Hello ................ anyone fancy giving me a bit of advice ?

[frumpet]

Bit of background , have a two year old , birth very traumatic , both nearly died ,crash section yada yada . Recovered physically quite quickly for an old gimmer . Mentally though i have been in just about coping frame of mind . DH didnt want the baby , so has basically done bugger all with him since day one , although he is gradually starting to do bits ,usually when i have reached the end of my very very short tether and had a meltdown.
Last week at work i made a mistake , a very serious ,potentially life threatening sort of mistake . Was asked about it and basically broke down infront of my boss , who is relatively new and who i dont know that well . She has suggested i go to see my GP . I am not sure if i am depressed ,stressed or just very fed up .
So here are a few of my 'symptoms' , paranoia , self neglect ( you could plait my underarm hair ) , short term memory problems , lack of confidence , mood swings . I have stopped driving to my secret layby for a good cry , mainly because i think it upset the farmer who kept driving past in his tractor.But anything can set me off in tears . Sometimes i feel so stressed it feels like its hard to breathe properly . I am a hideously bad tempered mummy , i snap at them all the time . At work i can just about keep it togther , people think im all happy and jokey , but its basically a front .
So whats the verdict ?

I think alot of it is just good old fashioned stress . I have tried to talk to DH , but because i am managing still to do everything ,albeit badly , he thinks im ok . Plus i think he is punishing me a bit for having our ds , not in an overt way , more of a subconcious way. To be fair he is useless with the other two aswell.
I used to get flashbacks from the birth , but they stopped after about three months or so .

Will make an appointment for the GP . I wasnt seriously expecting internet randoms to give me a comprehensive diagnosis

Bloody useless farmer.
You sound like you're going through an incredibly difficult time. Yes think GP in the first instance is a very good idea. Do you?
Big hugs

sorry x post.

DH wouldnt go for counselling , if i suggested it he would think i was leaving him , tempting though that is right now !

Coping is what i am all about , but just coping for two years isnt any sort of life is it .

No just coping isn't enough of a life really in the long term. But coping with what you have been coping with for two years sounds like a bloody achievement. Think what Beers says about getting the immediate physical and mental symptoms tended to in the first instance is good idea then you can tackle work/ DH and the rest of it. I reckon sometimes we can feel like we miss a few seasons when we're "just coping" but hopefully the blossom and autumn leaves soon come round again for us to fully enjoy.

Thankyou fiona and beer , i really do appreciate your comments and advice . Normally i would vent to my friend but her life is tough too at the moment so i dont want to burden her with my emotional baggage . Will try and get a Drs appointment tomorrow , and im going to see if work will let me take some holiday , a couple of days child free might just aid my recovery !

That sounds like good advice. As extreme as you might feel your emotions are, it strikes me that you are experiencing a pretty normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. First of all, you have had an acute stress reaction to a traumatic event. That feels horrific (I had exactly the same after a similar birth experience) and makes normal living almost impossible. Then you have had to deal with all the stresses and challenges of keeping your young family looked-after, with little or no support, and holding down a job.

The symptoms you describe could well be depression and anxiety, but the others here are right: you need to discuss this in detail with your GP and/or a psychologist. Might it be possible for you to have some time away from work on paid sick leave? It sounds like your GP and your employer would agree that you need some time to recover. I don't know what your work situation is, and whether it would cause you problems later on applying for other jobs and disclosing that you took sick leave for this, but it seems a good short-term strategy to me. Don't feel embarrassed to put your needs high on the list right now - your family depends on you, so looking after yourself is an important part of caring for them.

TBH fluppy im not very career minded ,so am not particulary bothered if it had an effect , as long as i get better