How do I help my DH and then in turn myself?

[alp]

A bit of a step posting this online but here goes!

My DH was diagnosed with depression approx 18months ago - looking back it had been 'there' for a while but it wasn't until we had a burgulary and DHs severe reaction to it that we went to the Drs and he was diagnosed.

He started off on 10mg of citlopram and within the weeks felt, looked and acted much better since then 18 months ago I feel we are further into depression and are still battling it.

He started CBT and these sessions made him (initially) come crashing down meaning he was returning from work sobbing, would go to bed earlier and earlier and generally become more and more introverted. But after a while (and an increase of medication) he grew to like the sessions and felt they were a helpful part of his treatment. He had the 6 sessions on the NHS and 1 follow up but since hasn't continued mainly as we don't have the money at the moment to fund it.

He has put in place a exercise regieme to allow him some 'head space' bought a bike and cycles to work everyday.

But the depression keeps coming back almost worse than before iyswim, last March he was signed off for a month and his citlopram was put on 40mg - He is now on 30mg and has been for the past 4-6months.

We are facing some financial worries - his company is struggling and he is to get paid a quarter of his usual wage for the next 3 months at least.

He had a review with the Dr last week and said he was running on adrenaline and for everyone to be aware as the low from this abnormal high will be low and almost like a 'cliff face'. Other than that she offered no further advice.

So, what do I do? I feel as if I am living with a ticking time bomb not knowing when it will explode - I almost feel like my life is on hold or that I am here only to look after DCs, DH and the bloody dog.

Sorry for the long post - I have never off loaded this all before so apologises if it is all a bit jumbled

Reverse the title of this post - start looking after yourself today. It's frigging hard dealing with a partner who is like that. What can you put in place to make yourself feel better. Who can you talk to, what do you enjoy doing? If he can cycle and work he can also cook every now and then and stick the washing on.

Not sure what doctor meant with that comment. I ran on adrenaline for a few years (PTSD does that to you) and the come down was fairly gentle, I got a bit low but managed it with St Johnswort (Not under any circumstances to be combined with ADs - just saying!!!). So the cliff face is by no means a certain.

Were you there when she said it? Can you both go back for clarification?

Yes I should turn the title around! I just feel that I can't and I need to be here to support but it's a thankless task.

I do have 2 evenings a week where I can go and run which is my thing and my chance to have headspace.

I was thinking of going back to the Drs and seeing if she can explain further although I am pleased to see that a cliff face can have an easy route too.

As I said i had PTSD but I also have a lot of experience with depression as my dh has had that for many years.

The biggest eye opener ever for me was realising that yes dh could not help being depressed but that didn't mean I could be expected to cope with it easily!

Madmouse - thank you! But do you worry that if you can't cope easily you then are letting DH down, making it more difficult for the kids etx etc. Perhaps it is already showing affects/effects (never remember which one is right!) but I haven't admitted it yet.

It's mainly the waiting that gets me. Waiting for depression to be over or waiting for the next bout to hit. Constantly thinking 'will that be ok with DH' before I do anything/accept an invite etc

No I don't really worry about it - I found that if I make space for me we both cope better with his depression because I lose the resentment. Also expecting him to look after me and make space for me has kept our marriage balanced and has stopped me being his 'carer' (he was depressed when we were dating...) Now dh is doing well now because after 12 years he finally accepted he needed ADs and therapy 3 years ago and has worked through everything and is now just starting to come off ADs, so he hasn't been depressed as such for ages, but he has Aspergers traits and a very demanding job so needs a lot of space so I'm quite used to going places and seeing people by myself or with ds.

The resentment. That's the exact feeling.

We will get there. When you are in the thick of it, it's hard going.

Thanks again

Cut out as much sugar and refined flour from your diet as you can. Both cause depression. Alcohol and instant coffee too.

There is nothing wrong with having moments of depression, it is perfectly healthy...cos life is mostly a crock of shite. the problem comes when society thinks it is something to run away from. I say, when you're feeling low, sit about, read a good book and revel in the misery! stop fighting it and get down and dirty with the blues.

clarykitten you may want to take that unhelpful nonsense to a different place.

We all know sugar can affect mood, but it doesn't cause depression.

Depression is an illness which has nothing to do with 'moments of depression'.

I suggest you stop posting until you've looked up what depression actually is.

madmouse a coffee and a cake is my treat - if that goes there will be nothing left!!!!

alp, I know what you are talking about. "Constantly thinking 'will that be ok with DH' before I do anything/accept an invite etc" - Oh yes that's me too - for far too long.

