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Back in hell - I didn't know there was so much pain left

19 replies

madmouse · 05/01/2012 12:27

Just really struggling right now. Went back to counselling to help with anxiety over ds. It has helped but it has also opened another can of worms relating to childhood sexual abuse. Very experienced psychologist said previous counsellor did not go deep enough with me. She is trying to get me to face up to the pain I suffered as a child, get angry in the process and finally recover some sense that I'm allowed to exist. It's been exacerbated by finding out how my mum's behaviour towards me made me very vulnerable to the abuse that followed, which was severe and lasted several years.

But what has come up over the past few weeks is so painful that I'm teetering on the edge. Tuesday's session was hell. Yesterday I felt my only options were shutting up for life or stepping out of life. A good talk with a close friend has taken some pressure off and I have started to try and do what psych wants me to do - to write a letter to my abuser. It's too easy for me to do that as a lawyer, so she has specifically instructed me to write about how he made me feel at that time. But I'm terrified of going anywhere near that little girl and the feelings that came up while trying to write are totally overwhelming.

I've been reluctant to write this as I have been making so much progress and want to give hope to others who have been abused but I can't do this on my own just now.

OP posts:
mosp · 05/01/2012 12:44

:( for you. Will pray.

wifey6 · 05/01/2012 12:49

This sounds an emotionally painful journey for you madmouse....
I will not try & understand what you are/have gone through...but I would like to say how inspiring your courage is to continue to heal. I wish you all the best on this journey.

GRW · 05/01/2012 13:03

You give so much wisdom and support to others on here, so it's only right that you can ask for support for yourself when you need it. You do give hope to others who have been abused that it's possible to heal.
You have a lot of courage, and I am sure you will find a way to address the very painful feelings, with guidance from your psychologist. Thinking of you.

cityhobgoblin · 05/01/2012 14:01

Thoughts and prayers to you , madmouse . Am wondering whether your instinct is genuinely telling you not to attempt this letter yet - the deep instinct , the inner teacher ? You may need to let your subconscious / the Divine help you here . If you don't feel it is the right time yet , the psychologist should understand that this is differente from natural fear arising from doing such difficult work .

Thinking of you , and so agree with previous posters about your inspirational genersity

thunderboltsandlightning · 05/01/2012 14:05

Is your psychologist helping you to find coping tools to deal with the emotions that are coming up? That's probably as important as dealing with what actually happened to you.

Why don't you write a letter to the little girl within you instead telling her that you love and care about her, and that she is safe with you, and that you want to help her. Give her and you a safe space to be in.

wifey6 · 05/01/2012 14:08

thunder....I think that letter is such a lovely idea

strawberry17 · 05/01/2012 14:45

No words of wisdom Madmouse just sympathy and I am so sorry you are suffering so badly Sad I hope the letter helps in the long run and you come out the other side.

Upwardandonward · 05/01/2012 14:56

Hugs madmouse. This will end.

NanaNina · 05/01/2012 15:46

Madmouse so so sorry to hear you are struggling again, and can only endorse the MNetter who paid tribute to the fact that you always have wise advice/support for others who are on the MH thread.

I don't really know what to say - someone suggested that writing that letter might just be too painful for you right now, and I was thinking something similar. I don't think you should have to do anything that is an ordeal. I know someone has suggested writing to your inner child, but not sure how you would feel about that. I get comfort from spilling out my thoughts and emotions on to paper (or laptop) but our problems are very different and I don't know whether you are the sort of person who finds some sort of release of tension in writing stuff down.

As for "stepping out of life" how many times have you said to posters that this is not the way to go.....I'm sure you know that even though you are so distraught just now it is going to come in and out of your head. Glad to hear that your friend has turned up trumps again, as he seems to be your main source of support. How is your DH's depression at the moment - assume if he is struggling too, you have nothing to give each other.

BUT there is mouseling and I know you get anxious about his health but I also know you love him to distraction.

Maybe this psychologist is going a little too quickly for comfort, and digging down further into your buried trauma, is, just as you say overwhelming.

