I would like to give the following Depression Symptoms card to people.

[fuzzpig]

To say that you don't necessarily look sad all the time, or even any of the time, even when inside you are screaming.

To say that one minute you might be laughing with everyone else and the next be sneaking off into a corner to shed a tear or two; this may happen up to and including a gazillion times a day.

To say that you might find yourself switching between feeling invisible and needing attention, and feeling like a rabbit in headlights because people are actually looking at you and you think they probably hate you because, well, why wouldn't they?

To say that you do want to make and keep more friends, but contacting anyone and putting yourself out there feels like standing on the edge of a cliff.

To say that it isn't actually as simple as getting out more/pulling yourself together/a cup of tea/a good cry/cheering up, etc.

To say that you aren't standoffish or rude, you just can't open up to them because they might hurt you.

To say that laziness is not the same as being so totally overwhelmed by your own horrible brain that you are glued to wherever you stand or sit and can do nothing but stare into space.

To say that even though you don't open up to people (see above) you still might desperately want somebody to understand you and maybe even give you a hug.

To say that you might find something terrifying, like leaving your own front door, even if you've done it a million times before, and you might not even be able to figure out why it's so scary.

To say that you might take things really personally even when everyone else can brush it off.

To say that you might answer "I'm ok" when somebody asks how you are, even somebody close to you, even when you really aren't. It's not lying, you just say it automatically because you are caught off guard.

To say that you might not let your feelings out until far too late in the day (literally or metaphorically), you aren't doing it to be annoying, you just couldn't manage it earlier.

To say that you might appear really happy and proud of yourself and confident sometimes, but probably inside you still can't stand yourself.

Also

To say that it's not that you're ignoring somebody, you might just not have heard them or you might have forgotten because your head is too full of everything else on your plate.

To say that you aren't looking crap on purpose, you just find it really hard to look after your appearance when you hate yourself.

And finally

To say that you aren't staying up late just for the hell of it, you might be immensely tired, but still to nervous to go to bed because that's when all the bad thoughts (that you've somehow kept at bay all day) finally get in and in the dark there's no distraction from them.

Didn't want to read and run your post is so sad. Please make an appt at your g.p. to get medication. I have felt like you in the past and after a month of Citalopram I was a different person. I had forgotten how good it felt to feel alive and enjoy things such as a sunny day, good food, laughing.

There is no reason for you to suffer - please go to the dr.
Also, you could try CBT website. It's excellent and really puts things into focus.
Keep posting to let us know how you're getting on. It will get better.

Thank you. Have had extensive CBT in my teens (25 now) which really helped - before that I was a self harming agrophobic wreck.

I'm not sure if it's the response you're looking for but posts like this really help me to understand my SIL. I have no experience of depression and we're not particularly close but reading about depression on mumsnet has opened my eyes and I am now a lot more patient/understanding with her (in my head - I was always nice to her in person but would sometimes get frustrated with her in my head I'm very ashamed to say).

I hope things get better for you.

Thank you - and I'm glad it does help you understand :) depression has so much stigma still and is really hard to talk about IRL... MN has been a lifesaver for many I think.

Ironically I'm now off to put on a smiley happy work face [sigh]

fuzzpig I have to say I understand everyone of your symptoms as I suffered from depression myself recently. I felt particularly moved by your description of being glued to the spot staring into space and the inability to answer people due to the mind-racing thoughts I remember it all too clearly! - horrid, horrid stuff depression. I am fully better now and you will be too keep asking for help. Sending you positive vibes.

The weird thing is at work I am really efficient, even when I have the opportunity to sneak a break or slow down I don't take it, I ask for more work! Being busy helps, and I am lucky to have a job I adore, it's only when I'm at home I feel that paralysis really.

Oh bugger well I appear to have jinxed myself in that one - for the first time I felt totally incapable of doing my job today :( mind in a fog, silly mistakes all over the place. Thankfully a kind colleague noticed and helped me though.