I'm so fed up of living like this, I don't know what to do

[DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore]

I am so sick of my life. I can't cope with the nightmares anymore. I just want a good nights sleep, just one but oh no, while everyone else is in the land of nod I am watching bid bloody tv to try and stay awake. I hate not being able to enjoy a day with dd incase I have a flashback or panic attack. I want to be normal mum, a normal person.

I have asked my gp about counselling but there is a 3 month waiting list. Gp has advised no alcohol, calming bedtime routine and whale music!

I hate hate hate this existence. I wish I could end it, of course I wouldn't/couldn't do that to dd.

I don't know why I'm posting this really. Just a rant I suppose.

Antidepressants?

Upwardandonward, I am on 20mg citalopram.

Have you told anyone how you feel at the moment? Have you asked about changing antidepressants if you've been on the citalopram for a while?/sked how long to see if it works?

My gp knows about the nightmares and flashbacks, just keeps telling me about the waiting list for counselling. I was originally on 10mg, have been on 20 for about 4 months now.

I just feel like I'm always hitting a brick wall

Thankyou for replying.

It sounds really hard, and must be difficult to cope with looking after a child during the day if you're not sleeping. Do you take any sleeping tablets, or anything like propranolol to help with panic attacks? I agree that sometimes a change of antidepressant can help. I hope that you have good support from family and friends.
I hope that you won't have to wait too long for counselling support, but in the meantime there is always someone to talk to on here. It sounds like painful experiences from the past may be the root cause of your feeling so bad x

Thankyou. My family and friends are supportive but I feel quite guilty putting onto them. I can't explain things properly and just end up sounding like an incoherent fool.

Dd is such a handful and loves nothing better than running round in the (whatever the weather!) But I just don't have the energy to keep up with her. I live on coffee and pro plus!

I do know what the root cause of all of this is and if I could get my hands on them now, well I wouldn't do anything as I don't have the energy to stand up. Quite ironic really.

I tried sleeping tablets once but they made everything a whole lot worse. I was so exhausted I couldn't stay awake but the nightmares were horrendous.

I am just so bloody fed up.

Hi, I am a long-term citalopram user and I would suggest asking your doctor to increase your dose. I am now on 20mg and consider myself better. For a long time I was on 60mg.

Would your doctor consider trying you on dosulepin? It's a sedating tricylic AD. One of the older types. I find it brilliant in helping me get to sleep.

I tried citalopram before this and it left me feeling wired all the time.

Thankyou all again, I will ask the gp about either changing or increasing. Anything is worth a try.

I just wish there was a quick fix, well I'm sure we all wish that. But 5 years of this has taken its toll.

Nightmares and flashbacks are usually symptoms of post traumatic stress type issues. Sertraline is the AD particularly suited for women wioth PTSD.

I would go back to your GP and tell them just how difficult things are, or see a different GP if you feel your GP isn't proactive enough. I agree with the above that a change of medication might help. Amitriptylline taken at night can be used to help with sleep in addition to another antidepressant.

I would also go back to GP and see if you can change medication, i am just coming off of dosulepin, i was taking it for anxiety and it did help me sleep without having odd dreams (which i am now having again as i come off of it).

Whatever the cause of the nightmares is the issue that needs to be dealt with. I too have suffered from extreme nightmares due to past issues and talking helped. If you DD is under 5 please talk to your health visitor i appreciate some HV are not great but yours maybe and hopefully she can help. When i was seriously depressed due to the waiting list for counselling being 3 years she came out twice a week and talked me through stuff. She also spoke to the Dr on my behalf to make sure they knew how serious things were.
I know everyone suggests medication but personally i feel you need to get on that counselling waiting list and hopefully the past can be laid to rest.

PTSD has been mentioned before by a different gp. I have read about it and it does seem to be correct. I will make an appointment with a different gp and see how it goes. Its just so difficult to talk about in person. I end up telling everyone I'm fine, legging it home and sitting in tears. Ridiculous really.

I am sitting here in tears now at the thought of another night watching shite tv and drinking coffee

I'm so sorry it's so hard for you. Could you write down what you need to say to your GP if you can't talk about it face to face? It takes courage to talk about traumatic experiences, but with the right support it is possible to heal. I hope you have a better night x

Thankyou GRW, I will try writing it down. It makes it worse that I have to take dd with me and I hate the thought of her hearing it, not that she would really understand, it just makes me uncomfortable.

I will try hassling them about the counselling too, can't do any harm.

Hello, ok it's time for bed. Could you do some thing that I find useful? Go to bed and think of 5 good things that have happened today. This can be as uncomplicated as seeing something beautiful, or your bus turning up on time or having a moments fun with you child. I find this very useful ( it's backed up with research so not just me). Sleep well. Talk tomorrow if you want.

Thankyou Yourefired, I will try that

Couldn't get a gp appointment until next week

I can't live like this anymore. I am so sick of being a crap mum. Dd deserves so much better than this.

Oh goodness, how awful for you. GRW is right - best to try to write it down. Then you can also write down any questions you have (like "it is time to try a different medication?") as it can be hard to remember everything you wanted in ask at the right moment, especially with DD there. It looks like talking therapy (counselling/psychotherapy) is the right way to go for you, so although it seems like a long wait I would get your name down now so you're in the system. Although sleeping tablets should be approached with caution, they can be really helpful for a short period in breaking the cycle (i.e. the less you sleep, the more you worry and the lower your mood, so the less you sleep etc.). Might it be worth talking to your GP about trying again with this?

Your GP was talking about 'sleep hygiene' - there's loads about it if you do a quick google. Also, lots of people take a pad a pencil to bed and if something springs into mind, they write it down so they can deal with it tomorrow rather than dwell on it at that moment. Also, relaxation tapes can help (well not TAPES any more(!) but you can download something from itunes for a couple of quid). Worst case scenario, you are still awake but you manage to slow down your heartrate, relax your muscles a bit, and hopefully quieten your mind which will be better than where you started. Personally, I reckon whale music would annoy me! Going to bed without trying to sleep (but instead just saying to yourself something like, I'll just try to relax and rest my body a mind for a while) can take the pressure off and ease you into sleep. Some people give themselves a time limit, and if they're still awake/fretting at that time, they get up again, have a drink of water, put the radio on for a few minutes, then go to bed again for a fresh try.

Are you getting out with DD during the days? Any kind of routine/activity should help with your mood and also give DD a run around. Even a walk to the shop, buy a couple of bananas for lunch etc. Gives you both a change of scene and physical activity will raise your mood a bit. I don't know how old DD is but are there local toddler groups? Even if it's not your idea of fun, she'll be able to play in a safe enclosed environment and you'll get to talk to some other adults and think about things other than your state of mind/past. Maybe a local Buggy Bootcamp?

Take care.

Good advice from fluppy. Couple of other things that have helped with my insomnia in the past are: lavender oil; and audio books/BBC iplayer. Lost track of the number of times I've nodded off half way through a story. Hope you manage to get some rest tonight. Being knackered and stressed does not make you a crap mum, it makes you a human being with limits that you're dealing with: please don't be so hard on yourself. Did the 5 positive things trick work for you at all?

There's another thread on here about citalopran and I think all of us are suffering from vivid dreams and some from awful nightmares.
It sounds as though the ad's aren't right for you as they do seem to cause this in people who don't have anything to have nightmares about (which you clearly do).

I can't do this anymore. I give up
Thankyou for all of your replies x