DH has been depressed for 4 years, seeing GP, receiving ADs, seeing a Community Psychiatric Nurse regularly (etc). He is also suicidal (2 attempts so far). I've posted on various MN threads and other forums because I need help coping. I am currently seeing a counsellor on my own. She has some very wise advice, including: get out on your own more (you are doing better than me on that front - keep it up!), and "guard against becoming his carer". This last one is vital. You are not responsible for his illness, treatment or recovery. As has already been said, your primary responsibility is to yourself.

madmouse - inform yourself of the facts. Read 'Sugar Blues' by William Dufty.

Depression is a modern disease there is a modern cause.

clarykitten facts are my job. One book does not make facts, it makes an opinion. Dufty has been discredited for good reason.

And let me tell you that my dh's deep depression was more caused by being trashed around by his stepdad as a young boy than by the refined carbs he doesn't actually consume .

Potatoes Not Prozac - Kathleen Desmasons.

You cannot help your h because that is something he and his medical team can do. You can support him and you can help yourself.

You can accept invites for you and dc and give h option to go or not. Don't put your life on hold.

Read "depression fallout " by Anne Sheffield
And talk to a counsellor yourself about boundary setting .

Contact MIND locally for free or reduced price sessions for him.

Have breaks eg he goes to stay with a relative for a weekend.

Make sure dc also spend time around happy non-depressed people

There is a good chapter in Anne Sheffield book on impact on dc and how to mitigate the long term affects

Living with a Black Dog [Paperback]
Matthew Johnstone (Author)
Is good too and

How You Can Survive When They're Depressed : Living and Coping with Depression Fallout [Paperback]
Anne Sheffield (Author)
8.53 on amazon.

Family therapist used to tell (now ex)p to "own" his depression
It is his depression and illness don't make it yours tho you can be supportive of course.

(exp had many traits not explained by his depression and mh which led to separation a counsellor can help you sort out in your head what is explainable by depression and what is not and how by you setting boundaries you can live with his illness. Knowing when is ok to
LEave him alone with it and go out with dc for example

cestlavielife Thank you!! Those books look great - I have the Black Dog books - One for me and one for DH - Infact I bought them to try to see what hes going through and for him to see what its like for me. I think I should dig them back out.

Knowing that I need to get on with my life is a good thing and feels like a relief that that is what i am supposed to do

DH is going away for a weekend soon so that will be good for all of us. although i am already worrying if he'll be OK and having a resentful feeling that he is going away and i am here with the DCs

I will look into the MIND sessions

Thanks so much

'Knowing that I need to get on with my life is a good thing and feels like a relief that that is what i am supposed to do'

That is good to hear and very important!

It's very difficult to put yourself first when you are caring for and worrying about someone else. But you must, otherwise you'll be no use to DH.

And I agree that all you can do is love and support your DH. But make sure you continue to have your own things to do and that you continue your life. I hope your DH feels brighter soon - I know that will help you feel better too.

Depression is not modern disease its as old as man,and documented by Socrates and numerous others over centuries

And no potatoes,won't alleviate mental illness or mood disorder

Talking
Adequate Activity level
Monitored meds
Family support
Staff intervention will all go long way

Op have you looked into any carers support network locally?
Do you get time and space to think how this impacts upon you?it is a really difficult time

I find one of the hardest things at the moment is the just not knowing from one day to the next what dh's mood level will be. I can relate to the 'living in limbo' feeling mentioned somewhere.

In dh's case this 'episode' started beginning December, he's been off work nearly 8 weeks now. Started new type of ad, I thought he'd have settled into that by now and really thought things were on the up, especially a few days ago when he felt almost 'normal' as he said, for the first time in ages.

But yesterday he was really low again. Today he made a supreme effort to get out on bike with mates again (is a keen cyclist), but this afternoon has plummetted again, feeling anxious and scared (his is anxiety more than depression), unable to do anything with dc. Wonder if that could be an ironic result of the return to exercise?

I can feel myself getting more fed up with him and losing my patience. Sometimes I feel like telling him to stop being such a wet nelly when he starts being tearful.

I think it's partly to do with him going to see mil and me being angry about that as they have offered b*r all support yet expect him to grovel with appreciation at being asked up for a bowl of soup. She hasn't bothered to phone ME once since xmas to ask how things are/I am. She told a good friend of ours she thinks the reason for dh depression is ds2's behaviour he's a NORMAL 4 yrs old ffs. If only she knew dh counsellor said 'ah we're getting to the nub of the matter' when dh started talking about his mother...

Sorry for rant. Dh gone to bed ages ago (as per) and I'm on well deserved glass of vino...

puddinghead Are you me??

Especially the ILs things - although my MIL isn't too bad and did give DH some money so he can go on a weekend away not worrying about spending too much (his annual lads trip booked and paid for ages ago now we are having money worries)

But when seeing counsellor DH said it was often centred around his Dad.

DH had a lie in this morning not because he asked but because he didn't get out
Of bed and

But he did come out with us today and did agree to going to my DBs for dinner which usually winds him up