Want to disappear ,got to go somewhere where i dont know.

[Pickafuckinnametheyhaventused]

I am cracking
Had to namechange as i know people on here will think oh theres so and so moaning and depressed again.
I feel like Michael Douglas in the film falling down,like i am going to explode.
I need to escape but too scared to go.
Where can i go ?
Just want to go away from everything i know.

what's up?
Feel free to vent on here. I find extra swearing helps me feel better

Why my lovely? Has something specific happened? Where are you now?

I dont cope well with small setbacks that wont bother 'normal' people.I cant stand feeling so shit from something that would merely be a disapointment to others.I am so angry inside i am raging.
I am sick of having to go to work ,school etc and pretend that i am ok.God how i want to escape my mundane routine.I finished work today for the weekend and i dont know how i will get through it.

Worst thing is my job involves being nice all the time and i dont want to be fuckin nice to anyone.
I am supposed to be seeing friends on sunday and i want to escape,thats what i do you see,i avoid.
I have to go to my kids school in the morning and i feel i wont be able to be false for long enough.I want to avoid everyone and everything i know.

I know how you feel

Dh had to leave work when dd was 9 months because I couldn't cope

I have to leave work last year because I couldn't take any knock to my confidence at all, I would be devastated constantly

I have friends that always cancel at the last minute and avoid social stuff, I wonder if they are feeling like you?

I find being around real live people very hard. i don't know what to do to make them like me!

Is there anyone you can just be yourself around? That's why I love the interweb, nice and safe behind my keyboard

There is noone

I wish i could become a missing person

I don't want you to go missing! You have children, honey? A nice GP or health visitor you can talk to? Surely letting someone else try to help would be better than feeling like this?

Samaritans are fantastic, I have used them myself, 08457 90 90 90 or go to www.samaritans.org

Can anyone tell me how i am supposed to get the kids to school? I am so close to the edge .
What can i do ?
Drive away?
walk away?

I feel like that often - just walking away, but I don't. I've felt like throwing myself under a vehicle, but I won't. You need help - gp or therapist or psychatriast. You need to let it out and vent. You need to talk to someone (and stuff them if they don't understand). Don't pretend to be happy - that's so difficult and makes things worse (I think). When I feel like that I mostly avoid eye contact so that I don't have to lie about how shit I feel. You don't have to chit chat with people if you don't want. With the right therapy or medication you'll get through it.

Have been driving round and been sat in the car since about 3.30 this afternoon.
Dh clearly doesnt give a toss about me,i told him how ill i felt and he could see the state i am in.What did i get ? nothing other than oh well you need to go back to the gp.Not a hug or a slither of compassion so i got mad and shouted because he doesnt care.Dd got upset and said she was calling childline because i said i was leaving.
He rang me while i was out and i answered and he tried to turn it round on me saying that i scare him when i shout etc.Well fucking good because i shout to get some attention and a bit of compassion.So i ended the call and he called back and because i have a shit phone it cut him off when i answered it.I have just crept in to find him fast asleep on the sofa which only proves to me how bothered he actually is.Where was the concern?

You know - you are NOT alone in feeling like this.

I for one understand.

You cannot disappear, because your dc need you.

Book a good GP appointment for monday and call in work ill.

Lie low this weekend. Have a movie weekend and do minimum to get by.

If dh can't understand, then he'll have to work it out for himself. Take care of you, and dc. Blot out negative comments - ignore them. Just don't respond to them. Cope in your own world till monday.

Tomorrow, can you drop off at school and go home?

I wish I was nearby to help you. I can really relate to what you have written. I now take happy pills and feel a bit better. Dh still doesn't get it and he's still no help. Be ready to do this yourself.

This will take time to sort out, so be realistic. Give yourself time to get better. You can carry on, and you will. You will be strong enough. You ARE strong enough.

Get some sleep too!!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thankyou for your kind words Sloppy
I really dont think that my dc like me
Unfortunately i cannot hide how i feel from them

I wish i could sleep but i cannot relax in this house
I cannot call in sick as i dont get paid if i do

I really really enjoyed being sealed in my car ,couldnt find anywhere to stop for long though so had to keep driving round.

dh has just realised i am back
The extent of his concern was "I should try and get some sleep"

WTF ?

Are you ok?
Where have you been ?
Do you want to talk?

Nah course not cos he dont give a shit about me
Do you know i wish i could die just to fucking spite him

No.

