Not bulimic but keep making myself throw up.

[sickbint]

Hi, I feel so stupid writing this down but I need to stop doing this to myself and I don't know where to turn or how to get help.
Firstly, I am diagnosed bi-polar, take my meds, and they've been working fine untl recently. I have a long history of self harm in the past, but haven't cut for a good many years now. I also suffer (or should I say suffered?) from severe emetophobia for as long as I can remember.

A month or so back, totally out of the blue, and I wasn't aware that I felt depressed, I took an OD of my meds. Not enough to kill me, but enough to make me feel very ill. I spent the next day dry heaving. I think my body had forgotten how to puke as it had been so long, about 20 odd years since I last was sick, and I felt so ill that day that I actually kind of wanted to vomit. As much to punish myself as anything I think.

anyway, since then, I have been doing all sorts of things to try to make myself throw up, fingers down throat, salty water, lots of milk, eating foods I hate, drinking ultra weak tea and coffee with too much milk and lots of sugar, when I HATE sweet weak brews, and even drank washing up liquid one day. After about a week I managed to throw up successfully, but now I am vomiting almost everything that I put into my stomach, at least 3 times a day. I can spew copious amounts now too....

I think I've become addicted to it. I still hate being sick, but it's like I feel compelled to do this to myself. All I think about is the next vom session, and planning it, and making excuses to be on my own etc. It's taken over my life so quickly.

I keep promising myself not to do it again, but now when I eat I just get such a strong urge to purge myself. I'm not bulimic, have never had an eating disorder, I'm quite happy with my weight, this is more a self-harm issue/self-punishment issue I think, but one that has got out of control.

So any advice on how to stop this please would be very welcome. I don't think willpower alone will help.

It might not be bulimia - I'm no expert - but it's having the same effect on your body. Have you spoken to your GP about it?

I've not spoken to anyone about it, I'm too ashamed to, plus I absolutely dread my dh finding out about this.

It does sound like you're trying to exert some control over your body. You need to speak to someone before you make yourself really ill.

First of all, EDs are not about weight. I am anorexic and hate the way I look when I spiral. Its about control, enjoying that feeling. In many ways you become addicted to punishing your body. You need to see a specialist. You are poisoning your body and the long term effects could be catastrophic.

Call B-eat, and see your GP. You will need a referral to a EDT team and specialist help.

First of all, EDs are not about weight. I am anorexic and hate the way I look when I spiral. Its about control, enjoying that feeling. In many ways you become addicted to punishing your body. You need to see a specialist. You are poisoning your body and the long term effects could be catastrophic.

Call B-eat, and see your GP. You will need a referral to a EDT team and specialist help.

Thanks :)

lissielou, what's B-eat?

You said it yourself "I don't think willpower alone will help." So you need to get some real life help - no advice or tips anyone posts on here will make any difference because ultimately you would need willpower to carry them through.

Sorry if what I wrote sounds blunt, but you really really need to speak to a health professional before you do some lasting damage to yourself.

I've googled now, thank you.

oh, I take that back - a bit. Lissilou's advice is excellent

I know HuwEdwards, I just feel so ashamed to approach anyone to make that first step, kwim?

I know that in the long term it can do so much damage to my body, wreck my teeth etc, but the urge to make myself sick is stronger than my care about what it is doing to me.

I will maybe tell my gp, I have to make an appt anyway to see about upping my meds. Thanks.

You may not consider yourself to be bulimic but any doctor you see will probably diagnose EDNOS- Eating disorder not otherwise specified. You really must get some help with this. You've hit the nail on the head when you say it's addictive behaviour. It is. I remember my ED therapist explaining to me that vomitting so much actually alters your state of mind, and now I'm not in that place anymore I can see she was right. You do it because somehow it feels good, it fulfils a purpose, if it didn;t you wouldn't be doing it. Have you had any kind of therapy? CBT helped me a lot, first to understand my issues (not just ED related, also anxiety and depression and a few other things as well) and then to learn to deal with them.

Sorry, am on phone so can't do links easily.

You can manage this, but as huw says, tips on the internet won't do the trick. Cognitive therapy is incredibly helpful with bulimia. But I don't want to say "this will work" or "try this" because I don't know what to suggest. Treatment varies so much from therapist to therapist, let alone patient to patient.

Sorry, am on phone so can't do links easily.

You can manage this, but as huw says, tips on the internet won't do the trick. Cognitive therapy is incredibly helpful with bulimia. But I don't want to say "this will work" or "try this" because I don't know what to suggest. Treatment varies so much from therapist to therapist, let alone patient to patient.

Thanks fuckityfuckfuckfuck, i've had CBT in the past for my mood swings but I didn't find it helpful, it may be different for something more specific like this though. It's definitely mind altering isn't it?! I feel really strange actually, sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way, but definitely a bit other-worldly.

Thanks too Lissielou. I'm touched that you have all been so kind and not slated me for this. I feel dirty and ashamed and not deserving of kindness right now.

You are not dirty, and have no reason to feel ashamed. Its hard, and sometimes you do whatever you can to get through the day. But this is not good for you, you need help to break the cycle.

Well I did tell my dh, I told him my head was pretty fucked atm, which he already knew, and then I just told him about it. He said he wasn't at all surprised, considering things I've done in the past, I seem to have a recurring habit of doing silly and dangerous things :(

Anyway, he was very kind to me, extremely upset though, but has said he will make me a docs appt himself and come with me, so that's good I reckon.

I think yesterday I was just reaching out for help because I scared myself at the severity of my puking. I know I need help, and will hopefully be getting some very soon.

Thanks again for your kind replies :)

I'm really glad dh is supportive. Ask for a specific referral to an eating distress team.

Yoou can get past this.

And I admire you so much for putting your hand up x

I'm really glad dh is supportive. Ask for a specific referral to an eating distress team.

Yoou can get past this.

And I admire you so much for putting your hand up x

I'm a kid my family think I'm bulimic bc I throw up after every meal I eat and I can not help it explain... ?