please help

[helena1988]

Some one suggested I post my dilema here. So here goes

I have 2 girls. One is 5, one is nearly 17 months. I started having problems with my eldest about a year and a half ago. I lost all positive emotion towards her. I brought in the health visitor, social services, psychologists, everything to try and fix it.

In the end I gave her to her father in august. I am now on anti depressants. Have been for nearly a year. When she is away, I miss her and think about things that we can do when she is here. But then when she is here, I can't wait for the time when she goes home. I just don't feel the same way about her that I do about my youngest.

Her father isn't the best one to bring her up. He doesn't understand a lot and his parents are doing most of the work instead. My family don't want her to stay with him. And I'm worried about how she will turn out later in life. But at the moment they are giving her everything I cant. Warmth, love, time. I just don't want to be around her when she is here. she annoys me and I can't stand being around her. My other half will support me whatever I choose.

I'm just so confused at the moment. I don't understand why I feel so different towards each child. And don't know what to do. So I guess I'm looking for some advice from people that have maybe been in my position?

Someone reckoned I am mirroring what my mother did to me. I have seen a psychologist and they didn't help.

The more time you spend with her the more you'll grow to like her again

Do you spend any one to one time with her? Does your dp?

It sounds such a sad situation

I don't spend a lot of one on one time with her because for some reason I cant. I want to, I think about it, I just can't bring myself to do it. Everything about her irritates me. Everything she does irritates me. I feel bad because I feel like this. But I can't keep hiding it or things will never get better

What happened a year and a half ago OP?

There was a post in the fairly recent past from a mother with the same kind of problem, but unfortunately I can't remember the MNs nickname, nor much about the thread - no help I know - just wondered if it would jog someone's memory. Yes I was wondering too what happened a year and a half ago, and how were things before she was 3.5.

Does she still come to you for contact or is to so bad that it is best that she doesn't see you. I hope she does see you, so she knows you haven't disappeared from her life altogether. Sounds like you might have had a troubled childhood that could be a contributory factor - I'm not sure really, but I do know that anxiety, neglect, or abuse etc in childhood will affect someone throughout their life span, and will most certainly affect the way they are able to parent.

Sorry can't be more help, but yes it is a sad situation, and well done for posting - that can't have been an easy thing to do.

Before then things were different. I was fine with her. Played with her, hugged her, everything. I really don't know what happened. It's like I woke up one morning and my feelings just changed.

She does still come for contact. We are both going thro court for custody atm. Which is why I want to get this sorted.

My childhood was much the same, but worse. I at least try and pay her attention etc, my mom didn't bother till I was 14. I don't want it to take that long with mine

It's interesting that you say you had problems with your eldest DD about a year and a half ago. Your youngest DD is 17 months. Was it around the time your youngest was born? It does seem like the two events are connected. When did you start the ADs? Sorry for all the questions. It must be hard for you.

Hope you can find a way through.

What age were you when your mum did things to you?

Sometimes strong feelings can make it too scary to get close to your child. I had for all sorts of reasons a very difficult childhood (attachment issues, abuse) and ds was very ill at birth and we nearly lost him, he spent 3 weeks in hospital. When I worry about his health and needlessly panic about losing him I cannot emotionally be close to him. I care for him, I cuddle him to make sure I meet his needs but inside I keep my distance and I find the nursery days easier than the home days. I wonder if any of this strikes a chord with you?

i had some attachment issues with one of mine for a while(and temporary with all when depresion flairs up).sitting with them when they are asleep is a nice way to connect with them as they arnt demanding of you adn you can just appreciate the little wonder that they are without any drains on you.if thats possible give it a try.i still do it regularly with all mine as its become quite comforting to me

It sounds like you need to go back to the counsellors/health professionals and demand more help.

Otherwise, your daughter will suffer from being shunted from one unwilling parent to another, no matter how much the grandparents are trying to fill in the gaps.

I used to be able to sit with her when she was asleep all the time. It was the only time I seemed to be able to be near her. I always think of things I can do with her but am never able to.
I finally acknowledged the problems about 6 weeks before youngest was born. But I know they were going on before that. Things with my mum started when I was born and carried on till I was 14.
I can't seem to be close to her emotionally or physically. I find it easier to cope and be physical when I'm around others though. Like my dad.
I started the anti depressants nearly a year ago now.
I did a play and learn scheme and found it really easy to play with her when around professionals. But on my own I can't seem to do it. I think about it in my mind, what I'm going to do, but then I can't and I don't know why.

I don't want to belittle what may have happened to you in the past but whatever has gone on, are you wholly committed to turning things around with your daughter? If so, you need to seek professional help - you're not going to achieve this on your own.