Dark thoughts in pregnancy

[Hulagirl]

Just need to put this all down somewhere...

I am 10 weeks pregnant. DP and I have been together for 15 months. It was all going so slowly in our relationship- a first for me as I tend to rush in and then either the man or I panics and we split up. It was brillant. Just two months after telling each other we loved each other, we started talking about kids, and 'egging each other on' as we both wanted kids but were worried it would be hard for us to conceive (both mid-thirties). Three unprotected times. First two, we panicked and I took MAP. Third, we agreed to let nature take its course. Then in days that followed, we realised we weren't ready in our relationship, and agreed never to do that again for a long time. But too late to take MAP at that point. Positive pregnancy test resulting from that one time. Test taken at Waterloo station on 4 December!

DP a bit apprehensive but happy overall. Me- ever-increasing panic. Had abortion booked but couldn't go through with it- what if this was my only chance of a baby? But it's a long way from not having the balls to have an abortion to being happy about the baby. I am from v religious background, and I can't believe I'm in this position when I'm not married- I hate myself. Telling my family will be a problem for the same reasons. Too scared to tell all but a few- those I have told are sad for me as they know this is not the way I wanted it. On the surface I've had it all- material wealth, own house, good job, just graduated from Masters course.

But underneath is a history of anxiety, resulting from complicated relationship with parents. Took anti-deps for a while last year. Still seeing therapist, but though he's been great I don't feel like he understands this situation very well.

I am so scared. I don't cope with change well, and I can't handle the idea of everything changing all at once. I have betrayed my own beliefs and messed up the opportunity to let all develop naturally in my relationship- and after many painful relationship fuck-ups this is really important to me. We are not ready to get married, but I hate the idea of having an illegitimate child.

I am getting more and more depressed. I cry lots, and can't get motivated to do much. I try to make an effort for DP but if I'm not with him I'm really down. The me that was happy and carefree and in love seems so long ago. I am obsessing about miscarriage- not doing anything to prompt it but I wish for it every day (sorry, sick I know). I can't look forward to having a baby- I don't feel ready. I look forward to life post-miscarriage in the way that 'normal' mothers to be look forward to holding their baby for the first time. All this makes me think maybe an abortion would be the best for me after all. I mentioned antenatal depression when I went to the GP a while ago but he didn't really pick up on it. Mentioned it again when I went to see midwife for booking in last week but she said to go and see gp, so I guess I will have to go back. It's hard for me to get time off work to keep going to dr.

I am sitting here watching Midwives (prob not best choice of viewing) and just screaming in my head 'I DON'T WANT TO BE HOLDING A BABY COME AUGUST'. But I know I have wanted a baby for years. I am so angry with myself for being so cavalier about making a baby. I feel such a wimp when under 'Pregnancy' thread a poor girl is posting who is 21 and without supportive friends or family. But she wants her baby. I need the life inside me to go away so I can calm down and stop the panic.

It is not to late to book that abortion you know

Have been in 2 minds about posting here as dont want to dredge up my past, but I have been where you are and I feel really bad for you.

No it is not too late but I think you need to seriously examine why you are considering termination- ie anxiety, fear of change and worries about not being married etc (does anyone really still use the term illegitimate anymore??) and ask yourself if, when you look back in the future these will be reasons that you can live with for not becoming a mother.

There is SO much I could say to you hulagirl and will share my story if you think it would- help pm me if you still need support with this.

Hi RM,

Thanks so much for your post.

I haven't gone through with a termination- I know I couldn't but I go back to thinking about it every time I'm too scared to think about the future. It's for all the reasons you mention- I hate change, my anxiety has gone through the roof, I am not ready in my relationship (we don't even live in the same county), and I like- need- order in my life. But I have finally let go of thinking of an abortion because I know these reasons aren't enough to take away a life.

I've talked to a Care Confidential counsellor who is brilliant. But I'm seeing my mum later today and this is prob one of the last times I can get away with not telling her, as I'm nearly 12 weeks. Scan next week. Going to wait till after then to tell her, and want my boyfriend to be there too to support me.

I have got to grow up- I live in a small town where my family is a huge part of the local church community. I have grown up with the idea that I must be an honorable part of that community and please other people. But now I have to concentrate on the fact I've got a brilliant boyfriend who is sticking with me, and that I did want a baby in my life.

I don't want to upset you by asking you to dredge up things from your past, but if you choose to tell me I would be really interested to hear how you dealt with your situation.

Hula
xx

Hula you are very courageous and I'm on a very personal and not necessarily terribly relevant level very pleased that you are keeping the baby.

You mention the church community. I'm a Christian (and for my sins a vicar's wife) and I just wanted to say that you won't be the first Christian (if you actually hold a personal faith?) to have a baby outside marriage and you won't be the last. And any Christian judging you for it needs to have a close look at themselves and at the Bible, especially the bits about not judging others because you won't be too sorted yourself if you look honestly.

Wishing you all the best

Oh I'm so glad to hear from you again, was worried you just read the first reply you got and were frightened off.

You are not alone my dear, and you can get through this- its fear and anxiety tellling you the pregnancy isn't right because its such a massive thing and thinking about it is a totally different thing from it actually happening- its a shock when you weren't expecting it to happen so quickly. I fantasised about having a baby for many years and when I did get pregnant I felt like you as well- terrified, panicked and unsure and it totally shocked me that I felt like that. I got through it though and so can you x

Will pm you more details.