Anxiety and HV

[msbuggywinkle]

Ok, this will be a long one!

Background...I'm 28, I have been with DP for 12 years and we have three DDs together (5, 2 and 1 month). As a child I was physically and emotionally abused by my ex-Step father from the age of 2 to 18 when I moved in with DP and my Mum left him. Without being specific, the physical abuse was severe and resulted in social service being involved when I was about 9. He then stopped the physical abuse but the emotional abuse became much worse and I would rather he had kept up the physical side.

For me, the fallout has not actually been too bad. I stood up to him and scared him (he was a coward) aged 17 which put most of it to rest and my DP has always been an amazing support. So, now the issues I am left with 10 years on are a tendency to cry if anyone raises their voice to me and anxiety related to authority figures.

So, my childhood (& DP's, he wasn't actively abused but his parents are very very cold) has led us down a very 'alternative' (silly word but ykwim!) parenting path. We are hippy parents who AP and home ed, I have bf them all for years etc etc

The actual issue (if anyone is still with me!) is my health visitor. She turned up uninvited over the summer doing a 'safeguarding check' because 'no one has seen the children'. She was referring to the fact that I hadn't been to a HV since DD2 was a baby, we had seen the GP/hospital as needed. I found this visit and the insinuations very stressful and was a bit of a mess for a few weeks afterwards.

So, she is now my HV for DD3 and if it didn't sound silly I would have titled this post 'I think my HV is causing postnatal depression' I find her visits cause me so much anxiety, I am permanently scared and weepy. She asks lots of questions about Home ed, about how often I take the DDs out (not much at the moment, but I am making sure their friends come round here lots!) and the result is that I am terrified of her next visit.

Normally, I find visits from official people (I'm fine with me going to see them, it is having them in my space that I find difficult) stressful, I get butterflies and tend to be a more shouty Mum before hand as I try to keep the house tidy, but it has never been as bad as this.

Any thoughts? Ideas on how to cope?

Start by telling her that you will contact her as and when you need her but that you do not require her to visit. She has no entitlement to visit you or to see your children and if she says so she is out of order. Don't be afraid to say no. If you want to appease her take the baby to weigh in clinic every 2 months or so, but really you don't need to do this. The HV's role is to support and advise.

I've refused to see HV since ds was about a year as they are clueless about his disabilities so the 'support' they are meant to provide is useless, plus he sees special teachers, paediatrician, physio, SALT, ortho surgeon. And yet time and time again someone sees fit to mention that I should be in touch with HV.

On the flipside - the way we organise our society, children are at regular intervals seen by a professional of some kind, doctor, teacher etc. Your children 'miss out ' (between quot marks as I don't think they miss out IYSWIM) on some of these visits so they are rarely seen. Not being seen can be a sign that a child is abused at home or neglected, hence the visit, so I can understand where your hv is coming from. I think it is a common problem among home-eds. You could put a call out on the relevant part of MN (education?) for advice.

If there is a clear record at your GP surgery that you have brought your children whenever something was wrong with them you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

I am sure from reading on here that you can ask the HV not to call again and to be taken off her books as it were.

This will act as a bump for you if nothing else.

I have cross posted with somebody way more knowledgeable.

There is a home ed section under education

Bleugh..think I may have muddied the issue. I have dealt with the home ed stuff separately, direct to the home ed officer who is perfectly happy with our provision.

The main issue is the anxiety re HV visits.

Forgot to say, I feel too scared to ask for a change of HV and refusing HV visits is a red flag.

red flag for what?

Sounds like all you need to do is put HV in contact with home-ed officer

You haven't muddled the issues, but sometimes it's appropriate to treat the anxiety and sometimes it's better to treat the cause, in this case the HV.

It sounds as though it's the HV confusing things- as you say, the Home Ed stuff is dealt with so she has no need to question you about your older children.

Rather than refusing to see her can you just not be in when she is supposed to visit? Then maybe go to the clinic once or twice to get the baby weighed, so that you look perfectly willing to cooperate? Or arrange for someone else to be present when she comes and have an appointment to get to so she can't stay for long? FWIW I also think you shouldn't need to see her at all and I'm quite surprised she's still doing home visits when your DD is a month old.

I think she is doing home visits still because she knows that I won't go to a clinic very often (I had planned to take DD3 to be weighed every school holiday because then my Mum is around to look after the older ones). She has booked a visit next Monday (2 weeks after her last) then is planning another one a month later...

Yes, thank you madmouse I'll do that if she starts about Home Ed again.

pozzled I might just try to get through the next visit, then ring and cancel the one after and do the clinic instead I think.

Equilibrium restored I think, I had it all blown out of proportion in my head.

Dear god that's awful! I don't think you should be out when she has made an appt with you as I think that would also be a "red flag".

How to get her to leave you alone? You could call her and say that if she is interested in finding out about how you homesechool, she can contact that other person, that she is free to contact GP and see they are up to date with their jabs etc, but that at the moment you do not need her support so won't be arranging any more appts.

Can you not complain about the fact that the HV does not make you feel at ease and you therefore feel uncomfortable about having her in your home and demand another HV. Therefore, nobody can say you are refusing HV to visit, but you will hopefully get someone else a bit nicer.

I thought that a HVs responsibility ended when the child turned 5yo/started school - so how/why you home ed doesn't seem to be her business at all.

My thoughts (having experienced this 7 years ago):

1. request a change of health visitor. Ask the health visitor herself, although in my case she refused, so
2. i found out who her manager was, and put in writing (both as an e-mail with a read receipt and recorded delivery) my request for another health visitor. I also wrote to PALS.
3. As i expected, they ignored my request and after 2 months, i wrote directly to the PCT chief executive, enclosing proof etc (and voicing my concerns). I also cc the letter to the Healthcare commission (no longer exists now). Again I sent all correspondence recorded delivery.
4. within 1 month of writing to chief exec, I was moved to the best GP practice in town and allocated the best health visitor, who, 6 years on, is still my health visitor.

I heard a rumour that my previous health visitor got struck off. I don't know if that's true, but I do know that she is no longer a health visitor. I checked the register with the Nursing & Midwifery Council (NMC)

You do not have to have a health visitor in your home if you do not want to. You have the right to see her notes so that you know what her concerns are. Is she concerned about your (mental or physical) health or is she concerned about the children.

If you are suffering with anxiety then www.livinglifetothefull.com is very good. There are various self help books on the market that can help with anxiety.

A good health visitor can be really useful but a bad health visitor is best shown the door. I am a hippy AP parent and my health visitor isn't in the slightest bit bothered.