Surely I shouldn't be numb today?

[orangeflutie]

Thirteen years ago today my DS died of SIDS. In previous years I have found this day and the lead up to it very hard. Today I feel nothing. Can't cry. We have just visited his grave as a family and took flowers but still nothing. I'm on ADs and increased the dose by a small amount just before Christmas. Generally being numb suits me as then I don't cry at inappropriate times. Is this healthy though especially today? I have a heavy cold atm and don't feel good physically. Is this a coincidence or grief manifesting itself in another way?

Don't know why I'm posting really, just perhaps would like to cry today.

Oh orangeflutie I didn't realise it was today - sending you big hugs xxx

I find that grief manifests itself in different ways at different times. Do not worry that this means you are forgetting ds or he is slipping way or anything like that, it doesn't. You don't need to cry to prove you love him.

The increase in meds may have caused this, or the feeling low physically, or just where you are this year. What is not healthy is pushing tears away and stopping yourself from feeling. If they tears are not there it is ok not to cry.

Take care of yourself xx

I think that's it madmouse I'm worried that I don't care or I'm forgetting ds. It doesn't seem right not to feel.

Thank you so much for your kind words x

I am so sorry for your loss, and I am sure your son is always with you in spirit and will always be a part of you. I've had other bereaved parents say to me that they feel their grief is numbed when on medication, but sometimes the numbness helps them cope with feelings that would otherwise be overwhelming.
You may find that your grief comes out on a different day like the anniversary of the funeral. If you feel that a good cry would help you to feel better listening to some music associated with the funeral might help x

Thanks GRW, you are right about often being overwhelmed with feelings and this was certainly me before I started taking ADs. I think I would like a balance between feeling totally numb and being a tearful wreck.

Regarding the funeral, I can't remember much about it and I think it's probably because at the time it happened I was in a state of shock and disbelief. Everything felt unreal. I think that I have blotted out certain things as they are too painful.

I am so sorry orange. I am on Citalopram and I haven't been 'able' to cry since starting on it in July. So it's possibly that.