A year on from horrible breakdown...

[ManicPanic]

I just wanted to put this here partly as a thank you to madmouse and the many others who have helped me since last year.

I had a sheer drop into depression after my dad passed away in October 2010. I have never felt so terrified, down, alone and hopeless, and I hope I never do again!

After posting on mnet in desparation, I went to my GP, and wailed incoherently at him before being referred for emergency psych assessment the same day and some anti anxiety medication.

I had visits from the mental health nurses everyday at first, referred for counselling which took a while longer, and later I started on fluoxetine when it became obvious that it wasn't 'just' a short reactive depression.

Dh looked after me and dd(5) and I can never thank him enough for being there for me. Everytime he says he loves me I realise that he really does because of the way he just took over doing everything when I collapsed.

I did some more wailing on mumsnet and had a lot of tears and psychotherapy. My self esteem was and always had been non existant. I was raised by a woman who hated children and was unable to feel anything like empathy for others, she neglected me medically, treated me like crap... it's very hard to describe the way I was raised, it's unbelievable now that I used to think it was all 'normal' and that all parents hated their kids. That particular penny dropped when I had dd!

So one year on and I have just finished my last block of psychotherapy / counselling. I do have some self esteem and I recognise that it is important for me to develop that. I look at dd and I see the childhood I wish I'd had - but it makes me happy to see her happy and able to be a child and I am healed by that in itself.

I can see my good qualities now, I can accept a compliment without having to put myself down. And I just wanted to thank all you lovely people on here, who, although you may be under huge strain yourselves, still try to help others along their way.

I don't know what I would have done without you.

Just goes to show that even those of us who are royally fucked up, if you can let it all out (and god knows that's hard enough) and ask for help to get better, little by little you absolutely will get there, in time.

I never thought that I would be able to get past my issues and now I am ready to start living again.

Thanks for reading ,my gushing witterings! XXXX

What a truly lovely post - and one that will resonate with anyone who has had the misfortune to suffer with depression. So lovely to hear of a positive outcome and helpful to those suffering.

Me too think it's a great post - so unusual as well. It is impossible to describe to anyone who has not suffered severe depression how unbelievably awful you feel; in fact I didn't think you could still be alive and feeling so utterly dreadful and desparate.

SO glad to hear your story MP. MN MH threads has seen me through many a dark hour during the past 18 months.

Oh yes NanaNina you were one of the extra special people I wanted to thank!

I have a rubbish memory and I've lost me spreadsheet...

it is unbelievable that you can feel that bad and still be breathing, iykwim

Oh manic

But you've done at least as much for me!

Glad you're doing ok.

Comingto the end of yet another block of therapy myself and have just learned to say 'Despite all the abuse and all the suffering I still love and accept myself'. It took 15 minutes, lots of tears and stammering on Monday but it got out and I've been dutifully repeating it this week

No need for thanks Manicpanic - just wish there was a way that we could describe severe depression or severe PTSD or OCD or any other of the horrid mental illnesses to medics. I think these illnesses defy description and the only people who understand are ones who have experienced it. Ah well, one day there might be more known about brain disorder....

Hi Madmouse you have been through so much and so much therapy too, so do hope there will an even keel for you just around the corner. NN x

just passing through...lovely to hear someone who is managing and felt support on here was helpful.wishing you the best for the future

ManicPanic you sound like a very courageous person. Well done on making it through those dark days.

Thanks Grumpla - I think I felt about as courageous as a squashed mouse for most of the past year! Feeling lots better now though.

Aah - so lovely to read your post. Well done for coming so far :-)