Others who haven't ended up with the relationship/number of children/life they wanted – how do you come to terms with it, especially when friends and neighbours around you seem to have "arrived"?

[AFOL]

Friends who have all the children they ever wanted when you don't, for whatever reason (can't have them, haven't met right man, have lost them, etc) ...

Friends who have lovely doting partners/husbands, when your long-term relationship/marriage failed and no one who quite cuts it has made an appearance since ...

Friends who've achieved some major success - fulfilling a significant career or personal goal - which you, too, have aspired to for years, but haven't been able to get even close to being able to pull off due to circumstances, responsibilities, etc ...

All kinds of stuff like this really.

I passed a lovely friend in the street earlier this week, who I haven't caught up with for a while, and found myself avoiding her. She has so much going on in her life that I would have wanted (do still want, but realistically can't have) in mine. She is truly blessed. And she deserves it ? she's lovely. But I envy her, and deeply regret that my life hasn't panned out as hers has. And in our community, she's not alone ? there are many others I know like her, women my age, for whom it's all worked out. Or at least seems to have.

I had a tough start to the year, losing a pregnancy I hadn't planned (and wasn't even sure I wanted in the circumstances), and my current relationship is just not up to scratch (hence pregnancy uncertainty). I would dearly love another child, but if I want to bring them into a loving, stable, supportive relationship with a man who's solvent (which I would want to), the odds are (at 34) it's not going to happen ... I haven't even met him yet! And I'm just feeling really low about this ? especially with others around me enjoying their thirties with lovely, doting husbands and partners, in lovely family homes, and popping out second, third and fourth much-wanted children, whom they're well placed to take good care of.

I know I'm not entitled to all this. I think I'm a fundamentally nice person, and that for various reasons (including bad luck), it just hasn't worked out for me. And I need to find a way to accept this and move on with my life as it is, just me and my gorgeous DS, making the best of what we do have ? our health, time together, our home, my job, etc. It's just hard sometimes, and particularly while feeling more loss/sadness/grief than usual at the moment, for what might have been, to forge ahead stoically with all these lives-like-how-I'd-have-liked-mine-to-be under my nose.

If others have found themselves feeling like this, how have you handled it? These friends and neighbours aren't going anywhere, and nor am I, so I need to find a way.

How old are you, AFOL?

I could only dream about the life I have today one decade ago. Things can change!

Sorry, just saw you are 34. Listen, at 35 my life was ENTIRELY different to the one I have now. Please don't give up hope!

Bonsoir and I don't always agree but I absolutely second her post . At 35 I was a weeping mess, really low - I had proper depression - glumly convinced that I had messed up every chance of a decent relationship and having children. My work wasn't going that well either. I couldn't bear the fact that everyone else seemed to be getting it right, with their loving partners and little families.

And now I am 48 and I have two absolutely beautiful daughters, a job that's not all that bad and a bloke who is not only nice but wants to be nice to me.

:)

Thanks, Bonsoir.

If there is any advice I can give, it is to focus on getting and doing the things you really want but that are also within your grasp. There is no point investing huge amounts of energy in things you only have an outside chance of achieving. If you invest a lot in bringing up your DS (and lucky you to have him - I didn't even have a child at your age!), that will bring its own rewards and is very attractive to men! Nice men like devoted mothers!

Well, I certainly don't have the life I thought I would but I am feeling very happy and positive about what happens to me now, and in the future. I am concentrating on building a happy, satisfying life for me and my sons. If that one day includes a partner then that would be wonderful, but necessarily my aim.

Op, first, I wouldn't assume that those other lives that make you envious are perfect. Not in a dreadful you never know what goes on behind closed doors way (so poular with underachievers and here on MN ). But rather, that we all have to make compromises and sacrifices. Everyhting has its price iyswim.

Second, as bonsoir says, I wouldn't assume that it's too late. I didn't even begin my current career until I was your age. Hadn't even been a twinkle in my eye.

Third, concentrate on changing those things that you have control of. And then really make efforts to change and improve them. Proper lists/action plans etc.

Fourth, the things you have no control of...let go.

Bonsoir I read recently that French men find Mothers very alluring. I found that very charming.
All too often here in the UK, women with children are considered past their best, too mumsy for wont of a better word.

I wonder if French women's attitudes feed into this, in that they are much less bound up in their DC's lives? Generally they keep their career going and prioritise their relationship still, I believe.

Parisian women certainly don't let themselves go after DC - the only fat, frumpy and fleece-wrapped mothers at our school gate are foreign!

And, yes, there is a lot of prioritising of relationships (keeping le couple alive). Good thing too, IMO!

I'm 36 and feeling a bit like you do OP. Happy with amount of DC but split up last year from 10 year marriage and even stupidly feel a bit jealous when other mums at sxhool moan about their husbands. Have money issues which are intertwined with XH and so feel I can't be "free" yet and try and get on with my life, whatever it is.

Am "content" with my working life. But resent having basically given up what I was good at to help bring up the DC abd XH still has his job. And he has a relationship with someone else.

Did go on a date last weekend. Not a success (at least I can about it now though).

Just feel dispirited I think.

And I am thin and look quite nice. No fleeces here

Yesterday a relative informed me my life is Perfect.

Less than 5 years ago he would have described me as ... depressed, permanently single, childess, fat and my life as boring work work work

It's all changed now (except still fat unfortunately).

Keep searching for your 'good luck' you will find it.

I'm 40 BTW

I nearly posted a question very similar to this. I have also avoided meeting an old friend because I was so jealos of her. I have no real advice but I wanted you to know you are definitely not alone in having these feelings.