Just really struggling right now. Went back to counselling to help with anxiety over ds. It has helped but it has also opened another can of worms relating to childhood sexual abuse. Very experienced psychologist said previous counsellor did not go deep enough with me. She is trying to get me to face up to the pain I suffered as a child, get angry in the process and finally recover some sense that I'm allowed to exist. It's been exacerbated by finding out how my mum's behaviour towards me made me very vulnerable to the abuse that followed, which was severe and lasted several years.
But what has come up over the past few weeks is so painful that I'm teetering on the edge. Tuesday's session was hell. Yesterday I felt my only options were shutting up for life or stepping out of life. A good talk with a close friend has taken some pressure off and I have started to try and do what psych wants me to do - to write a letter to my abuser. It's too easy for me to do that as a lawyer, so she has specifically instructed me to write about how he made me feel at that time. But I'm terrified of going anywhere near that little girl and the feelings that came up while trying to write are totally overwhelming.
I've been reluctant to write this as I have been making so much progress and want to give hope to others who have been abused but I can't do this on my own just now.