Symptoms of Depression?

[whendoesitgetbetter]

Hello, new registration as can not afford to be recognised and paranoia stopped my "just" namechanging. If you do recongise me, please please don't out me - or speak to me in RL about this as I may just break.

I feel like I am going crazy. My baby stopped breathing almost one year ago. They were ok after a hospital stay, and investigations since have declared them healthy.

I thought I was doing better - but the closer we get to the anniversary of that day, I am getting worse.

All of a sudden, I can't breath - it is like the air has been taken, and my throat is closing. My nights are filled with "what if" nightmares. There are other things like the headaches, no energy and such, but I think this is related to the poor sleep.

Its the not not being able to catch my breath, the humming in my ears and the wozzy vision (I am not sure how to explain this??) that goes with the tight throat.

I am in a position of authority, and can not "lose it" at work, or show anything that can be viewed as less than 100% - so I need to sort this before I can no longer cover it up, and it is becoming harder.

The day is next week - and its a work day. I am debating booking leave as the lead-up is getting worse, so how will I get through the day?

I know I am lucky - there is no visable lasting damage, so why can I not move on?

I was ok, and only got teary when thinking about that night - or when answering direct questions about it all. Now my eyes well upjust looking at my child - I am sure this is going to affect them if I can not get it under control.

Why can I not stop thinking about it? I have worked so hard to try and not let the scare take over me.

I don't know why I am posting? I guess I am looking for someone to say "oh, yeah - this is what I did and am fine now", although I doubt it is that easy.

Where do I start?

For a start it sounds like you are decribing a panic attack, so you should see a doctor. The fact that you are not getting enough air into your lungs is probably the reason why you are getting humming in the ears and effecting your vision. I know how i feel on the anniversary's of my miscarriages - utter shite and really emotional and tearful. Boxing day my first would have been 5. I still well up thinking about them especially when my little boy is playing, i wonder what if with them, but you are really lucky and you are just scared that something bad is going to happen. All parents fear this to some extent, you are just struggling with it as the anniversary is coming and t must have been a very difficult time. I am glad your LO was okay. x

Poor you:( It does sound like you're having a panic attack and it's quite normal that what happened has made you feel very shaken up. You should see a doctor and he/she may be able to refer you for some counsellling.

I think it would be a good idea to book some leave, just to give yourself some space to deal with what has happened. As you say you're worried about 'losing' it at work, but there is no need for anyone at work to know what has happened if you don't want them to.

Try and talk to a doctor about this before next week.

Take care x

I agree with Ellen. I think you are describing classic anxiety symptons (I am no medic but have suffered from dep/anxiety) Anxiety is the medical name for fear. This is the first anniversary and so it would be rather strange if you weren't getting anxious.....extreme anxiety will lead to panic attacks and I agree it sounds like that is what is happening to you. Ellen talks of seeing a GP but to be honest it may well be that after the anniversary you may feel rather better. If not, then yes maybe you need to see a GP - there are some very good meds for anxiety.

I think you absolutely must book leave for next week, or go off sick maybe for a few days so that you can self certify yourself. There's a lot of flu and chest infections around this time of year!

Don't be so hard on yourself - the brain is a very complex organ and sometimes it won't do as we want it too. You ask "why can't I stop thinking about it" - well it's because you are human with human emotions and again I think it would be very strange if you weren't thinking of such a traumatic experience with a precious child.

Be gentle with yourself - "allow" yourself to feel sad and let yourself cry - don't try to stop it - crying releases tension and tightness in the throat. May cause a headache but you can take a pain killer for that. Is your DH or DP understanding of how you are feeling. Is there a relative/friend in whom you can confide.

My best and closest friend died 15 years ago and I still well up with tears when I talk to anyone about her - it's because she meant so much to me, like your child does to you. Let yourself be human.

Sending you warm wishes x

Its just so hard. I know I am lucky that we did not lose him, and I feel guilty that I feel so sad and can't move forwards when others have been through worse - and then it becomes the vicious cycle of trying not to feel anything, and then the disappointment it still affects me.

Ellen, i am so sorry for your loss, how do you keep it together for you lo when you feel overcome?

I beleive i am defeated and that this will always be with me but do not want it to affect his life, me not letting go. If only I could get back to acting normal, I feel more normal and in control. I don't want the pity or people asking me if i am ok as that leads on to thinking about it more. Dp knows I am struggling, but it has been touchy since it happened as I was obsessed that something was wrong for the days leading up to it and Dp dismissed it until I screamed at him our son was blue.

I see his grey face and empty eyes and it actually haunts me. I look at him playing, and then I see his face on that night. It was getting to be weeks between it and now its back several times daily. I feel I have slipped backwards as even at work when I know he is safe, I remember out of the blue. I don't know what sets it off and then I cant breath.

I feel angry towards Dp but know it is slighty unfair. He doesn't know what to do for the best as some days we are ok, then the resentment is back that he should have believed me.

