Going mad

[Arana]

Help, I don't know what to do. I'm in a constant state of anxiety. I have at least one full blown panic attack every day. The other night I totally lost it - screaming, throwing myself into the walls, breaking stuff.
I've been having treatment for depression, but it hadn't worked - citalopram and effexor made me worse and amitriptyline.had no effect. I've not taken anything other than valium for three weeks. I'm having counselling as well, but I can't say it's any good tbh. It's all about being mindful and taking control, but the problem I have is I can't control these feelings at all, not with breathing or thinking.
The main trigger seems to be stress, or anything to do with DH. We're having problems at the moment (not least because I'm a psychotic depressed freak) but almost everything he does annoys me. If he pays me attention I feel like he's scrutinising me, or wants something. If he backs off, I feel like he's abandoning me and being selfish. He can't win, but I can't control the way I feel. I can't bear to look him in the eye, I'm constantly cringing from him. I feel like he's constantly angry at me, even though he's not. Often there's no reason for it. We were having a nice evening last night, watched a bit of tv, I was up for having sex, dh was happy about this. As soon as we started the panic started setting in - I couldn't bear the thought of him looking at me or touching me. I tried to work through it, but couldn't, and practically threw him off me.
Help me.

I can only think of one question: who's hurt you/treated you so badly in the past?

Arana - firstly you are not going mad - there is no such thing really. It is true that in psychotic illness (which you don't have as you have been diagnosed with depression) people can lose touch with reality.

How long have you been feeling the symptoms of anxiety and depression, which almost always go hand in hand and are truly horrible. It can only be understood by people who have first hand experience of this illness. I have been trying to fully recover from a severe episode of depression in Easter 2010 (3 months in psych ward) and still have ups and downs, and have rages like the one you described, scarey but that's it - not madness. There are many other ADs that you can try besides the ones you mention. As you probably know it is all trial and error with ADs and it sometimes takes a while to find the right one. You need to see your GP again and get some advice about meds that you might try. I know it's really difficult because you have to try them for a few weeks to see if they are going to have any effect.

Do you know what has triggered this illness? You know the main trigger is any kind of stress, and that's useful to know. Do you have children and/or do you have a job and if so are you able to cope with work at the moment.

Not sure what to say about you and your DH - and you are not a psychotic depressed freak by the way. Depression is a neurotic illness not a psychotic one, so you can't have both! Could the onset of the illness be because you and your DH are having problems, or is it the effect of your illness. Are you ashamed of feeling like you do (I certainly was) and could this be causing your ambivalence towards your DH. I think mental illness is a deceitful illness because it makes us think things about ourselves that are not true.

I wonder whether it is too early for counselling, and you need the depression to lift before you can really engage with a therapist.

Keep posting as this is lots of support of here, from those of us who know what this horrid illness feels like.

Thanks nananina, a lot of good info there. Reassuring.

I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. Life is stressful, but that's just how it is I guess.

I've never been abused. Mildly neglected on occasion, but nothing terrible.

What can I do about the whole DH issue? Sometime I just can't stand to be around him, I'm horrible to him - I just can't match the man he is to the man in my head. Sure, he's not perfect, but my mental health issues aside we have a good relationship. I don't know how much longer we can last though - I try and keep my feelings to myself - I figure it's better to be distant than horrible, especially when I don't understand where a lot of the feelings come from.
Right now, I want him to leave, but that's in no way fair for him, and I know once I come out of the other side of this I would be distraught if i'd made him leave. I do and I don't want it iyswim?
My head is just so fucked up.

Hi Arana - this thing with your DH is a bit of a puzzle. Have these ambivalent feelings towards him come since the depression started, or did you feel like this about him when you were well. Ah think you have answered that because you say the "mental health issues aside we have a good relationship" - SO it is it seems related to your mental health difficulties at the moment. The thing is I think depression manifests itself in different ways with people, and of course we only understand the way it affects us

You really should not be making decisions (leaving him) while you are so unstable because of the depression, and you have the insight to know that when you are well again you would be distraught if you had made him leave.

Do you have any understanding at all about the reasons behind the way you feel about your DH at present - is there something you need from him (support, empathy) that you are not getting. Are you envious because he is ok and you're not, (oh sorry I see you are saying you don't know where the feelings come from) but I am just casting the net as wide as I can to see if anything rings bells for you. I think you said in one post that everything he does irritates you, and depression can make you very irritable and I hated that, more than when I was crying and vulnerable, because it elicited a better response frommy DP I suppose.

Is there any chance you can sit and talk to him about this dilemma, and help him to realise that it is hot him that you are irritated/angry/frustrated with (whatever fits) but it is the way you are feeling, and thus far you haven't been able to understand these emotions, and so have chosen to be distant rather than horrid. OR if you can't talk to him, can you write down what you are feeling and how muddled you feel and let him read it.

The real solution though is to get your anxiety and depression sorted and get different meds to see if they will help. I think you are just in a state of thinking "the meds don't work" so what's the point, but it is always worth talking to the GP or ask for a referral to a psychiatrist, who may be able to offer more help than a GP. I had a friend who tried so many different ADs and nothing worked and she was pretty awful for well over a year, and then she saw a psychiatrst who added lithium to her ADs and that worked and she gradually got better and is fine now.

Take care of yourself - you are going through a horrid time at the moment, but it will pass, but you need to get back to the GP and if necessary ask for a referral to a psychiatrist, as they obviously have an expertise in diagnosing and treating dep/anx that many GPs just don't have, and would not be expected to have. It's like any pyhsical illness - you sometimes need to be referred to a specialist. First thing is to get back to the GP and take it from there.

I went back to the gp today - she prescribed me more benzodiazepam and suggest I try yoga.
I don't want to be disparaging of yoga, but i'll admit I was hoping for more.
I don't know where to go from here. Is it worth trying a different gp? Or should I contact the acute mental health team?

Awful for you and your dh, sounds paralysing.

I think you need to do everything. Medication and counselling and exercise and meditation. All of these things can be incorporated into normal life and your body can gradually learn to cope more positively with anxiety or deflect it.

Hypnotherapy may be useful, too.

Sorry OP, it sounds so hard on you both. All the best.

Arana - I would most definitely try another GP, as I think to just give you more benzos is just not on. They are known to be very addictive and some years ago GPs were just dishing them out to anyone and everyone and if people complained they were still anxious, they would just up the prescription. THere was a national scandal about this, as people were living their lives like zombies, and I think some of these people sued the Health Authorities, because the dangers of addiction were not explained to them, and I'm not sure the GPs knew the damage they were doing. Benzos and yoga - is she on planet earth?

Do you know if there is anyone in the practice who has some expertise in mental health and knows the dangers of long term use of diazepam (valium) what sort of dose has she prescribed Arana?

Not sure about the mental health team as it works differently in different areas - I suspect you might have to be referred by a GP, but you could always speak to them and ask if you can self refer. Thing is though they can't prescribe or change the GPs prescription, so I think first thing to do is see another GP and explain about your depression as well as anxiety as it isn't really possible to separate them, and most ADs cope with the anxiety too. I know you have had difficulty in finding an AD to suit you, but I would have thought that a GP would pursue the matter to find an AD that does suit you, not just prescribe more diazepam.