I feel like I am at breaking point.

[spingey]

I know I am suffering from depression, I just dont know what to do about it.

I have had it before and tried various forms of treatment which I found made things worse that better. AD's made me suicidal and whilst counciling helped with my anxiety I was still depressed.
I know that in my case depression is caused by physical things around me rather than it being chemical...if that makes sense.

Today I have slept all morning. The house looks like horrendous and Im sick of living like this. Im barely eating but piling on weight, i feel like a whale, I look in the mirror and Im disgusted with with myself. I look awful and I feel ashamed that I cant shake this off and pull myself together.
The kids must be feeling crap from me feeling like this too. All I seem to do is shout.
Im purposly late to pick ds up from school because I dont want to stop and talk with the other parents and act like everything is ok.
I cant sleep at night and have constant back pain and Im sure that is one of the things that is making things snowball out of control. I have been to the dr before about not sleeping but he refused to give me sleeping pills because Im a single parent and he said it would be dangerous for me to be knocked out with 2 kids in the house on my own.
The state of the house is really getting to me, not only the mess but the decoration. there are 101 unfinished diy projects around the house I havent got the energy or the money to finish them.

My mum has been telling me for weeks that she thinks Im depressed again and I know I am but what I really want is for her to turn around and say, You are depressed, lets get this sorted let me help you. I hate my life. I have 2 amazing kids who bring so much into my life and I still cant shake this off for their sake. I dont want to carry on anymore. Im not the type to go do something stupid....Im just so tired of the same shit every single day of the week, Im tired of doing it alone.

Of course you are fed up... Dealing with depression is a total bugger.

But there is help. Go to your GP. If you can, print off this post so they have how you feel in writing. Don't rule out ADs as there are lots f different types, even within the same type they can function differently. Even if your situation is what is contributing to your depression it still throws your brain chemistry out of whack so drugs may be the answer. Talk to you GP...

What kind of counselling did you have? Again there are lots of different types. CBT is very good at helping you climb out of the pit of despair. You can do it online free with MoodGym or get it on the NHS.

Even before all of that, something you can do right now is get outside and move around. Fresh air and moving around will help clear our head even if it's just for a few minutes. If you can feel better fora few minutes you can feel better or an hour, then a day, then a week... There is a way out of the pit for you and your DCs.

You say ADs made you suicidal - some types of ADs can do this for a few days/weeks while you settle on them, but there are others you can try. Funnily enough some of the older tricyclic ADs don't cause this as a side effects.

It sounds like you could do worse than try ADs again. Sleeping pills won't help - they just get you addicted to sleeping pills and no further to feeling better.

Also ask to be referred for counselling again.

Thanks for the replys.

I feel so ashamed that I have it again....why does it keep coming back. I can always feel it creeping up on me and see little things that warn me and I try my best to make things better but this time I just couldnt do it.

Was looking forward to a day to myself today. Managed to do some housework this morning so the kitchen is clean and the living room is getting there....however my sister has just called demanding that I go and get her some shopping from tesco. She had a baby on wednesday and forgot to buy a bottle brush. this means I have to drive right across the other side of town....I know she is going to get me in her house and expect me to stay for hours and will probably try and make me do her housework. I know I sound so selfish given that she has just had a baby but I can barely take care of myself and my 2 children without taking on her responsibilities..... I suggested she get her dp to go for her and that resulted in me being yelled at.

Im so exhausted. Right now I feel so totally alone. My family have been a great support to me in the past but at the moment they literally only call me to ask for stuff or to moan at me. I can not remember the last time one of them called me just to see how I am.

I was on citalopram before.....I can not tell you how close I came to hurting myself. They literally turned me into a zombie, emotionless and cold and I guess that has freaked me out a bit in trying different ones.
My mum has been depressed for as long as I can remember, she has always been on ad's. I just dont want my kids memories of their childhood to be clouded with my mood swings and me always being tired. I cooked some proper food last night and ate a decent meal for the first time in ages. It did help with my mood when I got up this morning although that plummeted when my sister called me. Im going to try and pluck up the courage to go to the dr on monday, or maybe just call him. He has said in the past that I can make a telephone appointment if Im struggling. I just feel really ashamed.

I just wish there was someone in rl I could talk to or someone who could just put me as their no.1 priority. I feel like Im propping everyone else up whilst Im falling to pieces and no one actually thinks about me. Right now I really dont feel like I have anyone. I have stopped contacting my family because they just make me more stressed, I have left it up to them to contact me. No one has noticed me slipping back into the shadows. maybe Im being selfish expecting them to help and support me, after all they have their own lives to get on with. Just hurts when I am expected to do so much for them and get very little in return.

sorry for moaning so much.

I have bipolar and can relate to the depression side of things. Doesn't matter whether it's chemical or outside influences - depression sucks. I'm also a single mum with 2 challenging DC and sometimes I think I'd sooner be involved in an accident rather than having to prepare their dinner! That sounds silly doesn't it? Try not to do so much for other people and learn to say no because you are probably stretching yourself. Don't worry about all the projects and housework you've got to do - tackle the housework and diy in zones, if you can have one sparkly area in the house is going to raise your self esteem. Don't know what to suggest about the anti-depressants though. It's a shame you can't get something to help you sleep! Can't be of much help but I hope you feel better soon. Hugs x

today didnt go as bad as I thoguht. then it plumeted.....I just dont want to be here anymore. whats the point??? I hate every moment of it, no one around me cares enough to even treat me like a human being. Im just done with everything. if the kids hadnt been in the car earlier then I would have floored the accelorator and driven into a wall.