Its all a bit of a mess really, although I am sure once I can get back in control of my mind everything else will fit back into place

I dont always keep it together and it still hurts. Junior and littleun will always be my babies, i cant forget them and more importantly i dont want to. It hurts at annivesaries, it reminds me though of how lucky i am. Even now i cant believe how long its been and the tears that silently run down my cheeks, on new years eve at midnight we sent up chinese lanterns and my only wish was that they were in a better place and that i could make life good for my son. Sometimes i have a good old cry and it is good to talk about them, the first i always believe was a girl, the second a boy. If it helps it is so very unlikely it will happen again, if there was any chance of it happening again the hospital would have said and you would have done a first aid course, maybe doing one anyway would help you? It certainly wouldnt hurt to know paediatric first aid. Life is about moving on, my mum always says you have to look forward not back, or you wont ever get anywhere and i believe her, she is a strong woman and one person inmy life i look up to, she lost my dad and her dad within the month and she had the possibilty of the roof over her head being sold to pay for funeral expenses as it was my grandads, and a 6year old and 15month old(me). Life is hard, you are very lucky and sometimes you have to count your blessings. Maybe when you see that awful image in your mind you should think, but i am his mum,i knew and he is okay because of me. I saved him, and think what a wonderful miracle he really is. I am sorry. Long post, but sometimes you need to just write it all down, whether anyone reads or not it still helps. I really hope it gets better for you soon, please consider speaking to your gp, as you may need some counselling to get over your fear of losing your child as it seems that this may well be the real reason behind the panic attacks and why it is coming back. HUGS.x

When they were discharging us, I had we both had to do a basic first aid as I didn't want to bring him home, as it meant he would no longer be on a monitor which checked his breathing.

The problem is I can sit here now and tell the world how lucky I am, but just a few hours ago, I was struggling to leave the house.

I do not know how you can learn to live with something, I just thought it would "happen" and one day it becomes a bad mempry as opposed to something to ambush me when I least expect it.

I admire people who are able to learn to cope wih the bad events in their lives. It's beautiful that you are able to celebrate your children, it must be very hard. Your son is very lucky to have such a strong mummy.

I think I have to get a gps appointment, and go from there. thank you for taking the time to try and help x

Nina, thank you for your words x

Orange, hadn't considered it to be panic attacks - but logical thinking, it is more like one than anything else. Thank you, going to hid at home that day - and will get DP to be off also, so I am not alone as no idea how the day will be.

Whendoesitgetbetter I just wanted to say that you are a 'strong mummy' and you mustn't beat yourself up. You had a horrible shock and you did all you could. It's only normal that you will have flashbacks at this time. You need to process what has happened. You nearly lost your DS who you love very much and what happened is very recent which makes your feelings more raw.

Thirteen years ago I lost my DS to SIDS. The memories of what happened are still with me and always will be. I won't ever get over DS' death, and have struggled with feelings of guilt over the years. However the vivid painful images have faded a little over the years. Initially I found it difficult to look at babies sleeping and worried if they looked too pale. I don't have this difficulty so much now. What has helped me over the years is watching my three DDs grow. They will never replace my DS but my love for them keeps me going. As time goes by and your DS gets older and stronger, you may find that your painful memories fade a little too and you accumulate happier ones.

I definitely think you are doing the right thing in having some time off work. Every year I find the lead up to and the dates of DS's Birthday and Anniversary of his death painful and generally try wherever possible to avoid working on these dates.

One more thing, something that has helped me is talking to other people who have suffered a similar loss. There will be people out there who have had an experience like yours. Speaking to your doctor or hv may help with contacting befrienders and support groups.

I think you are traumatised by the event (how can you not be) and that you need some treatment for that. I would suggest that a few sessions of EMDR could really help you put the traumatic memories in their right place and this may stop you feeling so anxious. The way I see it, the memories of that day are still live, it still feels today rather than in the past and that is why you feel so scared.

I'm speaking from my own experience of my ds stopping breathing due to almost unstoppable seizures between 12-36 hours old. After earlier counselling it has eventually been a matter of a few sessions of EMDR that settled things.

Orangeflutie - I am so sorry for your loss. Did the GP help you with the support groups?

Do you mind if I ask if you went to any?

My hv at the time was brilliant and told me about befrienders connected with the charity FSID. I did see a befriender once or twice who helped a little. FSID also contacted me about family outings and these were good in that you met people who had lost a child, which made me feel less odd.

Madmouse - how is your littleone now?

I feel like I should be able to move past this, as its "not like anything bad happened" (so I have been told) but I accept I need something.

Did book an appointment, but have told DP I need to go on my own as there is still issues of my resentment and I need to get everything into the light so gp has all the information without me worrying what DP is thinking of how I feel - if that makes sense.

I left it to late to get an appt before the day but even so, think I can't keep pretending so will keep the appointment.

Its actually tomorrow the anniversary. 19.20hrs

I didn't say this earlier as was on one of the preg borads, and sporadically post on the antenatal thread from the same group - and birth story + problems after (I think) were/are on there. As I was quite open during TTC and after Im very easy to recognise in real life.

I feel as though I should be honest about this as you are all being open with me.