM, didn't want to read and run.

Do you maybe need to re visit your GP if meds are not helping?

No solid advice, I'm sure someone with experience will be along soon.

Oh lovey

I really think you need to go back to your gp and explain ALL your feelings and symptoms.It really sounds like your meds aren't working for you.

Please call the Samaritans if you are in the depths of despair.

You are not going mad,just exhausted with how you are feeling.

Please go to the gp on Monday.

I've been there and have come through it I know you probably think you'll never feel like the 'old you' right now but you will with the right treatment and support.

Be kind to yourself x

Thank you. I need to try and explain it all to DP tonight but he's so angry and barely speaking to me.
I'm going to write it down to take to the dr. Usually I feel so embarrassed I don't explain it all to them in case they think I'm being stupid.

Thank you for replying

SSM - how long have you been feeling this way? Has this sort of thing happened in the past? Did you experience some kind of trauma in your childhood. Sorry about all the Qs - just trying to get an idea of the origin of your feelings.

I am no medic and dislike the idea of trying to diagnose on the internet. However I have suffered severe episodes of depression and anxiety and some of the things you say, make me think you too are suffering from dep/anx as they usually go hand in hand. When we are depressed we feel ashamed of ourselves, often feeling that we should be doing something to put it all right. We don't feel like this with a physical illness - it is just one of the tricks Dep/Anx plays on us. Your self esteem sounds like it is rock bottom, which is unsurprising as you are clearly ill, though mentally rather than physically. The trouble is we have nothing to show for it, no plaster or bandages etc., so people can't "see it"

You mention "everbody else copes and is happy" - sorry but this is utter nonsense. You only have to look on the MN MH and R/ship threads to see how distressed people are. 1 in 4 people will suffer from mental health difficulties at some point in their lives and 6 are suffering at any one time. I know it looks like that when you are feeling so crap, but you must rid yourself of this notion, as it will just make you feel worse.

Not sure about your DH - are you afriad he is having an affair or do you think it is that you are a touch paranoid and think he could be, as how could anyone love you....or something similar. It is very common to have suicidal thoughts in severe depression (I had decided which part of the canal I was going to drown myself in) but when we more or less know that we aren't going to go through with it, it's called suicide ideation. However medics should take this seriously as it is quite high risk in severe depression.

As others have said you need to get back to the GP and as you say write down (maybe in bullet points) exactly how you are feeling. There are many other ADs to try besides the ones that you have already tried. It does sometimes take a while to find one that suits you.

Can you write down something else for your DP (or give him list that you will take to GP) but adding what you need from him, in simple terms. Maybe you could strike a deal that means you stop suspecting him and checking his phone and he has some realisation of what you are going through and can offer some support.

My parents divorced when I was 11. Strained relationship with my dad and stepmum, had limited contact with dad for last 2 years. He cheated on my mum.
My first serious relationship from when I was 15-18 involved sexual, emotional and physical abuse and abortion. By the end of it I wasn't allowed out without him being there.
DP and I met shortly after. I'm not even sure why I don't trust him. He goes to his friends a lot because he's miserable and it's because of me.

Does anyone have any knowledge of the mind gym website?