You have had some very good spells and I think you will know at some level that you will even out again and life will be brighter again. Wish there was more I could say, but take good care and let us know how you are progressing......NNxx

Nilgiri · 05/01/2012 16:04

Hugs and lots of love, madmouse.

Agree with what others have said, that maybe things are going a little fast, and slowing down for a little patch might help.

It's fabulous you've been making such rapid progress on the slightly smoother parts of the road, but this is now a rickety bridge stretch. It needs taking carefully and at your own pace, but in the end will be crossed and behind you.

Wishing you in buckets the strength and courage you've handed out to other MNers.

Nilgiri · 05/01/2012 16:05

(Have recently namechanged, btw: you do know me.)

dottyspotty2 · 05/01/2012 16:42

Madmouse i'm thinking of you just now, you know where I am if you want to offload. xx

GetDownYouWillFall · 05/01/2012 16:54

So sorry you are going through a rough patch again Sad The damage done when a child is abused runs so deep Sad I'm sure it feels like a never ending journey. I don't really know what I can say that would help, but I know that you have made so much progress. Don't think you are back where you started because you're not.

madmouse · 05/01/2012 19:56

I went out this afternoon and came back to all these lovely responses, feel very humbled. Thanks for all the hugs and loving thoughts.

Nana dh is doing very well depression wise, I would say it's gone and I've never, even in between previous bouts of depression, seen him so well and so strong. There are a number of reasons why dh has not been able to support me as much as we would both have liked and actually him seeing this post sparked a conversation about that tonight that may be a catalyst for change. It's not al his fault by the way.

Mousling is my sunshine and learning where my anxiety comes from and how I can tackle it has made being with him much more fun again.

In respect of the stepping out of life, for me that is more an indicator of how bad I'm feeling than a plan to kill myself. I've not been actively suicidal for a long time and I will not let it get that far again.

Hob to be honest I have been putting this part of the work off for too long and I really want to tackle it now. It's the intensity of it that has shocked me.

wifey and thunder that letter would be even harder to write. Well plain impossible right now. Writing this particular letter makes sense. It's just so hard Sad

Thanks everyone - it helps xx

OP posts:
shodatin · 06/01/2012 00:54

Just wanting to join with upward, hob and Nilgiri in wishing you well and hoping you feel better soon.

MrsLadywoman · 06/01/2012 01:08

I sympathise absolutely. You've got a hard row to hoe. But just try and keep a perspective about the terrible things that happened to you. Life has moved on and you are no longer in that awful place. You've got a career, you have a relationship, you have a son. This is now. Once you stare that crap in the face and see it as something that happened, and wasn't your fault, and is no longer happening, you will be able to move on and leave it behind. Life throws the most awful shit at us, but it's possible to find a way out.

madmouse · 07/01/2012 20:33

Just thought I'd write an update. I'm no longer feeling quite so awful. I have with a lot of pain and flashbacks written the (long) letter and although I intially felt worse, as the next day progressed things started to flicker:
First anger with those people who keep telling me that I should get angry, then fleeting moments of wanting to bash something with my fist, this morning a strong image of a slug with the head of my abuser and me lifting up a rock, shoving the thing under it and dropping the rock again?!?

I've also decided that although I cannot change the pain I can decide to fight back rather than feel sorry for myself that it's happening to me. I'm no longer going to let him rule my life. And I'm not going to kill myself.

Thanks for all the support xx

MrsLadyWoman I have read and then thought about your post and eventually decided to file it under 'You don't have a clue and you've got very easy talking'. If I didn't have that perspective I would have been dead for about 2 years now.

OP posts:
UnlikelyAmazonian · 08/01/2012 02:59

Hey you!! I used to have to hose my dad down with his big knob sticking out and every time I went out had to lift my dress to show him my legs and knickers,

he's 86 now.

tozzer

NanaNina · 08/01/2012 15:18

Oh wow madmouse thank god you've come up for air again....long may it last.

Think you might have been a bit hard on Mrs Ladywoman - I thought her post somewhat trite, but think she "meant well" but I can see why you were annoyed.

Oh lord UA that has really upset me - just thinking about it. What a beast of a bloke.

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