Your dc DO like you. You ARE their life.

I DO know how you feel. (pretty much exactly actually :( ).

tbh, I tend to forget/give up on dh and see myself as a single mum. Not good I know, but it's the way I got through this.

You = you and dc.

Bugger about work. Don't know what to say about that as my lovely gp signed me off work for a while which was great as a got the house to myself.

Please go and talk to someone professional. I cried an awful lot to my gp who was/is fab.

Honestly, there is another side to this.

It's a lovely day today - can you go out on a walk with kids and let them play whilst you just stand there. I don't know how old your dc are?

Write back please.

Ok well I'm sorry to say this (I've just come over here from your other thread) but you do have to hide how you're feeling from your DC - I understand that they are 6 and 10 and there is no way that it is appropriate for you to shout at your DP or talk about leaving in front of them. It will terrify them and it will cause all kinds of MH problems later on - I KNOW, I HAD A CHILDHOOD LIKE THIS AND SO DID MY DH.

I have been where you are. A few years ago my DH had to take weeks off work, and then we had to hire a nanny at VAST personal expense which nearly bankrupted us, because I was incapable of being on my own with the DCs - I couldn't even manage a couple of minutes, I was a complete wreck.

But I got myself better. I was lucky that I didn't need to take drugs because I found the right combination of therapies that worked, and I WANTED to get better, and I worked bloody hard at it. (however, it probably would have been a lot easier for me if I had taken the anti-depressants that were offered ... something for you to think about ...) I had a lovely GP and I did a lot of research on the internet to find something that would work.

Have you had a diagnosis of depression / anxiety or similar from your GP? - you mentioned going "back to the GP" so I assume you've already been ...?

I just wanted someone to listen to me and accept that I was feeling so desperate. Once that happened, it was up to me to decide whether I was going to get better or not.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You need to go to your GP (or get them to visit you at home if you are incapable of going to the surgery. They HAVE to come to visit you at home if you can't get there; just keep repeating the same thing to the receptionist until you get an appointment). Tell the GP everything.

Your DP is probably terrified and doesn't know how to react or what to do to help you.

Re your other thread: you will scar your DCs more by leaving them, and also you will scar yourself more by leaving them. I promise you that it won't be as simple as just walking away from your responsibilites and you'll suddenly feel better. It just doesn't work like that.

Again re your other thread:
"No point talking to docs as they only want to fill you with drugs.I tried calling yesterday and they couldnt even pass a message on for me to my gp."

There is every point in going to the doctor's as they can refer you to your local Mental Health services. You sound very angry and defensive, which is understandable; but without a diagnosis, how do you know what treatment you will need? You may well be able to get better without using drugs if you can get the right sort of therapy for you; on the other hand, you may need drugs but there is no stigma attached to this, and they will make you feel better if you are prescribed the right ones.

I understand exactly the feeling of wanting to "disappear" when severe depression hits us. Like you I have driven around and sat in the car for ages getting frozen. I also thought that if I walked and walked I would just curl up under a hedge and die. One day I stood on a railway bridge and wondered if I could climb up and jump off - then I scrambled through some wire fencing to get to the bank by the railway track and sat there wondering if I had the "courage" when the next train came along. Suicidal thoughts are very very common in severe depression, as is the desparate need to "get away" - I think we are trying to "get away" from ourselves as we are so terrified, but that isn't possible of course.

Think you have had good advice and really need to get more help and support as others have suggested. Just wanted you to know how much I understand the need to "get away" from yourself. The need to get away from loved ones, is I think related to the fact that they "will be better off without you" and this is the trick depression plays on us, tells us things about ourselves that aren't true.

A good friend told me that if we do commit suicide we pass on the pain that we are feeling to our loved ones, quite probably for the whole of their lives.

Please get more help and support - you deserve it - you are ill.

Think you are banging your head against a brick wall in trying to get your DH to show concern - he is either unable or unwilling to support you when you need it most. I know "talks" probably end up with you shouting at him. Could you write down, how you feel and what you need from him in simple terms, and let him read it. Just an idea.

Keep posting there is lots of support on here from those of us who have suffered from the torment of mental illness.

Pick - are you here???
How did you get through today? You ok?

I'm worried about you.

Let us know you're here. We can support you through this. Hugs and tissues and lots of listening available on MN.

xx

Thanks for the posts

Sorry i went to my mums last night and managed to find some of my Diazepam so feeling calmer .
Feeling very drained and tired though today.