Child abuse, mental health and Obesity

[OTTMummA]

Hello,
Just wanted to get some things out, and here i am anonymous to a certain extent.
I am not sure exactly what i want to achieve here, i just need to get it out.

I am nearly 30, and i am expecting my second child in July, pregnancy is not a joyful ride for me at all, i am basically immobilised at some point, and in considerable pain for most of the duration.

I also suffer from anxiety, depression, and OCD.

These have been more managable for the last year until recently, i am now starting to feel quite down about having another baby, especially since i am still obese, which contribute to my health problems.
I was loosing weight last year, and became pregnant before i had reached a healthy weight, i have only put on 2lbs since october so i am not gorging on food, most likely down to nausea etc, but i have had problems with food for a long time, since i was about 6-7 years old.

When i was 3-5 i had to live in a women refuge with my mum and siblings, and remember food not being particulary abundant, and having odd parings with food because that is all we had available, and at times being told off for dropping or spiling food/drink - i was a very clumsy child.

When we moved into our own house (i was about 7) mum got a new b/f who i didn't like, when mum wasn't around he would take my pants down and put me over his knee, slap my bum for ages, pull my pants back up and then kiss me on the head, walk off and would act normal again, this went on for a few years until one day he put me over his knee and and mum walked in on him squeezing my bum cheeks, mum asked what was going on, and he told her i had broken one of his cd's and he was punishing me, she didn't shout or have a go, just told me to go downstairs, all i know is that his behaviour changed after that, i was 9yrs old when it stopped.

During the time this was going on i had stopped eating properly, my behaviour was disruptive, and was lashing out at my mum, siblings etc.

I think this is where most of my food issues come from, i remember i started to steal and hide food under my bed, so much that my mum took my bed away, and i had to sleep on the floor on a matteress so i couldn't hide away food so easily etc.
I still did it, i tore up a piece of carpet under my matteress and packed in things that were wrapped up, non perishable etc, i wouldn't eat them, i would just steal and hoard it.
I was also refered to SS when my teacher at primary noticed i was sick often after eating dinner, not secretly, but just after eating at the table i would vomit it all back up, with no prompting, i just couldn't keep it down.
I was loosing weight, and i wasn't a fat child to start with.

After having SS involved and the doctor, i remember being given things to eat that were easy for me, i wouldn't eat hot food, so i lived on cereal, yoghurts, tinned fruit etc, I also started staying at my nans quite often, as i would eat more meal type foods at her house, im not sure why, but i felt safe, and happy there.

I was quite a troubled child and teenager ended up in care after my mum couldn't cope with me anymore, self harmed etc, i have been sexually assulted, and raped more times than i choose to remember from the ages of 7-18, in the past i have thought it has been my fault, as i am the common denominator, i rarely tell people apart from HCP, infact no one person knows about all of these incidents, because i doubt they would believe it could happen, but they did, and i feel that i am still punishing myself years on, i don't know why i am still doing this to myself, i am a smart woman, yet i continually sabotage my efforts to get back to myself again.

Now i am pregnant again i feel that for my own sake and my childrens i need to find my way back to ME again, i am so sick of looking at myself and seeing some damaged obese loser with no confidence.

I am also fearing that this baby will be a girl, and i want to have a decent relationship with her, my own relationship with my mother ( who was diagnosed as schizophrenic since i was put into care ) is not great, there have been years where we have not talked, we have been on better terms since i moved away, and had a child, and whilst i still resent her in some ways, i refuse to confront her about my childhood because i don't feel able to, and i don't want her MH to suffer either.

So as you can see, im quite royally fu*ked up! i know none of this makes sense, and i am not really asking anything, i just really want to take a step to feeling better, losing some weight, but am not sure where to start because of such a messed up history IYKWIM.

Any insight would be great, any help would be lovely, and if you managed to read my ramblings, thank you.

It sounds as if you have had a really tough start to life and I cannot imagine how that has been for you.
The fact that you recognise your problems and the relationship with food I would say is a great starting point as I believe that an awareness is a large part of the battle.

I also believe that you need to be nice to yourself in order to help you achieve those things you want to achieve. It sounds as if this is not something that you have had a lot of experience of from others in the past.

Just know that there are those out there who will care but you have to let them. Remember that if you take time for yourself, even 10 minutes to read a magazine and have a cuppa, that is beginning to care for yourself.

I am certainly no expert and I would make sure that you take any support out there that is offered to you. Speak to your midwife and make sure that she is aware of your issues and she may be able to help. :)

I know i need to get some help, talk about it, but i have become so detached in a way that i don't really think much about my past, i try and keep busy, but physically i can not do that, because of medical problems.
I think that is why i am thinking about it more recently, i am off sick, so have time for my mind to tick over etc, eating also i think is a coping mechanism, i eat for comfort, to distract myself from thinking IYKWIM.
It is also the only thing i have constantly had that i am in control off, but have gone from being underweight to morbidly obese, which i can't quite get my head around.