I'm sorry it feels like no one is there for you, it must be really hard. Have you told your family just how bad things are for you? I think you need to go and see your GP next week, and be honest about how you feel.
Depression can be triggered by circumstances, but once it is triggered you may still benefit from medication to correct chemical imbalances in the brain. You know that you can get through it, and feel that life is worth living again.
I hope you manage to sleep a bit better over the weekend x

Hang in there sweetheart.... GP sounds like a really good idea right now.

If your family are being energy and emtional vampires then keep yourself clear for now. You need to be your priority.

Have you ever thought about finding support brought a depression support group? Some are run by the NHS but there are also details on here - www.depressionalliance.org/how-we-can-help/self-help-groups.php? I know reaching out when you're low is hard, but meeting other people in similar situations might help you feel not so alone.

On the cyclical nature of depression.... Some people will have a one off bout, whilst others will find it creeping back from time to time. It's crap, but it s normal. If you can find some ADs that work there s nothing wrong with being on them long term (I've been on Citalopram for 10 years). No shame at all. If not I'm sure with some help you'll find a way of coping.

Your DCs love you, no matter what you can always focus on that.

I feel quite hurt from the way my family are behaving. I think it is clear to see just by looking at me that Im struggling. I have never been one to have a pristeen appearance but I look awful even by my standards. My hairs a mess, I have dark bags under my eyes etc. Instead of helping they are just looking the other way. I had a massive row with my sister last night and Im guessing she isnt speaking to me. Usually by this point in the day I would have have about half a douzen calls from her because she gets so bored.

I txt my mum and told her Im not going out for the family meal we have booked tomorrow. It might be childish and pathetic but Im not willing to sit around a table and be forced to pretend everything is ok when I feel like this. I said she can take the kids but I do not want to go. Im probably being unreasonable but im tired of doing things to please other people and forgetting about myself.

I slept for 12 hours last night but I still feel exhausted. Glad I managed to get such a good nights sleep though. I fell asleep cuddling dd, which meant she didnt get up in the night and disturb me either. Might do it again tonight.
I still feel exhausted. Im sorry to moan so much.

I have been chipping away at the mess in the house little by little and its making me feel a bit better. I think having a good nights sleep has given me the energy to do that. Hopefully by the evening the living room will be all tidy and I can sit in here without feeling guilty about the mess. Just trying to give myself little goals each day to reach and it does make me feel better when I get there.

Thankyou for being so supportive and nice. I will try and see the dr on monday. I might try and go for a swim too, see if the exercise helps. thanks

spingey I totally understand where you are coming from. It is horrendous. I know about withdrawing from people and not wanting to face them.

Try to be kind to yourself, do a bit of the house if you can. You don't want to crash the car really do you? You want someone to hear you crying out and help. Am I right? I am not being flippant. It is very hard.

The swimming sounds good. Anything to get away from the house and the mess I think.

oh and tell your sister to get knotted. Her DP can help her not you. How dare she yell at you. You are doing her a favour. don't do her housework.

Just spoke to my mum about the "family meal" and she basicly said that if I dont come Im ruining it, she will cancle is because its not a family meal if we arent all there. I was apparently being nasty and pathetic and upsetting her on the phone. She said she was sick of us (me and my sister) bickering and that she felt like ceasing contact with both of us....So I said do it then. I've just had enough.
She was totally unsympathetic about me feeling depressed, I said I felt like no one cares that Im struggling and her reply was that "no one gives two hoots that she is depressed either" Which I find hurtful, i think I have tried to help her where I can, I have been patient with her and given her ideas of things to help and tried to encourage her to seek out the right help.....her responce "well your not being very nice right now"
I saw a friend earlier who I spoke to about feeling low and all she did was moan about work and said "if you think you've got it bad you should try doing my job!" Difference is that only lasts 9-5 and she can go home to her husband have a hug and forget about it.
Im sick of being totally alone. I have no dp to support me, a family who have confirmed what I thought, they dont care and by the looks of it non of my friends give a shit either. Have sent the kids to play in their room so that I can have a cry. I dont want them to have to see that, I know it upsets them.

Just feel totally flat. I must be a really horrible person if everyone treats me like this. I honestly dont know what to do....this isnt just about me being depressed anymore, my whole life is a shitty joke....The people around me who are supposed to care about me obviously dont and Im quite clearly nothing but an irritant to them all. I wish I could run away with the kids and start a fresh but there is no chance of that. I couldnt do that to ds, he is doing so well at school when previously he has struggled so much. It would be cruel. Im trapped.

I'm sorry you are being put under pressure to attend the family meal, and can appreciate you are even less likely to want to go now after your mum spoke to you like that. If she is depressed herself you would expect her to at least have some sympathy for how you feel. It sounds like your sister is struggling too.
You are doing well to manage to get the house sorted, so give yourself credit for that. Your kids are clearly doing well too.
Once you get on top of your depression everything else will seem easier to cope with. Keep posting x