I have tried in the past, have had a few therapy sessions, but never follow them through etc, as soon as i start talking face to face, i am incoherant and don't know where to start, i can't stop crying, which i also don't like, i don't like feeling out of control.

I think i may type a letter and take that to my MW or GP, would they read it?
I'm just so sick of having to keep going back on and off meds, the same cycle over, and over.

Everything you said here has made sense.

I do understand where you are coming from and I believe every word.

You are not a loser, far from it. You have had a horrendous time, and it has taken it's toll on you and effected the way you feel about yourself - all those feelings of shame, hurt, anger are very much part of the abuse you suffered.

Starting to write about it on here and to your GP etc is a really good start. It does take a lot of courage but I can see that you have plenty of that!

I don't know if you will want to do this, and it took me a loooong time before I felt ready, but have you thought about writing a letter to your past abuser / mother, then keeping it? Tell them what you want to say the most (for me it was saying 'you did this to me and that caused me to feel blah blah). Also feel free to swear and curse in the letters if you want - I called my abuser some wonderfully inventive names, it was quite liberating.

Would you consider giving counselling a go (with the right counsellor that you can feel comfortable with)

Hi manic, i have written down my feelings and what has happened to me before, i always used to throw them into the sea, i haven't done that for over 10 years since i moved away.
I would consider counselling, definately, but feel extremley vunerable when i start to talk about my past, i have built up quite a front, people i have made friends with can't believe i haven't had a lovely childhood because of the way i present my life, i am well spoken, have a degree (not that i use it!) and have done well for myself in certain areas, not that these mean anything, but perceptions and expectations mean a lot.
Therefore, i feel sometimes as if i have deliberatly made it hard for myself to open up, my background doesn't fit with how i appear to be, if that makes sense .
I know though, that if i can't spend time with myself for a few days without starting to become aggitated and anxious, then my 'front' is slowly falling apart, i know, that soon i will no longer be able to keep this up, and i don't want to breakdown, i need to start this off properly, and finish it this time.

It's just hard, and i feel uncomfortable and frightend about what i will become after i finish this, i don't want to end up like me mum.

I don't think you will end up like yer mum, love. The very fact that you are aware of it and on the lookout for it speaks for itself.

Love the idea of casting letters out to sea!

Do you feel like if you cry about it, you won't be able to stop? I felt like that. It does help to let it out though - but I know it feels 'wrong' because we are meant to Move On and Forget About It and above all Not Live In The Past. Doesn't matter how hard you shove it under the bed, it'll escape! Blummin thing...

yes, pretty much sums it up, i feel like i have left it too long, and that really i shouldn't be dragging stuff up, part of me has moved on, so why can't all of me do that?

And yes, i find it very hard to stop crying once i start, i don't usually let anyone see me cry, sometimes i have an extra long shower and do it in there, put a facial on after, it's silly really, i know, but i can't stand that look people have when they know your upset.

I was told that crying / being upset or emotional was 'weak' - so I try to cover it up too...

If all these feelings are coming up again for you, then it is (imo) a sign that you need to look at it.

OTT you will feel very vulnerable when you start talking about your past, that's why you need to build up a good and safe relationship with a counsellor before you open up. You are not expected to tell straight away. You can't. When I started talking it was to a friend who I had come to trust, on facebook. Then when I progressed to face to face I first only threw out bits and pieces, snapshots, half a hint hoping the person I was talking to would get it. I only told me whole story a year and a half into therapy.

From experience I would say eat as well as you can but don't focus on your weight right now if you can. It's a result of what has happened to you, not the main issue.

By the way you are an amazingly strong survivor - what you have made for yourself, your degree, work and family, is real, a real achievement that you can build upon.

I agree counselling would be a good thing for you. When abuse happens in childhood, children tend to take responsibility for it as they are unable to rationise why adults ,especially the ones they expect to look after them, would harm them and most children believe it's because they themselves are bad. A good counsellor will beable to work with you to unburden yourself of this responsibility, to enable you to see yourself as that frightened child and to release and deal with the emotions you have been feeling all these years. It's really common for these feeling to resurface with an avengence when we have our own children and they do need to be explored and bought to a conclusion if we are to move on with our lives. I recommend you speak with your GP who will beable to refer you to a counsellor on NHS or to an organisation such as MIND.

I agree with the counselling suggestion which has worked for me in the past although my problems are different to yours.
As madmouse says, look after yourself and get some professional help and you will conquer this.